Revelations
It’s been one hell of a week but I can say that today really was the coup de grace. I was walking in the mall during lunch hour when I had an epiphany. I just realized that I was alone in my pain. I was hurting….alone. And I couldn’t run to anybody. I couldn’t find people whom I could confide in and say that I would give anything to get a pat on the back or even a hug. I miss college. You could get hugs for free back then. Now, you need to find someone you’ve never hung out with for the past 6 months. Disheartening, isn’t it?
Anyway, I realized during my lunch out with Solitude, that the world never stops for you. It doesn’t care at all. I remember I was at this point in my life when I was a senior in high school and I can clearly remember moving forward in the school year from one grading period to the next. And today, I was in the same position…hurting for the same reason. And as I looked around the tables and chairs that surrounded me, no one cared if I was hurting.
No one broke any plates or even gasped; no one furrowed his brow to show any concern.
And the feeling drowned me in its somber grip until the writing of this passage. The rains poured down as if there were no tomorrow and I was hopelessly lost in another state of despair. Sometimes, you just can’t get away from these days and no matter how stoic you would like to remain, people still catch on to you and your secrets.
Regina and I were having a YM conversation and she said: “ur good u just wont admit it!”
One of the feel-good highlights of my dejected Friday. I really dig her optimism. Infectious, is what I would like to call it.
I’ve proven again that you find friends in the strangest of places and pillars of strength in the most humble of persons.
Friday, July 23, 2004
Thursday, July 22, 2004
To End The Day
To End The Day
It's such a wonderful feeling when you do something right. It's a quiet contentment that swirls around you when you absolutely know that you've done something right. It feels like a sense of relief has washed all over you.
I brought my bestfriend pizza tonight because I knew she had a terrible day. She absolutely loved it and I couldn't help but smile when I was reading her text. "Champion!", she exclaimed.
It's so nice to put your happiness in the simplest of things.
Some people prefer to put theirs in pizza.
I'm just content to put mine in another person's smile.
It's such a wonderful feeling when you do something right. It's a quiet contentment that swirls around you when you absolutely know that you've done something right. It feels like a sense of relief has washed all over you.
I brought my bestfriend pizza tonight because I knew she had a terrible day. She absolutely loved it and I couldn't help but smile when I was reading her text. "Champion!", she exclaimed.
It's so nice to put your happiness in the simplest of things.
Some people prefer to put theirs in pizza.
I'm just content to put mine in another person's smile.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
On Letting Go
On Letting Go
One of the more real things in this world is the fact that sooner or later, we will have to let go of something. For our first encounter with the concept of finality it shouldn't be even the loss of a bestfriend, a relationship or (Heaven forbid) a loved one in the family.
My first tears were shed for a pair of electric blue Mighty Kid® shoes.
I can clearly remember that time. I was about 5 years old and I remember asking my yaya where my favorite pair of shoes were while she was trying to put on the new pair my parents bought for me. It just suddenly dawned on me that I didn't want a new pair. I wanted my electric blues. And when she told me she couldn't find it, I cried my heart out. That was probably my first memory of crying over something material.
By the way, I found my Mighty Kids® that same day. When my mom led me to the dusty old cabinet we had in the library, I saw my shoes and I couldn't help but notice that they weren't as shiny as before. Its colors seemed to pale in comparison to the new pair that I had. I tried them on and they fit like a glove. Everything was perfect but sooner I had to let go.
In our lives we have people we seem to can't let go of. More often that not, these are borne out of our own choice to keep the routine going; to pretend that everything else is fine because we had wonderful memories together. Sometimes, it is because we love the person so much that we cannot bear to picture life without that person. But eventually, when you step away from all the chaos; when you're already seated at the balcony, you view a different perspective that wasn't at all possible before.
That's when you know that you probably had enough. Or maybe the time given to the two of you is already up.
For some people like me, I see a worn-out pair of shoes that won't be able to support my feet because underneath its dulling color, the sole is already breaking. And to walk with them would certainly bring more calluses to my already blistered heels.
Letting go is such a hard thing to do. But for some people, it becomes more of a necessity than an alternative. Sometimes, we just have to let the wounds heal and go on our separate ways and hope against hope that one day, we find ourselves face to face with our past. This time, with clearer minds; this time with the maturity that time ultimately brings.
