Dazed and Confused
I am oftentimes consumed by thoughts of someone. I know it shouldn't be the case. Here's what goes through my head when I can't stop thinking about someone I like.
An End To Waking Hours
by Zeus Martinez
Tonight I am left with the afterglow of moonlight
I slowly write the saddest of lines
I take in my longing for you and breathe in
And as the air leaves my lungs I realize
that it is the longest of sighs.c
Tonight I look around and find you nowhere
Intently I strain to hear your voice amidst the eerie hum
Between the intervals of clockticks and silence I wait
But your sweet voice has faded along with the darkness
And I am uncertain if it will ever return.
Tonight I close my eyes and then see yours
My face strikes a familiar smile
One that I recognize during happier days
A smile that replaces the volumes of hurt I now hold
A calming smile only you can ever offer.
Tonight my heart will sleep with an immense void
And there is nothing I can do but surrender
Because I have lost my heart’s desire
And I prepare for the coming hours
Because without you, tonight will be unkind.
This is about a girl whom I courted before. It turns out that I wasn't enough for her. Those weren't her words verbatim however that basically sums up her feelings towards me. As I type this entry, I can't help but smirk and shake my head in vain because that has probably been my lifelong frustration---being turned down because I didn't make the grade. To tell you the truth it is a bit frustrating when you hear woeful tales of a girl whom you like being dumped by their boyfriends just because they got tired of them...just because they saw greener grass. It's the ultimate irony.
As someone who is in a relationship, I can say that I never hold back anything simply because I feel that life is too short. I am what you could call a "doting" partner. (I just got reacquainted with the word so please bear with me :p) Sometimes I think to myself, what's wrong with being a good person. Almost every girl worth being in a relationship in that I've met is always attracted to a person who you can typically call a "bad boy". I'm not bitter. I guess I just want an explanation why the smart, funny, beautiful, malambing, gorgeous, intelligent, eloquent women fall for that.
It's not that I would change into that because I really am not that kind of person. I quit smoking. I'm still in the process of totally taking alcohol out of my system and I'm already looking forward to eliminating profanity in my language. That's the hardest part since it's already been ingrained in the Filipino vocabulary as an everyday expression. As you can see, I am planning to become annoyingly boring. ^_^ I still shake my head after typing this. I know I can't please everybody and I don't really intend to. It's not being apathetic. It's just something that I choose to stand for. One day, I would like people to think of me as someone who stood up for what I think was right and wrong.
No gray areas. At all.
I think I would be happy if I was able to do that, if would come to that point in my life that I didn't have to compromise what I believe in just so that people would accept or even worse, love me.
As I am typing this, I hear a great voice booming over my head and I don't understand what it's saying. Maybe it is the evil that I am trying to avoid or maybe it is my conscience trying to talk some sense into me that this particular lifestyle will not make me any more popular. I just shrug and say, "I wasn't aiming for popularity at all." Some people will understand; most people won't. Life is all about relativity. I don't know if someone will ever come again. Nevertheless, the journey of life goes on. There are no stop signs for me.
Here's to hoping someone will share my definition of a love worth sharing.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Sunday, April 24, 2005
The Things We Own End Up Owning Us
The Things We Own End Up Owning Us
After 4 years, 3 months and 21 days I finally got a new (and much better) phone for myself. It's the one I've always wanted ever since I saw it online. I had to sell off about P19k worth of Magic cards but it was worth it.
And get this: it's a colored display phone. ^_^
A portrait of my 6630.
I never really banked on getting myself a new phone this year because this was something that I didn't really have money for. So I sold off some of my precious Magic The Gathering cards and got myself the Nokia unit that I liked. Coming to this decision and actually pushing through with it was such a liberating feeling because for the longest time I felt that my hobby was something that I couldn't let go of. Even though that game might seem trivial, it was a part of me that I really wanted to let go of. When I was walking away from the shop I sold my cards to, I felt a sense of peace that I've honestly never felt before. I was finally able to let go of something material that I had grown attached to and it felt good---even if they were just pieces of cardboards. In the process, I was able to get the phone that I really wanted and that was a big plus for me.
I hope this phone lasts me for as long as it can. It literally is a symbol of my letting go of the hobby that I had for 10 years. But more importantly, it helped me let go of some of the material things in my life. Four or five years from now I honestly want it to still be here with me as a memory of the day I let go of something dear to my heart and gained something more precious in return.
After 4 years, 3 months and 21 days I finally got a new (and much better) phone for myself. It's the one I've always wanted ever since I saw it online. I had to sell off about P19k worth of Magic cards but it was worth it.
And get this: it's a colored display phone. ^_^
A portrait of my 6630.
Another attempt at a creative shot
I never really banked on getting myself a new phone this year because this was something that I didn't really have money for. So I sold off some of my precious Magic The Gathering cards and got myself the Nokia unit that I liked. Coming to this decision and actually pushing through with it was such a liberating feeling because for the longest time I felt that my hobby was something that I couldn't let go of. Even though that game might seem trivial, it was a part of me that I really wanted to let go of. When I was walking away from the shop I sold my cards to, I felt a sense of peace that I've honestly never felt before. I was finally able to let go of something material that I had grown attached to and it felt good---even if they were just pieces of cardboards. In the process, I was able to get the phone that I really wanted and that was a big plus for me.
I hope this phone lasts me for as long as it can. It literally is a symbol of my letting go of the hobby that I had for 10 years. But more importantly, it helped me let go of some of the material things in my life. Four or five years from now I honestly want it to still be here with me as a memory of the day I let go of something dear to my heart and gained something more precious in return.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Ranting About Reform in RP
Ranting About Reform in RP
I remember when I was a child, I was asked if I wanted to live in the United States. And it wasn't just a question that was casually thrown at me like a set of spare keys. The thought of leaving my friends was just too much for me to handle. It was something that was decided upon the moment I was asked that question. Of course, I had no capacity for thinking about the future. What was there to think about. The Philippines was a wonderful place to live in during those times. At least in the environment that I lived in. I was brought up in a subdivision where I had a lot of friends and I thought that everything that I would need would be provided by my country.
It only takes a few years of working here to finally understand how flawed that argument was.
I am not ashamed of my stature here but I am deeply concerned about how deplorable our situation is right now. Put a Filipino nurse in let's say, PGH and put another one in the United States or let's say Canada. All else being equal, the one living in the U.S. will surely experience greater financial freedom.
Ceteris paribus, the grass is always greener at the Western side. It is something that we've learned to live with for the past century because our economic state has gradually declined so much you'd think the Philippines was damned.
I'd like to be able to suggest something that would at least take us a step closer to reform. I'd like to but I can't. Because I honestly don't know where to begin. We're [the Philippines] so deep into our hangups that we really can't sit down and focus on one thing because everything else that we would be ignoring needs as much attention.
Whoever has an inkling of how we should go about turning this country around, by all means, shout it out.
