People Change

People Change

People change.

For me, change is the only constant in this universe and the next. All things are changing in their own unique ways. From the newborn babe to the hundred year-old sycamore with its roots firmly planted on the ground.

Like a flower nestled in a clay pot just inches away from the window, we are all reaching for our "sunlight" of sorts. We are all going somewhere.

When I was younger, I was a difficult person to get close to. That's probably because of my innate timid nature and my personality that was leaning more towards introversion. I was never the one person to initiate a conversation nor could I imagine that I would come to be comfortable with people who were loud and rowdy. I was an observer by nature and I actually could say to myself that I would not be able to change. As with all new learnings, you're proven wrong by the time you've made up your mind.

Here I am, a changed person. I can honestly say that I have been exposed to a lot of unique and beautiful personalities within my workplace and I have learned a lot from them. In the setting of where I work, I am able to laugh out loud without having to worry if the people in the next department will find it inappropriate. After all, the inside jokes almost always come from them. Let me paint you a picture:



Our resident Photoshop master, Iggy did this. If you don't know who F4 is, then you're probably not from the Philippines. Before, I would have found this embarassing. Now, it's only funny and it only makes me miss my long hair more. Hehe!

I have now embraced the environment that I am in right now. People change. What else is new?

REPOST: A Necessary Evil

REPOST: A Necessary Evil

Work is a necessary evil.

Yes, you heard me right: it is a necessary evil.

I believe it is so because we cannot seem to depart from it unless we are a king or a prince. But technically, the kings and queens of today still have to work on something else such as attending banquets and whatnot. So that takes care of the necessity of work. What about the evil that it brings? Ah, that is when the principle of relativity comes into play.

For some people, it will dawn upon them that work is something that they have waited for a long time. It represents independence, both financial and emotional. These are the types of people who have the excuse to stay late at night away from home because they have something to finish within the corporate walls of their workplace.

In contrast, there are some people who view work as something that takes away a lot of things from them. It takes away the closeness between two people because they will both have to spend time away from each other and in so doing, they will no doubt meet different personalities. In my experience, work introduces the idea of dishonesty. I have worked two jobs and I have always come up with stories of people with someone else other than their spouse.

Work indirectly destroys relationships. It opens up man to the biggest of temptations and it does so without the slightest knowledge of the people involved. If you try to pry deeper, you'll find a hint of dysfunctionality among your co-workers that wasn't there before they started working. It's a sick feeling, I know but it's the most lucid of truths.

It happens and you know it. That's what's so great about movies. They're inaccurate and accurate at the same time.

How many times have we heard about the man of the house leaving his family just to earn a living in another country only to find his wife having another affair when he returns? The reverse is not foreign to us. Man comes home and brings home a mistress with him. Wife cries. Couple divorces.

It's all too simple yet so blindingly accurate.

And all of this happened because of the sincere and loving desire of the man to provide for his spouse and family. All because of work.

Bullshit.

Call me bitter but maybe the reason I loathe work is because it changed me so much. It turned my life upside down because after it was introduced into my life, it never had any good effect on me. Everything was just the same day in and day out. The same old routine whiling away my time. But even if I look at work like this I am also in its debt because it has taken away my fears and concerns. As I mentioned before, it is a prison and haven of sorts. It simultaneously chains you to a specific set of tasks each and every day and it also gives you legitimate reason not to think of your problems away from it. Like we always hear: "Never bring your family problems to work and leave your work at the office." Sometimes I just feel I have so much to do. It seems that I can't seem to catch my breath. I just need a long break.

Well there you have it. Relativity explained. One person might adore working so much that it almost becomes his or her life and another person loathing it because it has taken so much from him.

I almost can't breathe from the frustration that I feel. And if you should know, I am the latter of the two if you haven't noticed yet. I just hope I find the redeeming factor in all that has happened--something that will tell me, "It's alright, you got me in return." It may be a person or something else. Whatever it is, I will wait.

What Goes Around...

What Goes Around...

It seems that you just won't be able to please everybody in the world. No matter how blatant this truth is, I sometimes forget that people will either love you or hate you. But more often than not, I get disturbed by the haters. I don't hear them screaming at me and calling me names but I do know they are out there. And that silence is just gnawing away at me to the core.

