Dazed and Confused
I am oftentimes consumed by thoughts of someone. I know it shouldn't be the case. Here's what goes through my head when I can't stop thinking about someone I like.
An End To Waking Hours
by Zeus Martinez
Tonight I am left with the afterglow of moonlight
I slowly write the saddest of lines
I take in my longing for you and breathe in
And as the air leaves my lungs I realize
that it is the longest of sighs.c
Tonight I look around and find you nowhere
Intently I strain to hear your voice amidst the eerie hum
Between the intervals of clockticks and silence I wait
But your sweet voice has faded along with the darkness
And I am uncertain if it will ever return.
Tonight I close my eyes and then see yours
My face strikes a familiar smile
One that I recognize during happier days
A smile that replaces the volumes of hurt I now hold
A calming smile only you can ever offer.
Tonight my heart will sleep with an immense void
And there is nothing I can do but surrender
Because I have lost my heart’s desire
And I prepare for the coming hours
Because without you, tonight will be unkind.
This is about a girl whom I courted before. It turns out that I wasn't enough for her. Those weren't her words verbatim however that basically sums up her feelings towards me. As I type this entry, I can't help but smirk and shake my head in vain because that has probably been my lifelong frustration---being turned down because I didn't make the grade. To tell you the truth it is a bit frustrating when you hear woeful tales of a girl whom you like being dumped by their boyfriends just because they got tired of them...just because they saw greener grass. It's the ultimate irony.
As someone who is in a relationship, I can say that I never hold back anything simply because I feel that life is too short. I am what you could call a "doting" partner. (I just got reacquainted with the word so please bear with me :p) Sometimes I think to myself, what's wrong with being a good person. Almost every girl worth being in a relationship in that I've met is always attracted to a person who you can typically call a "bad boy". I'm not bitter. I guess I just want an explanation why the smart, funny, beautiful, malambing, gorgeous, intelligent, eloquent women fall for that.
It's not that I would change into that because I really am not that kind of person. I quit smoking. I'm still in the process of totally taking alcohol out of my system and I'm already looking forward to eliminating profanity in my language. That's the hardest part since it's already been ingrained in the Filipino vocabulary as an everyday expression. As you can see, I am planning to become annoyingly boring. ^_^ I still shake my head after typing this. I know I can't please everybody and I don't really intend to. It's not being apathetic. It's just something that I choose to stand for. One day, I would like people to think of me as someone who stood up for what I think was right and wrong.
No gray areas. At all.
I think I would be happy if I was able to do that, if would come to that point in my life that I didn't have to compromise what I believe in just so that people would accept or even worse, love me.
As I am typing this, I hear a great voice booming over my head and I don't understand what it's saying. Maybe it is the evil that I am trying to avoid or maybe it is my conscience trying to talk some sense into me that this particular lifestyle will not make me any more popular. I just shrug and say, "I wasn't aiming for popularity at all." Some people will understand; most people won't. Life is all about relativity. I don't know if someone will ever come again. Nevertheless, the journey of life goes on. There are no stop signs for me.
Here's to hoping someone will share my definition of a love worth sharing.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Sunday, April 24, 2005
The Things We Own End Up Owning Us
The Things We Own End Up Owning Us
After 4 years, 3 months and 21 days I finally got a new (and much better) phone for myself. It's the one I've always wanted ever since I saw it online. I had to sell off about P19k worth of Magic cards but it was worth it.
And get this: it's a colored display phone. ^_^
A portrait of my 6630.
I never really banked on getting myself a new phone this year because this was something that I didn't really have money for. So I sold off some of my precious Magic The Gathering cards and got myself the Nokia unit that I liked. Coming to this decision and actually pushing through with it was such a liberating feeling because for the longest time I felt that my hobby was something that I couldn't let go of. Even though that game might seem trivial, it was a part of me that I really wanted to let go of. When I was walking away from the shop I sold my cards to, I felt a sense of peace that I've honestly never felt before. I was finally able to let go of something material that I had grown attached to and it felt good---even if they were just pieces of cardboards. In the process, I was able to get the phone that I really wanted and that was a big plus for me.
I hope this phone lasts me for as long as it can. It literally is a symbol of my letting go of the hobby that I had for 10 years. But more importantly, it helped me let go of some of the material things in my life. Four or five years from now I honestly want it to still be here with me as a memory of the day I let go of something dear to my heart and gained something more precious in return.
After 4 years, 3 months and 21 days I finally got a new (and much better) phone for myself. It's the one I've always wanted ever since I saw it online. I had to sell off about P19k worth of Magic cards but it was worth it.
And get this: it's a colored display phone. ^_^
A portrait of my 6630.
Another attempt at a creative shot
I never really banked on getting myself a new phone this year because this was something that I didn't really have money for. So I sold off some of my precious Magic The Gathering cards and got myself the Nokia unit that I liked. Coming to this decision and actually pushing through with it was such a liberating feeling because for the longest time I felt that my hobby was something that I couldn't let go of. Even though that game might seem trivial, it was a part of me that I really wanted to let go of. When I was walking away from the shop I sold my cards to, I felt a sense of peace that I've honestly never felt before. I was finally able to let go of something material that I had grown attached to and it felt good---even if they were just pieces of cardboards. In the process, I was able to get the phone that I really wanted and that was a big plus for me.
I hope this phone lasts me for as long as it can. It literally is a symbol of my letting go of the hobby that I had for 10 years. But more importantly, it helped me let go of some of the material things in my life. Four or five years from now I honestly want it to still be here with me as a memory of the day I let go of something dear to my heart and gained something more precious in return.