I remember when I was a child, I was asked if I wanted to live in the United States. And it wasn't just a question that was casually thrown at me like a set of spare keys. The thought of leaving my friends was just too much for me to handle. It was something that was decided upon the moment I was asked that question. Of course, I had no capacity for thinking about the future. What was there to think about. The Philippines was a wonderful place to live in during those times. At least in the environment that I lived in. I was brought up in a subdivision where I had a lot of friends and I thought that everything that I would need would be provided by my country.
It only takes a few years of working here to finally understand how flawed that argument was.
I am not ashamed of my stature here but I am deeply concerned about how deplorable our situation is right now. Put a Filipino nurse in let's say, PGH and put another one in the United States or let's say Canada. All else being equal, the one living in the U.S. will surely experience greater financial freedom.
Ceteris paribus, the grass is always greener at the Western side. It is something that we've learned to live with for the past century because our economic state has gradually declined so much you'd think the Philippines was damned.
I'd like to be able to suggest something that would at least take us a step closer to reform. I'd like to but I can't. Because I honestly don't know where to begin. We're [the Philippines] so deep into our hangups that we really can't sit down and focus on one thing because everything else that we would be ignoring needs as much attention.
Whoever has an inkling of how we should go about turning this country around, by all means, shout it out.
Monday, April 11, 2005
It's not "Goodbye". It's "I'll See You Soon"
It's not "Goodbye", It's "I'll See You Soon"
Happy in Tagaytay
Last Sunday, my grandfather passed away. Even though he left me with the feeling of great loss, I know I'll be able to see him again someday. Rest in Peace, Pa.
Happy in Tagaytay
Last Sunday, my grandfather passed away. Even though he left me with the feeling of great loss, I know I'll be able to see him again someday. Rest in Peace, Pa.
Cluster Headache
Cluster Headache
Friday night, last week I did my normal routine of going to the gym, eating out and then riding the shuttle back home. But by the time I was home, my head was pounding. It wasn't because of high BP though. This was different. It was as if I could feel my heartbeat through my temples. If I had not worked out that night, I doubt that I could have slept through the pain.
Saturday and Sunday came and the headache still lingered. I did notice something though. Whenever I would try to shake my head (as if saying "No"), the top of my head which is probaby the center of my skull would hurt like hell. It's as if a jackhammer was drilling on it. Aside from that, the only symptom that I could take note of is whenever I would lie down on my side, I could literally feel my heartbeat on my left temple. It's a one-sided kind of throbbing because my right side would not hurt as much. I did some research and I think it's a cluster headache because of the throbbing pain in my left temple.
Today, the pain has become manageable compared to the night before but it still hurts. I just hope that whatever this is, it's not serious at all.
For those of you who read this, I would appreciate it if you included me in your prayers. Hope you have a headache-free week ahead.
Friday night, last week I did my normal routine of going to the gym, eating out and then riding the shuttle back home. But by the time I was home, my head was pounding. It wasn't because of high BP though. This was different. It was as if I could feel my heartbeat through my temples. If I had not worked out that night, I doubt that I could have slept through the pain.
Saturday and Sunday came and the headache still lingered. I did notice something though. Whenever I would try to shake my head (as if saying "No"), the top of my head which is probaby the center of my skull would hurt like hell. It's as if a jackhammer was drilling on it. Aside from that, the only symptom that I could take note of is whenever I would lie down on my side, I could literally feel my heartbeat on my left temple. It's a one-sided kind of throbbing because my right side would not hurt as much. I did some research and I think it's a cluster headache because of the throbbing pain in my left temple.
Today, the pain has become manageable compared to the night before but it still hurts. I just hope that whatever this is, it's not serious at all.
For those of you who read this, I would appreciate it if you included me in your prayers. Hope you have a headache-free week ahead.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
On Contentment
On Contentment
It's officially the start of the summer season.
I remember last year, I was unemployed back then. I was probably waking up very late in the morning and turning on the computer every day of April. March 15th of last year I just recently resigned from my work as a call center agent. I didn't really want to work right away because I was too busy enjoying the luxury and privilege of sleeping in the evening and waking up in the morning and not the other way around.
Now, it's summer again. There are days when the weather is so hot that it seems very difficult to breathe and there are so-so days when the slight breeze outside is enough to make the staring sun bearable. I wish I could join the people in the airport on their way to Cebu, Palawan or Boracay but I'm stuck here at work. I'm not complaining though. (something I want to get rid of) I'm happy as it is. I remember the time that I was looking for a job and then this opportunity came.
It is only with a grateful heart that I can say that I was blessed that fateful July when I entered into my second job. It's been tough, of course because I am in the business of sales but with all of the hardships and tough times that I've had in my job, all of the good far outweighs each and every trial.
Summer is officially here. I know it because I can see flocks of kids walking to the basketball court with jerseys on to practice for the summer league. I already feel the missing presence of schoolbuses and uniform-clad children whenever I board a jeepney. I see flyers of dancing classes, acting workshops and basketball camps scattered all around. It is the time for relaxing for the average student; a time for out-of-town trips and what not. But I really don't miss it at all.
I really don't miss it at all because I know that I am content with what I am doing. If I were to look at each and every situation in my life as I do my work now, I would probably be at my happiest right now. Of course, I still yearn to do more than my regular routine of coming in to work and typing away or calling potential clients. I guess I don't mind at all because of the culture that the company adopts. Plus, my co-workers are such good-natured and wonderful people. And because I'm an observer by nature, I learn a lot from them everyday.
Summer is back and I don't mind being indoors, working. It sure beats being indoors reading the classifieds section everyday. We should always be grateful. It would always be better to want what you already have than want the things you don't have. Sometimes, the important lessons in life, we learn on our own. I learned that the secret of contentment was never really a secret at all to begin with.
It's officially the start of the summer season.
I remember last year, I was unemployed back then. I was probably waking up very late in the morning and turning on the computer every day of April. March 15th of last year I just recently resigned from my work as a call center agent. I didn't really want to work right away because I was too busy enjoying the luxury and privilege of sleeping in the evening and waking up in the morning and not the other way around.
Now, it's summer again. There are days when the weather is so hot that it seems very difficult to breathe and there are so-so days when the slight breeze outside is enough to make the staring sun bearable. I wish I could join the people in the airport on their way to Cebu, Palawan or Boracay but I'm stuck here at work. I'm not complaining though. (something I want to get rid of) I'm happy as it is. I remember the time that I was looking for a job and then this opportunity came.
It is only with a grateful heart that I can say that I was blessed that fateful July when I entered into my second job. It's been tough, of course because I am in the business of sales but with all of the hardships and tough times that I've had in my job, all of the good far outweighs each and every trial.
Summer is officially here. I know it because I can see flocks of kids walking to the basketball court with jerseys on to practice for the summer league. I already feel the missing presence of schoolbuses and uniform-clad children whenever I board a jeepney. I see flyers of dancing classes, acting workshops and basketball camps scattered all around. It is the time for relaxing for the average student; a time for out-of-town trips and what not. But I really don't miss it at all.