I would like to see myself as a good person but there are times that I stumble; there are times when I slip and say something that others might find off or unnatural. Most of the time, they're the people who really don't know who I am as a person. People already get to judge you without even knowing who you are and why you do or say the things you say and do. In this day and age, I believe that talking behind someone else's back is as natural and normal as hearing the news. Only in this case, sources aren't as reliable and confirmation of the news is done after the reporting. Gossip has become one of society's unchecked pathologies today. And I can't blame anybody for wanting to know what happened with whom and when.

I am a pretty simple guy. Sometimes, I feel I'm too simple for my own sake. I rarely go out because I honestly do enjoy the routine of going to the gym, playing basketball every once in a while and chillin' in the comfort of my room. I rarely drink because my tolerance for alcohol has already waned and I'm already on the verge of being a smoke-free individual for about half a year. When I think about it, nothing is extraordinary about who I am and what I do. I could probably blend in a sea of people and you wouldn't even give me a second look. So when I know that people dislike me, I tend to get exasperated. Here I am, already living under the radar and you still see something negative in me. Sometimes I feel like I have to be more than who I am as a person to be liked and accepted. I mean, what do you exactly do when normal isn't enough?

Can't we all get along? Can't we just understand that people have their reasons? It's a bit frustrating when you see people judge other people just because they slipped for a moment and somehow showed the human side of them. Whatever happens, it would be best to remember that what goes around, comes around. Always have been, always will be.

Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You?

Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You?


You are... WAIT! - you're none of the Sins you're an Angel! Perfect, or close enough, and annoyingly so! Did you always behave so 'just right'. ARGHHH . You can annoy the hell outta people with your attitude, but no doubt your church is real happy with you. The positive side certainly outweighs the negative, after all, you do chores, are smart, are cute, do charity work. Least you know what a perfect saint you are. You just make the rest of us sinners vomit. Perhaps you could break the rules once in a while, go wild - Eat an extra cookie or something. However - congratulations on being the most pure, of the entire human race.

Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You?
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For The Love of the Game

For The Love of the Game

It's been a good year so far for me. Nothing spectacular but at the same time, nothing so tragic as to shake me from the firm foundation that I call habit. After three months into 2005, I realize that there are some things that I will never get tired of; there are things that I am not yet ready to give up; there are things that will always seem magical to me.

I have been playing basketball since the third grade. My village neighbor, Pope (yes, as in John Paul II) introduced me to the game. The very first shot I took was on a half court where I learned that I had an affinity for this very simple game. It turned out that it was something that I will not stop doing even into my forties, possibly my fifties if I live long enough.

The game taught me discipline. Having been to basketball clinics that were taught by the PBA coaches and players, I learned that this was a game that came to you either through sheer talent or through force of will. You either worked hard to become great or you just have that gift. It taught me the lesson of hard work as being one of the great equalizers. It was a game that I could relate my life to.

Whenever I remember The Greatest Player That Ever Played The Game say, "Basketball is like my psychiatrist. If you take that away from me. I wouldn't know what to do.", I didn't really understand what it meant until recently.

When I play out on the court with my friends, I am a different person. I am talkative and competitive at the same time. I am fun and funny all in the same hardcourt and I am serious and jovial during brief passing moments. I am all of these when I dribble the basketball and start playing.




The game of basketball is one of the joys in my life that I am thankful for. Without it, I wouldn't know what to do.

Looking Forward

Looking Forward

I spent Valentine's Day in the office. Lunch break was spent at a gym, burning away my energy as well as getting away from it all. Everything else was like any ordinary day. After three years of spending Valentine's Day with someone, I am back once again to a solitary celebration. Of course in my thoughts, I wished that she, whoever she may be, could introduce herself to me and say that she would stay just for the night.

I am absolutely oblivious as to who she is and whether I have already met her or not. All I know is that this is just another one of those Valentines that I am without her. So I wrote a letter for her that when we both find each other, I may be able to tell her what I was thinking on this particular Valentine's Day.

Dearest,

This is a letter I hope you find. But even more so, I hope I find you so that I may look in the eyes of the person I've waited for my whole life.

It has been a long time indeed. I have waited for you to come and bring solace to my tired and confused heart. To be honest, I thought about giving up on you; I thought of giving up the notion of "someone for me".

But the thought of "happily ever after" was just too wonderful to miss out on.

I want us to live in our own fairy tale complete with the petty fights that each and every couple goes through. But even more so, I want to make up with you and look you straight in the eye and sincerely say that I'm sorry.

