Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

I had a YM conversation with Hazel yesterday. She's one of my good colleagues here at work. She said something that probably summed up what I was feeling at that moment:

"being alone is the breeding ground for insanity...."

I couldn't agree more.

Sunday was a burden to go through. It wasn't because I had a previous obligation to attend to or that I had an altercation with someone. I just felt so alone at that time. I literally felt tired because of the solitude. And yesterday, through the smiles and little moments of levity, I just felt so alone in this world. It just so happens that I'm very good in hiding what I'm feeling. Maybe that's why no one ever figures out suicides. You never even imagine that this one person whom you've just seen a couple of days or weeks ago is capable of ending it all.

And you heard their laughter and saw their made-up smiles but you never saw through such walls. And you just couldn't figure out why they did something as irrational as killing themself. That is, until you piece together each and every evidence that will further lay waste to the mourning and grieving. Until you realize that they always liked to be alone; until you realize that they never had any enemies--as well as friends.

And then you let out that sigh that forever leaves you empty and helpless.

Maybe for some individuals, ending it all isn't as irrational as it may seem to us. Maybe for them, it's the most rational thing to do because that's the only way to end all of their pain; that maybe the only way to be at peace is to feel nothing at all, to forever numb the heart and stop the rage and confusion and most of all, the memories.

I wonder if it ever works.