I really don't miss it at all because I know that I am content with what I am doing. If I were to look at each and every situation in my life as I do my work now, I would probably be at my happiest right now. Of course, I still yearn to do more than my regular routine of coming in to work and typing away or calling potential clients. I guess I don't mind at all because of the culture that the company adopts. Plus, my co-workers are such good-natured and wonderful people. And because I'm an observer by nature, I learn a lot from them everyday.
Summer is back and I don't mind being indoors, working. It sure beats being indoors reading the classifieds section everyday. We should always be grateful. It would always be better to want what you already have than want the things you don't have. Sometimes, the important lessons in life, we learn on our own. I learned that the secret of contentment was never really a secret at all to begin with.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
The Little Prince
The Little Prince
You are the little prince.
Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla
You are the little prince.
Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Resurrection Sunday
Resurrection Sunday
Easter Sunday. Just finished watching The Passion of the Christ
Whenever I remember this particular day, I am reminded of how fortunate we are. Easter Sunday is the day that my Saviour rose again. I am reminded that we have been saved. It is the day that Jesus conquered death and paid for the sins of the person next to you, the person you will be meeting tonight, the person inside the next room, the person who your eyes will meet next.
Everyone is forgiven. This is a debt that didn't have to be paid, but was paid in full anyway. Our sins, both past, present and future ones, have been already paid. We are already saved. All we have to do, is believe in Jesus as our Lord.
I heard of a story that I can relate to this.
One night, an aircraft carrier was doing its routine voyage across the Pacific Ocean. Stationed along the edges of the carrier were crew members who were designated to stand watch. The men could see each person stationed across the entire ship. One crew member was lazily manning his post when he suddenly noticed that one of the crew members was missing. He hurriedly ran to the missing person's post and looked down at the bluish-black void to see if there was anybody overboard. Seeing nothing, he raced to the bunk of the person to check if he was there. Unfortunately the missing person was not to be found in their quarters.
That was when the alarm sounded.
The carrier then stopped and started to make its way around for a U-turn. All of the crew members were then at the edge looking around, squinting to see any sign of a person overboard. Soon enough, they saw someone over in the horizon, waving his hand. The person was lifted up from the sea and the crew hauled him in.
As he was catching his breath, one of his friends asked, "What happened? How did you fall overboard?"
The marine answered, "I don't know how I fell. But all I remember is when I saw the ship stop and turn around, I knew that I was going to be saved because you would come looking for me."
Jesus never asked us if we needed saving. But He did it anyway. I could have been that man right there. I could even have been the lowest ranked person on that ship but still, He chose to turn around and rescue me.
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down his life for his friends" John 15:13
When I arrive at the gates of Heaven, they will be closed. And when St. Peter asks me why he should allow me to enter, I will only say that I have believed in Jesus and that he is my friend and those gates will open for me.
This circus that we call life, we all the distractions and temptations will all be for naught when we leave it. All that remains is our life with the Holy Spirit, the Heavenly Father and His Son or with Lucifer and the fallen.
It's not hard to choose what we would rather have but it is living up to that choice which is the difficult part. Whatever you do, do it for His glory and you shall be rewarded.
Easter Sunday. Just finished watching The Passion of the Christ
Whenever I remember this particular day, I am reminded of how fortunate we are. Easter Sunday is the day that my Saviour rose again. I am reminded that we have been saved. It is the day that Jesus conquered death and paid for the sins of the person next to you, the person you will be meeting tonight, the person inside the next room, the person who your eyes will meet next.
Everyone is forgiven. This is a debt that didn't have to be paid, but was paid in full anyway. Our sins, both past, present and future ones, have been already paid. We are already saved. All we have to do, is believe in Jesus as our Lord.
I heard of a story that I can relate to this.
One night, an aircraft carrier was doing its routine voyage across the Pacific Ocean. Stationed along the edges of the carrier were crew members who were designated to stand watch. The men could see each person stationed across the entire ship. One crew member was lazily manning his post when he suddenly noticed that one of the crew members was missing. He hurriedly ran to the missing person's post and looked down at the bluish-black void to see if there was anybody overboard. Seeing nothing, he raced to the bunk of the person to check if he was there. Unfortunately the missing person was not to be found in their quarters.
That was when the alarm sounded.
The carrier then stopped and started to make its way around for a U-turn. All of the crew members were then at the edge looking around, squinting to see any sign of a person overboard. Soon enough, they saw someone over in the horizon, waving his hand. The person was lifted up from the sea and the crew hauled him in.
As he was catching his breath, one of his friends asked, "What happened? How did you fall overboard?"
The marine answered, "I don't know how I fell. But all I remember is when I saw the ship stop and turn around, I knew that I was going to be saved because you would come looking for me."
Jesus never asked us if we needed saving. But He did it anyway. I could have been that man right there. I could even have been the lowest ranked person on that ship but still, He chose to turn around and rescue me.
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down his life for his friends" John 15:13
When I arrive at the gates of Heaven, they will be closed. And when St. Peter asks me why he should allow me to enter, I will only say that I have believed in Jesus and that he is my friend and those gates will open for me.
This circus that we call life, we all the distractions and temptations will all be for naught when we leave it. All that remains is our life with the Holy Spirit, the Heavenly Father and His Son or with Lucifer and the fallen.
It's not hard to choose what we would rather have but it is living up to that choice which is the difficult part. Whatever you do, do it for His glory and you shall be rewarded.
Monday, March 21, 2005
The Endless
The Endless
by Zeus Martinez
I am the song of mermaids amidst the raging storm.
I am that thirst that is never quenched.
I am that which goes by the name of avarice.
Look for me in the things of beauty and grace and you shall find me.
And if you pass me by without pause for notice, I will reveal your longing for me.
In due time, you shall see my fair-skinned face.
I am the desolate and the desperate.
I am that fleeting moment of hope that dies in the wind.
I am that 11th hour that never comes.
Look for me in the frowns that adorn the faces of the lost and there I will be.
Wherever you are, I shall walk by and stay.
And maybe wink at you for the irony of it all.
I am the eclectic and the insane—madness in its purest form.
I am that thin line between the genius of virtuosos and the lunacy of fools
I am those pair of eyes you see across the padded room.
Look for me in the imaginary and the colorful sounds.
I will cover you in a blanket of delusion and derangement.
And we shall embrace each other until nightfall.
I am the crumbling pillars under ivory towers.
I am that tsunami silently creeping towards the shore.
I am the sound of the crashes of a million crests and troughs.
Look for me in a dying star a million light years away.
I shall tear down the mountains and devour the land.
For I live and breathe on the sheer force of nature.
I am the unchangeable constant.
I am that gift of predetermined bliss and ruin.
I am that goal you never let go of; the drive that will never falter.
Look for me in the hearts of the proud and determined.
I will give you no other choice except this page that I have for you.
I will show you where to go and how to get there.
I am the haze that fogs your mind.
I am that undefined story; the brush of memory and clairvoyance.
I am that nightmare you feed every night.
Look for me when you close your eyes and drift off to slumber.
For I have wonderful, twisted stories to show and tell.
And they will be our little secret to keep.
I am that last 21 grams.
I am that last hopeful breath flowing out of your body.
I am that split-second flash that rides on the hinges of disaster.