I want to be able to wake you up with breakfast in bed and see the sunlight through our room and be able to smile and know that dinner is only a few hours away.

I want to tell you that you look beautiful all the time because I know that is what you need. But I also want to tell you that anything else will not matter because whatever happens, you are beautiful in my eyes. I want to tell you myself that your beauty will never fade because my love never will.

I want to help you and push you towards your goals and aspirations because I know those things are as important to you as anything else. I want you to become who you strive to be because I know that in this life, we only get one chance to become the person we want to be.

I want us to share long walks while eating ice cream and holding each other's hands in the waning sunset. Even better, I want to do this at the beach with waves lapping at our feet. And when the moon comes up, I want us to talk under the stars until we both fall asleep in each other's arms.

I want us to wake up beside each other everyday of our lives until we see how silly each of us looks when our graying hair is all messed up.

I want these with you. And now that I have found you, I know we can now start forever.

Happy Valentine's,
Zeus

Musings of A Broken Heart

Musings of A Broken Heart

In this day, having our age, one would shudder to think what would happen if he or she didn't find a significant other to light that proverbial fire that provides indescribable inspiration one is so devoid of.

In this day, having our age, it would be such a frightening thought to grow old without having a partner you truly love and cherish.

In this day, being as old as I am, I catch myself almost everyday longing for a past love that was over before I even knew it was. You think to yourself that these events happen only in television but once the truth bites, it sinks its cold teeth into your reality and rips the fabric of your once comfortable world.

Nowadays, I find it extremely hard not to think about how and why I failed. I find myself going back to thoughts of a hundred yesterdays when life was good and when I had it easy. Not a day goes by that I don't regret saying a thousand and one hurtful words; not a minute paseses without me feeling the pangs of solitude. I let out a sigh because that is all that I can do. Try as I might, the past is already done and there are no real second chances in the world of men. In my world beset by jealousy, fear, anger, apathy and denial there are no good people.

There is only the passing of time and scarring of the heart. How I wish that both pass me by sooner. It is not something that I won't be able to bear but it is akin to a leech that sucks me dry of all that is good and joyous.

One of these days, I will meet another who will accept me despite the darkness of my soul.

One of these days, I will meet another who does not care about what happened in my past.

I just hope that I muster enough courage to open my tired and broken heart again. Until then, I numb myself from the pain and hope that nothing can ever revive this hurt again.

To The Limit

To The Limit

I just want to share something amusing that happened to me last night. I was able to gather around 11 of my batchmates in UA&P for a game of pick-up basketball. I do have to say that it was really fun seeing familiar faces.

So anyway, I played around two straight games that spanned over one and a half hours.

It just so happened that when I tried to play a third game, my calf gave in on me. I experienced one of the worst cramps ever. I knew because when I asked for people to push my leg in the opposite direction to counter the muscle contraction, I couldn't help but lie instead of just sitting down.

I remember each and every muscle cramp that I've had in my calf. And this was the worst. I could literally see the calf muscle contract by itself. It was amusing to me because in a weird, way I found the involuntary movement of my calf muscles something I've never had before. In addition to that, I knew that I had pushed myself to the limit. This would be one of the very few times that I had done that.

That muscle cramp hurt like hell and now I'm walking with a limp but I wish I could do it again.

Wading in the Waters of My Mind

Wading in the Waters of My Mind

As I sit down in front of my computer trying to make out my subconscious thoughts, I can't help but notice the blank canvas that is my mind. After all the countless ideas going through my mind on a daily basis, I am left dumbfounded.

It is the most frustrating of feelings, to be helpless. Even though it is normally called a writer's block, I still feel as if my hands are tied behind my back. I still feel that anvil pushing down on my back, bringing me to my knees.

Sometimes, I manage to force a smile out of the hardships that I face. It is the only comfort that I have--my ability to at least see a glimmer of hope behind the darkest of days; to see the silver lining behind the flock of storm clouds.

It is through sheer will and inspiration that I am able to live my day one minute at a time without faltering, without entertaining the invites of a despair of the grandest kind.

And for that I am thankful. So much for writer's block.

Surreal

Surreal

I have been thinking about this dream for two straight days already. And no matter how much I try to ignore it, it just won't allow me to forget it.

To say that it was weird is an understatement. Anyway, here it goes.

