That One Special Day

That One Special Day

I believe the most deplorable thing that can happen to a person is to experience helplessness. It must be similar to the feeling when you're already burning in that boiling lake of sulfur when you're already in Hell. The place of fire and brimstone.

The place I am now. Figuratively, that is.

This month has absolutely been one of the worst times in my life. It seems that I have been engulfed by the jaws of helplessness. And I feel it has swallowed me whole. Believe me when I say that it is one of the few emotions I do not wish upon anyone because it breaks people. It cripples them and consumes their hopes and dreams and buries them with it after it is through with them.

I have had regrets which I have realized too late and I cannot seem to see past them. I cannot seem to see the sliver of hope that many friends would say that I have because it almost seems too minute to be recognized. I am aware that we should never dwell on our regrets; that there is no use in crying over spilled milk because that's just how life is. C'est la vie.

I am at a point in my life right now where I wake up and I see the futility of living. I see the despair that I have to face every day and I cannot seem to stare at it in the face because I am afraid. No...I am terrified to say the least.

I am unemployed.

I am confused.

I am lost.

I am disappointed. Most especially with myself.

Sometimes I feel like a caged animal where all I see are bars in front of me. Limitations, restrictions, hopelessness. It is a desolation of sorts because I feel so disconnected from everyone else and from myself. I just wish there was a way out.

In four days, I will have stayed on this Earth for nearly a quarter of a century. And I feel that I have nothing to show for it. Just disappointed people and a thousand broken dreams and wishes that during my days of naiveté were the things that drove me to fight the good fight. Four days from now will be my birthday. Or at least that's what will some attempt to call it. For me, it will probably be just an ordinary day or maybe even a sad one. Perhaps my saddest birthday to date.

I just wish people really had one birthday wish to make on their special day. That would at least give me hope. And for me, that is all that I need right now...that will definitely suffice.