Look for me everywhere and around you.
I am here to stay and stay I will.
Hear me whisper, for I am coming to visit you.
I wrote this with the intent to personify poetry. I wanted to be able to describe how poetry encompasses all things and all emotions. This is what I came up with: a tribute to Neil Gaiman's Endless.
Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
by Zeus Martinez
I am the song of mermaids amidst the raging storm.
I am that thirst that is never quenched.
I am that which goes by the name of avarice.
Look for me in the things of beauty and grace and you shall find me.
And if you pass me by without pause for notice, I will reveal your longing for me.
In due time, you shall see my fair-skinned face.
I am the desolate and the desperate.
I am that fleeting moment of hope that dies in the wind.
I am that 11th hour that never comes.
Look for me in the frowns that adorn the faces of the lost and there I will be.
Wherever you are, I shall walk by and stay.
And maybe wink at you for the irony of it all.
I am the eclectic and the insane—madness in its purest form.
I am that thin line between the genius of virtuosos and the lunacy of fools
I am those pair of eyes you see across the padded room.
Look for me in the imaginary and the colorful sounds.
I will cover you in a blanket of delusion and derangement.
And we shall embrace each other until nightfall.
I am the crumbling pillars under ivory towers.
I am that tsunami silently creeping towards the shore.
I am the sound of the crashes of a million crests and troughs.
Look for me in a dying star a million light years away.
I shall tear down the mountains and devour the land.
For I live and breathe on the sheer force of nature.
I am the unchangeable constant.
I am that gift of predetermined bliss and ruin.
I am that goal you never let go of; the drive that will never falter.
Look for me in the hearts of the proud and determined.
I will give you no other choice except this page that I have for you.
I will show you where to go and how to get there.
I am the haze that fogs your mind.
I am that undefined story; the brush of memory and clairvoyance.
I am that nightmare you feed every night.
Look for me when you close your eyes and drift off to slumber.
For I have wonderful, twisted stories to show and tell.
And they will be our little secret to keep.
I am that last 21 grams.
I am that last hopeful breath flowing out of your body.
I am that split-second flash that rides on the hinges of disaster.
Look for me everywhere and around you.
I am here to stay and stay I will.
Hear me whisper, for I am coming to visit you.
I wrote this with the intent to personify poetry. I wanted to be able to describe how poetry encompasses all things and all emotions. This is what I came up with: a tribute to Neil Gaiman's Endless.
Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Forever Young
Forever Young
I have thought about it and I have yet to decide--would I rather die young or old.
One of the more practical and vain answers (in my opinion) that I have come across is to die young because you wouldn't have to worry about wrinkles or having too few people to attend your funeral. After all, when you've already left your earthly body, hovering over your wake, why would you want only a handful of your closest and dearest to be there with you. I mean, if I passed away, I would want a whole batch to mourn over me. I'd want my whole village to go and pay their respects to me. I would want the entirety of my co-workers to come visit my remains and cry their hearts out because they lost someone dear. Yeah, that would be so gratifying wouldn't it?
But that will not happen. And if given a choice as to whether I would have an entire multitude come to my funeral or just a handful of my friends, I would choose the latter. I was never the one to attract attention to myself. I'd probably keep to myself if we were the only strangers left in an interview room.
Maybe it's just my nonchalant attitude about not caring at all or it might also be my lack of vanity that makes me want to die an old man. Or maybe it's my love of life that spurs me onward to look forward to whatever experiences and learnings I might find during my journey. There is simply so many things to learn in this lifetime that there are people who die in the middle of expeditions to snow-capped mountains. There are people whose last thought is how they could have made this world into a better place by finding out the cure for cancer. There are people who will close their eyes on their way to the next life and realize that they want to stay a bit longer just so they can know a little more about themselves; so they can give a little more. For some people a lifetime simply is not enough.
Others will let go of their earthly life as freely as a gust of wind blows the autumn leaves into a dance. And then there are some who will try with all their might to hold on to what they have here on this earth and say that they wish they had more time to do the things they wanted to do. Try making an artist quit on his masterpiece and you will have barely glimpsed at what I am trying to say.
I will choose to leave this earthly existence as someone who has done his best; someone who tried to fulfill his wishes as well accomplish each and every thing he has set his mind to. I choose to have the knowledge that I have tried to become someone who is an inspiration to others rather than a fleeting and replaceable memory. Yes, I would agree that a thousand and one friends and relatives might pay their respects to you before you go six feet underground; but people easily forget. People tend to just shake their head in disbelief and remark, "It's such a shame." and then lead their own lives afterwards.
Nowadays, we lack a sincere and profound connection with the people whom we are close with. The pleasantries and good times reach only up to a certain level yet they do not transcend the level of ordinary acquaintances. I would honestly have only ten good friends attend my ceremony rather than have five hundred of my Friendsters show up; more than a half grumbling that they want to get it over with the program.
Quality has always won out for me. I would rather have the people whose lives I've touched be present than have a room full of strangers who really don't know who I am as a person. Ultimately, it's not about the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away. When we pass on this life and when we leave someone who will remember who we are and what we have done for them, we will never die. We will be forever young. The sooner we realize that fact, the sooner we can stop getting busy dying so we can start getting busy living.
I have thought about it and I have yet to decide--would I rather die young or old.
One of the more practical and vain answers (in my opinion) that I have come across is to die young because you wouldn't have to worry about wrinkles or having too few people to attend your funeral. After all, when you've already left your earthly body, hovering over your wake, why would you want only a handful of your closest and dearest to be there with you. I mean, if I passed away, I would want a whole batch to mourn over me. I'd want my whole village to go and pay their respects to me. I would want the entirety of my co-workers to come visit my remains and cry their hearts out because they lost someone dear. Yeah, that would be so gratifying wouldn't it?
But that will not happen. And if given a choice as to whether I would have an entire multitude come to my funeral or just a handful of my friends, I would choose the latter. I was never the one to attract attention to myself. I'd probably keep to myself if we were the only strangers left in an interview room.
Maybe it's just my nonchalant attitude about not caring at all or it might also be my lack of vanity that makes me want to die an old man. Or maybe it's my love of life that spurs me onward to look forward to whatever experiences and learnings I might find during my journey. There is simply so many things to learn in this lifetime that there are people who die in the middle of expeditions to snow-capped mountains. There are people whose last thought is how they could have made this world into a better place by finding out the cure for cancer. There are people who will close their eyes on their way to the next life and realize that they want to stay a bit longer just so they can know a little more about themselves; so they can give a little more. For some people a lifetime simply is not enough.
Others will let go of their earthly life as freely as a gust of wind blows the autumn leaves into a dance. And then there are some who will try with all their might to hold on to what they have here on this earth and say that they wish they had more time to do the things they wanted to do. Try making an artist quit on his masterpiece and you will have barely glimpsed at what I am trying to say.