I dreamt that I was in a classroom with my highschool batchmates. We were going to have an exam and as the papers were passed around, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes closed. I was falling asleep as the exam was going to start. Then, at the last page I saw the initials of the first names of all the people in the room, each followed by a blank space where I could write. The object of that section was for me to input the names of all of the people in the room. Since these were my batchmates, I naturally assumed I would get everything correctly. Then something weird happened.

I dozed off. I actually slept in my dream. And I knew that because the next thing that was happening was the teacher was giving us our last 5 minutes to finish our tests. I then hurriedly answered all of the blank spaces. Since I did not have any blanks unanswered, I sincerely thought I did well in that test.

The scene shifted to my teacher giving back the graded test papers and you know what I got?

A measly 2% out of a 100.

Whatever that means, I have no idea. But it's probably telling me I definitely need to improve on something very specific. Anybody who has any clues, I'm dying to hear from you.

The Enduring Constant That Is Change

The Enduring Constant That Is Change

On Learning to Do Better
by Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a hole.
I don't see it.
I fall in.
It isn't my fault.
It takes a very long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is still a deep hole.
I pretend not to see it.
I fall in.
I pretend it's still not my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is still the same deep hole.
I see it.
I fall in anyway.
It's a habit.
I get out quicker this time.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole.
I see it.
I walk around it.
I don't fall in.

I walk down a different street.


I can't help but marvel at the profoundness of the text above. We may not be aware of it right now but we have this one unique hangup, this one idiosyncrasy which we know is delaying us from getting to point A to point B. For some of us, it literally takes some of us years before we realize that change is needed in order for us to stop "falling into that deep hole". For the majority of us, we probably know what we need to change but we're just too afraid of it.

And to be honest, there is so much to be fearful about. The unknown has always been the subject of man's fear since time immemorial. Even though the only constant thing in this world is change itself, we still manage to carve out a routine for ourselves. It's amazing, actually. But unless we decide to walk a different street we will always be the same person.

We can't solve a problem if we remain the same person we are. We have to change our views, change our outlook on life and accept our mistakes for what they really are--things we need to change.

Clarity

Clarity

I met up with a long lost friend today. His name is Rally and he went to the United States to study and make a life and a name for himself. He said he was gone for 20 months but it seemed longer than that. We were into our catching-up-on-lost-time conversation when he casually asked a question:

"So, anong plano mo ngayon?"
I was tongue-tied.

I honestly didn't know what to say.

After hearing his stories of being in the army and having his own money to pay for the rent of their family's place and him being able to get his own car, I just wasn't able to provide an answer.

I honestly didn't know what to do. I realized that I am nowhere near the idea of settling down because with my current salary and the standing economic drought my country is in, it is absolutely out of the question that I get my own place and buy my own car.

His tale was one of independence and all I could speak of was the tragedy of "financial imprisonment" if you could call it that. Call it a lack of options but I would like to be realistic in seeing it as the unavailability of them.

Amidst the sudden realization that my situation in this country will not get any better one thought entered my mind: I had to put my trust in God. "Ipaubaya nalang natin sa Diyos." as we Filipinos would like to say. And it's true. In some ways I am more blessed than others. And for that, I am already grateful.

I don't need to have my own car because my legs are strong enough for walking. I have my health and I am grateful. As in any argument, the cynical point of view can always be countered with the faith of an optimist.

Some may call it sour-graping but no matter what people say, the proverbial glass will always be half-empty in my eyes.

Enfeeblement

Enfeeblement

I am soooo tired right now. I just don't know where I'm getting tired at. As in I am really, physically tired. I've been sleeping more than the normal 8 hours of sleep but I still am so physically drained after work. Maybe it's just the annual meeting that's coming up in 3 days but I still am at a loss for words. I really honestly don't know why I am so tired.

I want to go to New Zealand.

I want to be a farmer there and have my own green expanse where I can sheperd my own flock of sheep. And then when I happen upon another sheperd who's looking for his lost flock I can go like Eomer in The Two Towers and say:

"Look for your sheep, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands.
Tee hee! =)

Damn, am I tired. I'm rarely this incoherent.

But I really want to go to New Zealand.