One of the more real things in this world is the fact that sooner or later, we will have to let go of something. For our first encounter with the concept of finality it shouldn't be even the loss of a bestfriend, a relationship or (Heaven forbid) a loved one in the family.
My first tears were shed for a pair of electric blue Mighty Kid® shoes.
I can clearly remember that time. I was about 5 years old and I remember asking my yaya where my favorite pair of shoes were while she was trying to put on the new pair my parents bought for me. It just suddenly dawned on me that I didn't want a new pair. I wanted my electric blues. And when she told me she couldn't find it, I cried my heart out. That was probably my first memory of crying over something material.
By the way, I found my Mighty Kids® that same day. When my mom led me to the dusty old cabinet we had in the library, I saw my shoes and I couldn't help but notice that they weren't as shiny as before. Its colors seemed to pale in comparison to the new pair that I had. I tried them on and they fit like a glove. Everything was perfect but sooner I had to let go.
In our lives we have people we seem to can't let go of. More often that not, these are borne out of our own choice to keep the routine going; to pretend that everything else is fine because we had wonderful memories together. Sometimes, it is because we love the person so much that we cannot bear to picture life without that person. But eventually, when you step away from all the chaos; when you're already seated at the balcony, you view a different perspective that wasn't at all possible before.
That's when you know that you probably had enough. Or maybe the time given to the two of you is already up.
For some people like me, I see a worn-out pair of shoes that won't be able to support my feet because underneath its dulling color, the sole is already breaking. And to walk with them would certainly bring more calluses to my already blistered heels.
Letting go is such a hard thing to do. But for some people, it becomes more of a necessity than an alternative. Sometimes, we just have to let the wounds heal and go on our separate ways and hope against hope that one day, we find ourselves face to face with our past. This time, with clearer minds; this time with the maturity that time ultimately brings.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Complacency Kills
Complacency Kills
It’s been a while since the sun shone in all its glory. We’ve been having days when the sun would go up early and would then be eclipsed by the clouds and the gloom that comes with it. It’s been an on and off thing. All you can do is just wait for the seemingly predictable pattern to fade away. Sometimes, all we need in our lives is a hefty helping of change.
Within the past year, I’ve encountered more changes than what I could have possibly hoped to handle. I’ve switched jobs, left friends, disappointed people, took up new hobbies. Damn, I even have a new favorite NBA team. It’s just nothing short of a miracle that I am able to say all of this considering all of the depression that I’ve gone through the past years. I’m just thankful because I really did not expect to last this long. Then again, all of us are unaware of our time of reckoning.
All I’m saying is that sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, we need it more than it needs us. Because when we slip into that circle of complacency, that stagnant state of habit; that’s when everything else comes crumbling down. In relation to a Spanish soap opera that has Tagalog dubbing in it, that’s when the husband knows that his wife has already left him for someone who has given her more time and attention.
Complacency kills.
And I don’t even have to illustrate how. Everybody knows how the story ends.
Sometimes, to become a better person, we should be exposed to a certain amount of pain; a definite string of disappointments, before we can learn to appreciate what we have. We sometimes have to lose the remaining P20.00 that we have in our wallet to learn its value; that during a rainy day in the middle of Ortigas, that’s the only way home for a commuter like me.
I am fortunate enough to come home dry these past days. Let’s hope the only thing that doesn’t change is my luck.
It’s been a while since the sun shone in all its glory. We’ve been having days when the sun would go up early and would then be eclipsed by the clouds and the gloom that comes with it. It’s been an on and off thing. All you can do is just wait for the seemingly predictable pattern to fade away. Sometimes, all we need in our lives is a hefty helping of change.
Within the past year, I’ve encountered more changes than what I could have possibly hoped to handle. I’ve switched jobs, left friends, disappointed people, took up new hobbies. Damn, I even have a new favorite NBA team. It’s just nothing short of a miracle that I am able to say all of this considering all of the depression that I’ve gone through the past years. I’m just thankful because I really did not expect to last this long. Then again, all of us are unaware of our time of reckoning.