I will choose to leave this earthly existence as someone who has done his best; someone who tried to fulfill his wishes as well accomplish each and every thing he has set his mind to. I choose to have the knowledge that I have tried to become someone who is an inspiration to others rather than a fleeting and replaceable memory. Yes, I would agree that a thousand and one friends and relatives might pay their respects to you before you go six feet underground; but people easily forget. People tend to just shake their head in disbelief and remark, "It's such a shame." and then lead their own lives afterwards.
Nowadays, we lack a sincere and profound connection with the people whom we are close with. The pleasantries and good times reach only up to a certain level yet they do not transcend the level of ordinary acquaintances. I would honestly have only ten good friends attend my ceremony rather than have five hundred of my Friendsters show up; more than a half grumbling that they want to get it over with the program.
Quality has always won out for me. I would rather have the people whose lives I've touched be present than have a room full of strangers who really don't know who I am as a person. Ultimately, it's not about the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away. When we pass on this life and when we leave someone who will remember who we are and what we have done for them, we will never die. We will be forever young. The sooner we realize that fact, the sooner we can stop getting busy dying so we can start getting busy living.
Friday, March 18, 2005
People Change
People Change
People change.
For me, change is the only constant in this universe and the next. All things are changing in their own unique ways. From the newborn babe to the hundred year-old sycamore with its roots firmly planted on the ground.
Like a flower nestled in a clay pot just inches away from the window, we are all reaching for our "sunlight" of sorts. We are all going somewhere.
When I was younger, I was a difficult person to get close to. That's probably because of my innate timid nature and my personality that was leaning more towards introversion. I was never the one person to initiate a conversation nor could I imagine that I would come to be comfortable with people who were loud and rowdy. I was an observer by nature and I actually could say to myself that I would not be able to change. As with all new learnings, you're proven wrong by the time you've made up your mind.
Here I am, a changed person. I can honestly say that I have been exposed to a lot of unique and beautiful personalities within my workplace and I have learned a lot from them. In the setting of where I work, I am able to laugh out loud without having to worry if the people in the next department will find it inappropriate. After all, the inside jokes almost always come from them. Let me paint you a picture:
Our resident Photoshop master, Iggy did this. If you don't know who F4 is, then you're probably not from the Philippines. Before, I would have found this embarassing. Now, it's only funny and it only makes me miss my long hair more. Hehe!
I have now embraced the environment that I am in right now. People change. What else is new?
People change.
For me, change is the only constant in this universe and the next. All things are changing in their own unique ways. From the newborn babe to the hundred year-old sycamore with its roots firmly planted on the ground.
Like a flower nestled in a clay pot just inches away from the window, we are all reaching for our "sunlight" of sorts. We are all going somewhere.
When I was younger, I was a difficult person to get close to. That's probably because of my innate timid nature and my personality that was leaning more towards introversion. I was never the one person to initiate a conversation nor could I imagine that I would come to be comfortable with people who were loud and rowdy. I was an observer by nature and I actually could say to myself that I would not be able to change. As with all new learnings, you're proven wrong by the time you've made up your mind.
Here I am, a changed person. I can honestly say that I have been exposed to a lot of unique and beautiful personalities within my workplace and I have learned a lot from them. In the setting of where I work, I am able to laugh out loud without having to worry if the people in the next department will find it inappropriate. After all, the inside jokes almost always come from them. Let me paint you a picture:
Our resident Photoshop master, Iggy did this. If you don't know who F4 is, then you're probably not from the Philippines. Before, I would have found this embarassing. Now, it's only funny and it only makes me miss my long hair more. Hehe!
I have now embraced the environment that I am in right now. People change. What else is new?
Thursday, March 17, 2005
REPOST: A Necessary Evil
REPOST: A Necessary Evil
Work is a necessary evil.
Yes, you heard me right: it is a necessary evil.
I believe it is so because we cannot seem to depart from it unless we are a king or a prince. But technically, the kings and queens of today still have to work on something else such as attending banquets and whatnot. So that takes care of the necessity of work. What about the evil that it brings? Ah, that is when the principle of relativity comes into play.
For some people, it will dawn upon them that work is something that they have waited for a long time. It represents independence, both financial and emotional. These are the types of people who have the excuse to stay late at night away from home because they have something to finish within the corporate walls of their workplace.
In contrast, there are some people who view work as something that takes away a lot of things from them. It takes away the closeness between two people because they will both have to spend time away from each other and in so doing, they will no doubt meet different personalities. In my experience, work introduces the idea of dishonesty. I have worked two jobs and I have always come up with stories of people with someone else other than their spouse.
Work indirectly destroys relationships. It opens up man to the biggest of temptations and it does so without the slightest knowledge of the people involved. If you try to pry deeper, you'll find a hint of dysfunctionality among your co-workers that wasn't there before they started working. It's a sick feeling, I know but it's the most lucid of truths.
It happens and you know it. That's what's so great about movies. They're inaccurate and accurate at the same time.
How many times have we heard about the man of the house leaving his family just to earn a living in another country only to find his wife having another affair when he returns? The reverse is not foreign to us. Man comes home and brings home a mistress with him. Wife cries. Couple divorces.
It's all too simple yet so blindingly accurate.
And all of this happened because of the sincere and loving desire of the man to provide for his spouse and family. All because of work.
Bullshit.
Call me bitter but maybe the reason I loathe work is because it changed me so much. It turned my life upside down because after it was introduced into my life, it never had any good effect on me. Everything was just the same day in and day out. The same old routine whiling away my time. But even if I look at work like this I am also in its debt because it has taken away my fears and concerns. As I mentioned before, it is a prison and haven of sorts. It simultaneously chains you to a specific set of tasks each and every day and it also gives you legitimate reason not to think of your problems away from it. Like we always hear: "Never bring your family problems to work and leave your work at the office." Sometimes I just feel I have so much to do. It seems that I can't seem to catch my breath. I just need a long break.
Well there you have it. Relativity explained. One person might adore working so much that it almost becomes his or her life and another person loathing it because it has taken so much from him.
I almost can't breathe from the frustration that I feel. And if you should know, I am the latter of the two if you haven't noticed yet. I just hope I find the redeeming factor in all that has happened--something that will tell me, "It's alright, you got me in return." It may be a person or something else. Whatever it is, I will wait.
Work is a necessary evil.
Yes, you heard me right: it is a necessary evil.
I believe it is so because we cannot seem to depart from it unless we are a king or a prince. But technically, the kings and queens of today still have to work on something else such as attending banquets and whatnot. So that takes care of the necessity of work. What about the evil that it brings? Ah, that is when the principle of relativity comes into play.
For some people, it will dawn upon them that work is something that they have waited for a long time. It represents independence, both financial and emotional. These are the types of people who have the excuse to stay late at night away from home because they have something to finish within the corporate walls of their workplace.
In contrast, there are some people who view work as something that takes away a lot of things from them. It takes away the closeness between two people because they will both have to spend time away from each other and in so doing, they will no doubt meet different personalities. In my experience, work introduces the idea of dishonesty. I have worked two jobs and I have always come up with stories of people with someone else other than their spouse.
