I'm Sorry...

I'm Sorry...

There are times that I can't seem to shake off all of the disappointments that I've done, all the hurts that I've caused, all the people I've abandoned, all the friends I've left behind.

I try to live my life as good as humanly possible but when I look back at my life and all of the people I've hurt, I cannot help but become teary-eyed. Instead of becoming a guide in this journey we call life, I've managed to make people fall and stumble along the way.

And as the title of this entry says, I am sorry. This isn't for any specific person. This is for everybody who knows me. And I know this entry is not impactful as a face-to-face apology but believe me, if I knew I had wronged you in any manner, I would not hesitate to ask for forgiveness from you. And so I would like to say sorry...

I am sorry for all the hurtful things that I've done to you, no matter how small or big they were.

I am sorry for becoming a stumbling block to you.

I am sorry for becoming a bad example when you needed me to become a good one.

I am sorry for being a bad example, period.

I am sorry because I made you feel insecure and/or uncomfortable.

I am sorry for not being true to my word.

I am sorry because I just rub you the wrong way.

How I wish I knew what I did wrong, so I could tell you now that it wasn't on purpose. How I wish you could know the person who I am now.

And for everybody who believes my sincerity, I hope you can forgive me.

I learned in Matthew 5:13 that as a Christian, I should be salt and light of the earth. I hate the feeling. I hate the feeling that there are times that I feel like that. I hate the feeling of knowing "patapon ang buhay ko na parang basahan" [my life is as useless as a filthy rag] .

And then came Jesus. You all know the story. He died for our sins; whatever shameful thing I have done, He already took the blame. God forgave all of my sins, all of the shameful things I have done. All of them. When I look at my life and realize that someone actually died for a filthy rag like me, I cannot do anything but respond in love. Who am I to shun a kind of love as inconceivable as that?

I have been forgiven a great deal.

So this is how the prodigal son must have felt.

A Poem For Her

A Poem For Her

This is a post that is quite different from my previous entries. No matter how much I try, I still cannot seem to shake her image from my mind. And when she's there, it's as if everything else blurs in comparison. When I think about how innate our longing to love and be loved is, I remember a saying that goes, "We are, each of us angels with only one wing; and we can only fly by embracing one another."

Confessions
by Zeus Martinez

How can I not fall for you, my love?
How can I ever look into your quiet eyes
and not tremble through and through
because you are most beautiful in my sight?

I stop and hold my breath as if underwater
for I fear your radiance and allure
shall wrestle the life out of me
until I bequeath my consciousness to you.

How can I not smile when I see you smile?
How can I ever take back my heart
which now rests on the palm of your hand
like the moon does on the starlit sky?

I try with the greatest of efforts
to find the words to describe my state.
My captivated soul sighs as well as I
for you silence me and make me still.

Why did you have to be so beautiful?
Why did you have to be so enchanting & perfect
like a sunset over a vast blue horizon
in the waning hours of a summer's day.

I cannot help but fall for you.
As much as the waves cannot
help but seek out sand and shore
my heart gravitates towards you.

How can I not slip into simultaneous
fear and joy when you walk past me
you are the gentle summer breeze
that moves me to close my eyes and sigh.

As always, you are unaware of these
lofty confessions that I pronounce.
And you shall hear them but also
never understand how deep I've fallen.

How can I forget my enamored heart
still beats but finds you far from me?
I wish I could tell you everything
and then just walk away.

I need not wait for an answer
for I fear the truth it will contain.
I hope one day, I will have nothing to lose
so you may know what my heart wanted to say.

Until then, I still wonder without end.
Why of all the muses I have met,
the loveliest of them all had to be
the farthest from my reach.

For someone who doesn't know who she is in my life.