All I’m saying is that sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, we need it more than it needs us. Because when we slip into that circle of complacency, that stagnant state of habit; that’s when everything else comes crumbling down. In relation to a Spanish soap opera that has Tagalog dubbing in it, that’s when the husband knows that his wife has already left him for someone who has given her more time and attention.
Complacency kills.
And I don’t even have to illustrate how. Everybody knows how the story ends.
Sometimes, to become a better person, we should be exposed to a certain amount of pain; a definite string of disappointments, before we can learn to appreciate what we have. We sometimes have to lose the remaining P20.00 that we have in our wallet to learn its value; that during a rainy day in the middle of Ortigas, that’s the only way home for a commuter like me.
I am fortunate enough to come home dry these past days. Let’s hope the only thing that doesn’t change is my luck.
Monday, July 19, 2004
My Dependence on Despair
My Dependence on Despair
Before anything else, let me make it clear that this is not another one of those sad posts that I normally make.
I was going through some of the poems that I made before and most, if not all, of them share only two themes: love and sadness. I find it very fascinating that people write the most beautiful lines when they feel these two emotions. In my case, I think some of my better poems were made when I was down; when I was nearing the brink.
I am just relieved that I have an outlet in writing. I never thought it would bring me a sense of peace and a security of sorts.
Expressing myself through writing has always been my therapy. Even though I despair most of the time, I’m still thankful that I have so much to write about. Life is all about attitude I guess. Everybody needs to have their perspectives made over. I hope this is the start.
"Before the Slumber"
by Zeus Martinez
I speak of a thousand heartbreaks.
I claim the sadness of the world.
and for the briefest of Eternities,
the tears start to fall.
And in the descent of water and salt
I find the union of hope and despair.
My eyes gaze upon the clear sky
which bades dark hues from afar.
I sing the saddest of songs
while caught in the dirge of innumerables
lazily making their way down the earth.
I am soaked but I am still thirsty.
It seems that I am otherwise trapped
in this fleeting melancholy
and I cannot wait to break free
to manage a faint smile before I sleep.
Like I said, the better ones were made when I was down. I guess for some people, inspiration will only come with tribulation.
Before anything else, let me make it clear that this is not another one of those sad posts that I normally make.
I was going through some of the poems that I made before and most, if not all, of them share only two themes: love and sadness. I find it very fascinating that people write the most beautiful lines when they feel these two emotions. In my case, I think some of my better poems were made when I was down; when I was nearing the brink.
I am just relieved that I have an outlet in writing. I never thought it would bring me a sense of peace and a security of sorts.
Expressing myself through writing has always been my therapy. Even though I despair most of the time, I’m still thankful that I have so much to write about. Life is all about attitude I guess. Everybody needs to have their perspectives made over. I hope this is the start.
"Before the Slumber"
by Zeus Martinez
I speak of a thousand heartbreaks.
I claim the sadness of the world.
and for the briefest of Eternities,
the tears start to fall.
And in the descent of water and salt
I find the union of hope and despair.
My eyes gaze upon the clear sky
which bades dark hues from afar.
I sing the saddest of songs
while caught in the dirge of innumerables
lazily making their way down the earth.
I am soaked but I am still thirsty.
It seems that I am otherwise trapped
in this fleeting melancholy
and I cannot wait to break free
to manage a faint smile before I sleep.
Like I said, the better ones were made when I was down. I guess for some people, inspiration will only come with tribulation.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Surprise, Surprise!
Surprise, Surprise!
Yesterday was a happy day for me. I helped throw my friend A.J. a surprise debut birthday party for my friend of 13 years. I guess he was surprised enough because all he could say to his cousin while flashing a really wide smile:
(Eh sa nakalimutan yung definition ng "surprise" eh! 'Yaan mo na, birthday naman eh. Hehe!)
Us friends had a blast just recounting that moment over and over again. :) Another one for the books.
Thirteen years. When you say it out loud, you wonder where those years went. And then you start to look back to your past. You suddenly realize that time doesn't wait for anyone. It flies by so fast that 13 years may come as quick as a blink of an eye.
I had so much fun yesterday because me and my friends were all there. You realize that these are the friends that you've been seeing each and every year when this particular date arrives. It's comforting to know that some things never change.
It's been 13 years and counting.
Can't wait for the next decade to come.