Work indirectly destroys relationships. It opens up man to the biggest of temptations and it does so without the slightest knowledge of the people involved. If you try to pry deeper, you'll find a hint of dysfunctionality among your co-workers that wasn't there before they started working. It's a sick feeling, I know but it's the most lucid of truths.
It happens and you know it. That's what's so great about movies. They're inaccurate and accurate at the same time.
How many times have we heard about the man of the house leaving his family just to earn a living in another country only to find his wife having another affair when he returns? The reverse is not foreign to us. Man comes home and brings home a mistress with him. Wife cries. Couple divorces.
It's all too simple yet so blindingly accurate.
And all of this happened because of the sincere and loving desire of the man to provide for his spouse and family. All because of work.
Bullshit.
Call me bitter but maybe the reason I loathe work is because it changed me so much. It turned my life upside down because after it was introduced into my life, it never had any good effect on me. Everything was just the same day in and day out. The same old routine whiling away my time. But even if I look at work like this I am also in its debt because it has taken away my fears and concerns. As I mentioned before, it is a prison and haven of sorts. It simultaneously chains you to a specific set of tasks each and every day and it also gives you legitimate reason not to think of your problems away from it. Like we always hear: "Never bring your family problems to work and leave your work at the office." Sometimes I just feel I have so much to do. It seems that I can't seem to catch my breath. I just need a long break.
Well there you have it. Relativity explained. One person might adore working so much that it almost becomes his or her life and another person loathing it because it has taken so much from him.
I almost can't breathe from the frustration that I feel. And if you should know, I am the latter of the two if you haven't noticed yet. I just hope I find the redeeming factor in all that has happened--something that will tell me, "It's alright, you got me in return." It may be a person or something else. Whatever it is, I will wait.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
What Goes Around...
What Goes Around...
It seems that you just won't be able to please everybody in the world. No matter how blatant this truth is, I sometimes forget that people will either love you or hate you. But more often than not, I get disturbed by the haters. I don't hear them screaming at me and calling me names but I do know they are out there. And that silence is just gnawing away at me to the core.
I would like to see myself as a good person but there are times that I stumble; there are times when I slip and say something that others might find off or unnatural. Most of the time, they're the people who really don't know who I am as a person. People already get to judge you without even knowing who you are and why you do or say the things you say and do. In this day and age, I believe that talking behind someone else's back is as natural and normal as hearing the news. Only in this case, sources aren't as reliable and confirmation of the news is done after the reporting. Gossip has become one of society's unchecked pathologies today. And I can't blame anybody for wanting to know what happened with whom and when.
I am a pretty simple guy. Sometimes, I feel I'm too simple for my own sake. I rarely go out because I honestly do enjoy the routine of going to the gym, playing basketball every once in a while and chillin' in the comfort of my room. I rarely drink because my tolerance for alcohol has already waned and I'm already on the verge of being a smoke-free individual for about half a year. When I think about it, nothing is extraordinary about who I am and what I do. I could probably blend in a sea of people and you wouldn't even give me a second look. So when I know that people dislike me, I tend to get exasperated. Here I am, already living under the radar and you still see something negative in me. Sometimes I feel like I have to be more than who I am as a person to be liked and accepted. I mean, what do you exactly do when normal isn't enough?
Can't we all get along? Can't we just understand that people have their reasons? It's a bit frustrating when you see people judge other people just because they slipped for a moment and somehow showed the human side of them. Whatever happens, it would be best to remember that what goes around, comes around. Always have been, always will be.
It seems that you just won't be able to please everybody in the world. No matter how blatant this truth is, I sometimes forget that people will either love you or hate you. But more often than not, I get disturbed by the haters. I don't hear them screaming at me and calling me names but I do know they are out there. And that silence is just gnawing away at me to the core.
I would like to see myself as a good person but there are times that I stumble; there are times when I slip and say something that others might find off or unnatural. Most of the time, they're the people who really don't know who I am as a person. People already get to judge you without even knowing who you are and why you do or say the things you say and do. In this day and age, I believe that talking behind someone else's back is as natural and normal as hearing the news. Only in this case, sources aren't as reliable and confirmation of the news is done after the reporting. Gossip has become one of society's unchecked pathologies today. And I can't blame anybody for wanting to know what happened with whom and when.
I am a pretty simple guy. Sometimes, I feel I'm too simple for my own sake. I rarely go out because I honestly do enjoy the routine of going to the gym, playing basketball every once in a while and chillin' in the comfort of my room. I rarely drink because my tolerance for alcohol has already waned and I'm already on the verge of being a smoke-free individual for about half a year. When I think about it, nothing is extraordinary about who I am and what I do. I could probably blend in a sea of people and you wouldn't even give me a second look. So when I know that people dislike me, I tend to get exasperated. Here I am, already living under the radar and you still see something negative in me. Sometimes I feel like I have to be more than who I am as a person to be liked and accepted. I mean, what do you exactly do when normal isn't enough?
Can't we all get along? Can't we just understand that people have their reasons? It's a bit frustrating when you see people judge other people just because they slipped for a moment and somehow showed the human side of them. Whatever happens, it would be best to remember that what goes around, comes around. Always have been, always will be.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You?
Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You?
You are... WAIT! - you're none of the Sins you're an Angel! Perfect, or close enough, and annoyingly so! Did you always behave so 'just right'. ARGHHH . You can annoy the hell outta people with your attitude, but no doubt your church is real happy with you. The positive side certainly outweighs the negative, after all, you do chores, are smart, are cute, do charity work. Least you know what a perfect saint you are. You just make the rest of us sinners vomit. Perhaps you could break the rules once in a while, go wild - Eat an extra cookie or something. However - congratulations on being the most pure, of the entire human race.
Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are... WAIT! - you're none of the Sins you're an Angel! Perfect, or close enough, and annoyingly so! Did you always behave so 'just right'. ARGHHH . You can annoy the hell outta people with your attitude, but no doubt your church is real happy with you. The positive side certainly outweighs the negative, after all, you do chores, are smart, are cute, do charity work. Least you know what a perfect saint you are. You just make the rest of us sinners vomit. Perhaps you could break the rules once in a while, go wild - Eat an extra cookie or something. However - congratulations on being the most pure, of the entire human race.
Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Thursday, March 03, 2005
For The Love of the Game
For The Love of the Game
It's been a good year so far for me. Nothing spectacular but at the same time, nothing so tragic as to shake me from the firm foundation that I call habit. After three months into 2005, I realize that there are some things that I will never get tired of; there are things that I am not yet ready to give up; there are things that will always seem magical to me.
I have been playing basketball since the third grade. My village neighbor, Pope (yes, as in John Paul II) introduced me to the game. The very first shot I took was on a half court where I learned that I had an affinity for this very simple game. It turned out that it was something that I will not stop doing even into my forties, possibly my fifties if I live long enough.
The game taught me discipline. Having been to basketball clinics that were taught by the PBA coaches and players, I learned that this was a game that came to you either through sheer talent or through force of will. You either worked hard to become great or you just have that gift. It taught me the lesson of hard work as being one of the great equalizers. It was a game that I could relate my life to.
