1:57 AM

1:57 AM

Dearest Nina,

I do not have the faintest idea of what you are thinking right now. I don't even want to pretend to know. But I am hoping for the best and expecting the worst. After our Great Misunderstanding last June, I am quite certain that your perception of who I am has deeply changed. For the worst, that is.

To you and your friends, I will be branded as "the-one-who-never-understood-you". And I readily concede to that title because I was always reversing roles with you when it came to who was right and who was wrong. This time, I am the guilty party but I still feel that we still had a lot to talk about. I don't want to point any fingers anymore because I really want to start all over again. But I know that will not happen anymore.

I have waited for two years to get back together with you. I have thought about the things that have led me to this decision to get up and try again. And I believe I have made this decision 6 months ago. I just wanted everything to be perfect that's why I delayed it this long. I wanted to get back together at the same time that you said "Yes" to me that sleep-stricken morning--1:57AM.

It has been 2 years but now, on the most important occasion of my life, I am unable to text, call or e-mail you because you told me not to. You got angry at me because I guess I deserved that kind of attitude from you. You might want to say that you got fed up with all of the bullsh*t that I've given you.

I would like to say sorry but I won't because it has been a word that has been overused in our relationship. I even think it has lost its meaning for me. But I still am regretful of the things that I have done to you in the past. And if given the choice, I would choose not to have met you at all so I couldn't hurt you how I did the past three years; how I'm hurting you right now. If ever I would be saying those words to you again, I would really mean it.

So now, on our "anniversary", I would still like to let you know that I still care for you and that I still love you. I miss you everyday. And when I look out the windows of my office my mind lingers on to the times we would smile at each other and suddenly feel our hearts beat a little faster. You were my dream girl but I didn't know what I had in you until you were gone.

I'm sorry Nina. I hope one sweet day, you can forgive me. I hope that a miracle will come to our lives and lead us back into each other's presence.

Until then,
Zeus



Better days.

Pensive Expressions

Pensive Expressions

It is one of those times again wherein I wonder how in the world I was able to survive the day. I try to piece together everything and everyone that has helped me get through the day unscathed. And I thank each and every one of you. You guys know who you are--those who talk to me, those who comfort me, those people who listen to me and my tale of woe...

                                      "The Graying of Skies"
                                         by Zeus Martinez

                              As I wake up to a squalid world
                              I am greeted by squeaking doors
                              and the torn windows of my empty room
                              And the picture frames are bare

                              I struggle to bring back the memory of you
                              For it is a long-forgotten tale
                              Because you have left me for false comfort
                              Where now is your love?

                              I try and fail to describe that day;
                              that day we said farewell
                              That time my sun set in sorrow
                              and never rose again.

...and to YOU, you know who you are. I miss you so much. I know it will not faze you even one bit, but I still want you to know that I dream and think about you everyday.

Everyday.

I really wish I never wake up. If I could hold on to those dreams forever, I would.

The Thickening Haze

The Thickening Haze

At the time of this entry's typing, I was currently in the office, literally on my 11th hour. It just so happened that doing a report for a tedious Thursday meeting the next day seemed like a more attractive idea to me at the time. I guess I just remember what Alanis Morisette said in one of his Jagged Little Pill hits:

"I'm tired but I'm working yeah!"

It's such pitiful thing that we take our jobs for granted sometimes. Maybe we feel like we have the short end of the stick because we're constantly under watchful eyes of a supervisor; or maybe because we can't surf Friendster without using a proxy site to get through the company's firewall. In the end, we should all be thankful because we have something we can hold onto, something that can divert our thoughts from the worries that plague our minds. After all, the majority of the people in our country don't have a stable job, steady source of income or even Internet access.

Each day that passes by, I recognize the importance of working the 9 to 5 job. Each and every setting of the sun, I am thankful that I have a job that I can run to when I have problems. A little time spent with something can do strange things to people. More of like a prison, the first time you enter it, you can't stop bad-mouthing your work, but in the end, you get institutionalized by the corporate walls and then after a tenure of 30 or more years, you can't seem to separate yourself from the idea of it.

Some people understand the finality and the seriousness of work and maybe that is why those types of people hold onto their jobs with all their heart and soul because they know that within that community, they are special, within that particular building, they are people with a capital "P". They are greeted by the courteous guards with a smile; they are patted on their backs by their beloved clients and are welcomed with open arms by their colleagues after an unforseen hiatus. Work becomes a second family for some people. And for a select few, it becomes their spouse.

It's not surprising to see some people sacrifice a lot for their jobs. For something that is so dear to one's heart, some people don't believe anything should come before someone else's job.

I, on the other hand, am at the point of being swayed. I am at a grey area right now and there is nothing I would like to have than a little bit of clarity.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

I had a YM conversation with Hazel yesterday. She's one of my good colleagues here at work. She said something that probably summed up what I was feeling at that moment:

"being alone is the breeding ground for insanity...."

I couldn't agree more.

Sunday was a burden to go through. It wasn't because I had a previous obligation to attend to or that I had an altercation with someone. I just felt so alone at that time. I literally felt tired because of the solitude. And yesterday, through the smiles and little moments of levity, I just felt so alone in this world. It just so happens that I'm very good in hiding what I'm feeling. Maybe that's why no one ever figures out suicides. You never even imagine that this one person whom you've just seen a couple of days or weeks ago is capable of ending it all.

And you heard their laughter and saw their made-up smiles but you never saw through such walls. And you just couldn't figure out why they did something as irrational as killing themself. That is, until you piece together each and every evidence that will further lay waste to the mourning and grieving. Until you realize that they always liked to be alone; until you realize that they never had any enemies--as well as friends.

And then you let out that sigh that forever leaves you empty and helpless.

Maybe for some individuals, ending it all isn't as irrational as it may seem to us. Maybe for them, it's the most rational thing to do because that's the only way to end all of their pain; that maybe the only way to be at peace is to feel nothing at all, to forever numb the heart and stop the rage and confusion and most of all, the memories.

I wonder if it ever works.

Waiting For The Answer

Waiting For The Answer

I wish someone would be able to sing this to me.

"Answer"
  Sarah McLachlan


I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
Why take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you that I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
And break choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you that I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind.


Is it too much to ask for someone to be your pillar of strength; to be there for you when you are at your weakest; to be there to catch you when you fall; to be able to give truth to all of the oversold clichés that you've heard ever since you realized that you can't make it on your own?

I guess for some people it is.