Whenever I remember The Greatest Player That Ever Played The Game say, "Basketball is like my psychiatrist. If you take that away from me. I wouldn't know what to do.", I didn't really understand what it meant until recently.
When I play out on the court with my friends, I am a different person. I am talkative and competitive at the same time. I am fun and funny all in the same hardcourt and I am serious and jovial during brief passing moments. I am all of these when I dribble the basketball and start playing.
The game of basketball is one of the joys in my life that I am thankful for. Without it, I wouldn't know what to do.
It's been a good year so far for me. Nothing spectacular but at the same time, nothing so tragic as to shake me from the firm foundation that I call habit. After three months into 2005, I realize that there are some things that I will never get tired of; there are things that I am not yet ready to give up; there are things that will always seem magical to me.
I have been playing basketball since the third grade. My village neighbor, Pope (yes, as in John Paul II) introduced me to the game. The very first shot I took was on a half court where I learned that I had an affinity for this very simple game. It turned out that it was something that I will not stop doing even into my forties, possibly my fifties if I live long enough.
The game taught me discipline. Having been to basketball clinics that were taught by the PBA coaches and players, I learned that this was a game that came to you either through sheer talent or through force of will. You either worked hard to become great or you just have that gift. It taught me the lesson of hard work as being one of the great equalizers. It was a game that I could relate my life to.
Whenever I remember The Greatest Player That Ever Played The Game say, "Basketball is like my psychiatrist. If you take that away from me. I wouldn't know what to do.", I didn't really understand what it meant until recently.
When I play out on the court with my friends, I am a different person. I am talkative and competitive at the same time. I am fun and funny all in the same hardcourt and I am serious and jovial during brief passing moments. I am all of these when I dribble the basketball and start playing.
The game of basketball is one of the joys in my life that I am thankful for. Without it, I wouldn't know what to do.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Looking Forward
Looking Forward
I spent Valentine's Day in the office. Lunch break was spent at a gym, burning away my energy as well as getting away from it all. Everything else was like any ordinary day. After three years of spending Valentine's Day with someone, I am back once again to a solitary celebration. Of course in my thoughts, I wished that she, whoever she may be, could introduce herself to me and say that she would stay just for the night.
I am absolutely oblivious as to who she is and whether I have already met her or not. All I know is that this is just another one of those Valentines that I am without her. So I wrote a letter for her that when we both find each other, I may be able to tell her what I was thinking on this particular Valentine's Day.
Dearest,
This is a letter I hope you find. But even more so, I hope I find you so that I may look in the eyes of the person I've waited for my whole life.
It has been a long time indeed. I have waited for you to come and bring solace to my tired and confused heart. To be honest, I thought about giving up on you; I thought of giving up the notion of "someone for me".
But the thought of "happily ever after" was just too wonderful to miss out on.
I want us to live in our own fairy tale complete with the petty fights that each and every couple goes through. But even more so, I want to make up with you and look you straight in the eye and sincerely say that I'm sorry.
I want to be able to wake you up with breakfast in bed and see the sunlight through our room and be able to smile and know that dinner is only a few hours away.
I want to tell you that you look beautiful all the time because I know that is what you need. But I also want to tell you that anything else will not matter because whatever happens, you are beautiful in my eyes. I want to tell you myself that your beauty will never fade because my love never will.
I want to help you and push you towards your goals and aspirations because I know those things are as important to you as anything else. I want you to become who you strive to be because I know that in this life, we only get one chance to become the person we want to be.
I want us to share long walks while eating ice cream and holding each other's hands in the waning sunset. Even better, I want to do this at the beach with waves lapping at our feet. And when the moon comes up, I want us to talk under the stars until we both fall asleep in each other's arms.
I want us to wake up beside each other everyday of our lives until we see how silly each of us looks when our graying hair is all messed up.
I want these with you. And now that I have found you, I know we can now start forever.
Happy Valentine's,
Zeus
I spent Valentine's Day in the office. Lunch break was spent at a gym, burning away my energy as well as getting away from it all. Everything else was like any ordinary day. After three years of spending Valentine's Day with someone, I am back once again to a solitary celebration. Of course in my thoughts, I wished that she, whoever she may be, could introduce herself to me and say that she would stay just for the night.
I am absolutely oblivious as to who she is and whether I have already met her or not. All I know is that this is just another one of those Valentines that I am without her. So I wrote a letter for her that when we both find each other, I may be able to tell her what I was thinking on this particular Valentine's Day.
Dearest,
This is a letter I hope you find. But even more so, I hope I find you so that I may look in the eyes of the person I've waited for my whole life.
It has been a long time indeed. I have waited for you to come and bring solace to my tired and confused heart. To be honest, I thought about giving up on you; I thought of giving up the notion of "someone for me".
But the thought of "happily ever after" was just too wonderful to miss out on.
I want us to live in our own fairy tale complete with the petty fights that each and every couple goes through. But even more so, I want to make up with you and look you straight in the eye and sincerely say that I'm sorry.
I want to be able to wake you up with breakfast in bed and see the sunlight through our room and be able to smile and know that dinner is only a few hours away.
I want to tell you that you look beautiful all the time because I know that is what you need. But I also want to tell you that anything else will not matter because whatever happens, you are beautiful in my eyes. I want to tell you myself that your beauty will never fade because my love never will.
I want to help you and push you towards your goals and aspirations because I know those things are as important to you as anything else. I want you to become who you strive to be because I know that in this life, we only get one chance to become the person we want to be.
I want us to share long walks while eating ice cream and holding each other's hands in the waning sunset. Even better, I want to do this at the beach with waves lapping at our feet. And when the moon comes up, I want us to talk under the stars until we both fall asleep in each other's arms.
I want us to wake up beside each other everyday of our lives until we see how silly each of us looks when our graying hair is all messed up.
I want these with you. And now that I have found you, I know we can now start forever.
Happy Valentine's,
Zeus
Monday, February 07, 2005
Musings of A Broken Heart
Musings of A Broken Heart
In this day, having our age, one would shudder to think what would happen if he or she didn't find a significant other to light that proverbial fire that provides indescribable inspiration one is so devoid of.
In this day, having our age, it would be such a frightening thought to grow old without having a partner you truly love and cherish.
In this day, being as old as I am, I catch myself almost everyday longing for a past love that was over before I even knew it was. You think to yourself that these events happen only in television but once the truth bites, it sinks its cold teeth into your reality and rips the fabric of your once comfortable world.
Nowadays, I find it extremely hard not to think about how and why I failed. I find myself going back to thoughts of a hundred yesterdays when life was good and when I had it easy. Not a day goes by that I don't regret saying a thousand and one hurtful words; not a minute paseses without me feeling the pangs of solitude. I let out a sigh because that is all that I can do. Try as I might, the past is already done and there are no real second chances in the world of men. In my world beset by jealousy, fear, anger, apathy and denial there are no good people.
There is only the passing of time and scarring of the heart. How I wish that both pass me by sooner. It is not something that I won't be able to bear but it is akin to a leech that sucks me dry of all that is good and joyous.
One of these days, I will meet another who will accept me despite the darkness of my soul.
One of these days, I will meet another who does not care about what happened in my past.
I just hope that I muster enough courage to open my tired and broken heart again. Until then, I numb myself from the pain and hope that nothing can ever revive this hurt again.
In this day, having our age, one would shudder to think what would happen if he or she didn't find a significant other to light that proverbial fire that provides indescribable inspiration one is so devoid of.
In this day, having our age, it would be such a frightening thought to grow old without having a partner you truly love and cherish.
In this day, being as old as I am, I catch myself almost everyday longing for a past love that was over before I even knew it was. You think to yourself that these events happen only in television but once the truth bites, it sinks its cold teeth into your reality and rips the fabric of your once comfortable world.
Nowadays, I find it extremely hard not to think about how and why I failed. I find myself going back to thoughts of a hundred yesterdays when life was good and when I had it easy. Not a day goes by that I don't regret saying a thousand and one hurtful words; not a minute paseses without me feeling the pangs of solitude. I let out a sigh because that is all that I can do. Try as I might, the past is already done and there are no real second chances in the world of men. In my world beset by jealousy, fear, anger, apathy and denial there are no good people.
There is only the passing of time and scarring of the heart. How I wish that both pass me by sooner. It is not something that I won't be able to bear but it is akin to a leech that sucks me dry of all that is good and joyous.
One of these days, I will meet another who will accept me despite the darkness of my soul.
One of these days, I will meet another who does not care about what happened in my past.
I just hope that I muster enough courage to open my tired and broken heart again. Until then, I numb myself from the pain and hope that nothing can ever revive this hurt again.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
To The Limit
To The Limit
I just want to share something amusing that happened to me last night. I was able to gather around 11 of my batchmates in UA&P for a game of pick-up basketball. I do have to say that it was really fun seeing familiar faces.
So anyway, I played around two straight games that spanned over one and a half hours.
It just so happened that when I tried to play a third game, my calf gave in on me. I experienced one of the worst cramps ever. I knew because when I asked for people to push my leg in the opposite direction to counter the muscle contraction, I couldn't help but lie instead of just sitting down.
I remember each and every muscle cramp that I've had in my calf. And this was the worst. I could literally see the calf muscle contract by itself. It was amusing to me because in a weird, way I found the involuntary movement of my calf muscles something I've never had before. In addition to that, I knew that I had pushed myself to the limit. This would be one of the very few times that I had done that.
That muscle cramp hurt like hell and now I'm walking with a limp but I wish I could do it again.
I just want to share something amusing that happened to me last night. I was able to gather around 11 of my batchmates in UA&P for a game of pick-up basketball. I do have to say that it was really fun seeing familiar faces.
So anyway, I played around two straight games that spanned over one and a half hours.
It just so happened that when I tried to play a third game, my calf gave in on me. I experienced one of the worst cramps ever. I knew because when I asked for people to push my leg in the opposite direction to counter the muscle contraction, I couldn't help but lie instead of just sitting down.
I remember each and every muscle cramp that I've had in my calf. And this was the worst. I could literally see the calf muscle contract by itself. It was amusing to me because in a weird, way I found the involuntary movement of my calf muscles something I've never had before. In addition to that, I knew that I had pushed myself to the limit. This would be one of the very few times that I had done that.
That muscle cramp hurt like hell and now I'm walking with a limp but I wish I could do it again.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Wading in the Waters of My Mind
Wading in the Waters of My Mind
As I sit down in front of my computer trying to make out my subconscious thoughts, I can't help but notice the blank canvas that is my mind. After all the countless ideas going through my mind on a daily basis, I am left dumbfounded.
It is the most frustrating of feelings, to be helpless. Even though it is normally called a writer's block, I still feel as if my hands are tied behind my back. I still feel that anvil pushing down on my back, bringing me to my knees.
Sometimes, I manage to force a smile out of the hardships that I face. It is the only comfort that I have--my ability to at least see a glimmer of hope behind the darkest of days; to see the silver lining behind the flock of storm clouds.
It is through sheer will and inspiration that I am able to live my day one minute at a time without faltering, without entertaining the invites of a despair of the grandest kind.
And for that I am thankful. So much for writer's block.
As I sit down in front of my computer trying to make out my subconscious thoughts, I can't help but notice the blank canvas that is my mind. After all the countless ideas going through my mind on a daily basis, I am left dumbfounded.
It is the most frustrating of feelings, to be helpless. Even though it is normally called a writer's block, I still feel as if my hands are tied behind my back. I still feel that anvil pushing down on my back, bringing me to my knees.
Sometimes, I manage to force a smile out of the hardships that I face. It is the only comfort that I have--my ability to at least see a glimmer of hope behind the darkest of days; to see the silver lining behind the flock of storm clouds.
It is through sheer will and inspiration that I am able to live my day one minute at a time without faltering, without entertaining the invites of a despair of the grandest kind.
And for that I am thankful. So much for writer's block.
Friday, January 28, 2005
Surreal
Surreal
I have been thinking about this dream for two straight days already. And no matter how much I try to ignore it, it just won't allow me to forget it.
To say that it was weird is an understatement. Anyway, here it goes.
I dreamt that I was in a classroom with my highschool batchmates. We were going to have an exam and as the papers were passed around, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes closed. I was falling asleep as the exam was going to start. Then, at the last page I saw the initials of the first names of all the people in the room, each followed by a blank space where I could write. The object of that section was for me to input the names of all of the people in the room. Since these were my batchmates, I naturally assumed I would get everything correctly. Then something weird happened.
I dozed off. I actually slept in my dream. And I knew that because the next thing that was happening was the teacher was giving us our last 5 minutes to finish our tests. I then hurriedly answered all of the blank spaces. Since I did not have any blanks unanswered, I sincerely thought I did well in that test.
The scene shifted to my teacher giving back the graded test papers and you know what I got?
A measly 2% out of a 100.
Whatever that means, I have no idea. But it's probably telling me I definitely need to improve on something very specific. Anybody who has any clues, I'm dying to hear from you.
I have been thinking about this dream for two straight days already. And no matter how much I try to ignore it, it just won't allow me to forget it.
To say that it was weird is an understatement. Anyway, here it goes.
I dreamt that I was in a classroom with my highschool batchmates. We were going to have an exam and as the papers were passed around, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes closed. I was falling asleep as the exam was going to start. Then, at the last page I saw the initials of the first names of all the people in the room, each followed by a blank space where I could write. The object of that section was for me to input the names of all of the people in the room. Since these were my batchmates, I naturally assumed I would get everything correctly. Then something weird happened.
I dozed off. I actually slept in my dream. And I knew that because the next thing that was happening was the teacher was giving us our last 5 minutes to finish our tests. I then hurriedly answered all of the blank spaces. Since I did not have any blanks unanswered, I sincerely thought I did well in that test.
The scene shifted to my teacher giving back the graded test papers and you know what I got?
A measly 2% out of a 100.
Whatever that means, I have no idea. But it's probably telling me I definitely need to improve on something very specific. Anybody who has any clues, I'm dying to hear from you.