Middle Earth on Earth

The Lessons of 2004

The Lessons of 2004

1. Listening to your body always pays off.

March 15th of last year I fought off the temptation to continue my work as a call center agent because I was experiencing massive migraine attacks almost twice a week. Sooner or later I learned to work through the pain but I knew I wanted out. It's nothing personal. I would have stayed for the wonderful people and great supervisors that I had. Bottom line: my body said "No" and I couldn't disagree.

2. True friends never forget.

I recently got reacquainted with my bestfriend in high school. Carlo was one of those people who never counted favors. He even relished having company (maybe because he's an only child) because 8 years ago, I would sleepover his house and then wake up to play half court basketball games until the sun burned our skin. The more things change, the more they stay the same---only this time, we play under a roof.

3. Boracay is tha shit!

You hear everybody talking about this fabled summer spot and wonder, "What is with Boracay that makes people profess about it so much?" To make the long story short let me torture another cliché by saying "You gotta see it to believe it." A little caveat though, better be in your best and buffest shape 'coz it's not a good feeling being insecure while walking along Station 1.

4. Leaving your comfort zone is such a rush.

I joined a magic club this year and I was in for the surprise of my life. I met one of the nicest celebrities in Rannie Raymundo. Yeah I know he's already passé but he is one hell of a magician. And he's really accomodating too.

5. I am an affected person.

Ha! If anybody wants to know something important about me, it's this. I would have to be one of the most affected people in the planet. I essentially wear my emotions on my sleeve and when I mean that, boy do I mean wear it on my sleeve. I tend to get sentimental over the most trivial of things and I realized that a lot of people aren't as sensitive as I am. As I always said: my sensitivity is my greatest strength as well as my most glaring weakness.

6. Every new day brings another chance for you to become better.

This is very true. Each time I fail in something, I consequently learn NOT TO FAIL. I relish the moments that I take to make myself a better person. As of this moment I've already tallied 104 straight smoke-free days. Next up, getting in shape.

7. Faith and hope are powerful.

I waited for months for someone to offer me a job. I was bordering on depression and self-pity but when I did finally land one, I was overjoyed. I remember waking up after a night of continuous rain and seeing the sunlight peek through the trees in our backyard just for the briefest of moments. And I knew everything was going to be alright. An hour later, I got the call.

8. Connections get you somewhere.

My current supervisor and college batchmate, Maan, was the one who called. =)

9. Singers and celebrities are just ordinary people.

I saw Kitchie Nadal perform live before she went to the office to participate in one of our chat events. She was just one of us. She was pretty but she had a humble smile that said, "I'm just one of you guys." She never really exuded any prideful aura. You just can't help but realize that celebrities are just ordinary people going through the same number of hours in a day as you do, breathing the same air, having the same capacity for pain. I have yet to meet someone larger than life.

10. I know my breaking point.

I've gone through a lot of tests over the course of last year and some of them I believe I've failed. I've given up on some people and I've done so because I knew I couldn't take the neglect and the hurt anymore. I know my breaking point and that means that I did give it my best. The thing that gets me is that I already know what my breaking point is. I just honestly wish I didn't have one.

11. I am still confused about what I want in life.

Time and time again, I get sucked in to discussions of what my passion in life is. Then I try to picture myself becoming that person here in the Philippines and then I squirm at the idea that I have to live a life that is not going to be "practical" in Filipino terms. I could become an artist or a poet or a psychologist but it will not bear any solid ground in our economy in its current state. So now, I will be just an "account manager". I guess I just have to become everything at once. But I won't be surprised if I change my mind in a year's time.

12. When you move away from something, you consequently move towards something else.

Being single has taught me the value of seeing what you've left behind. There are so many people that I've forgotten about. Don't get me wrong--being in a relationship was awesome but at the same time, I couldn't get in touch with who I really was because of the countless fights and recurring issues. It required a lot of hard work to keep my last relationship alive but it was worth it. I just know now that this is sort of a tug of war. The farther you are from someone, the closer you become to the ones you've lost touch with.

13. Discretion is my newfound weakness.

Sometimes I just say whatever's on my mind. This is especially true for me when I talk about the "L" word. I sometimes get so confounded by it that I just lose my senses. I believe it's the artist in me crying out for the inspiration that has just befelled me. I guess I just have to keep it to myself and be a little more logical when being overrun by my passions and emotions.

14. I oftentimes leap before I look.

I've hurt a lot of people very much because of my tactlessness. I believe this is something that I need to change when I enter into another relationship again in the next decade or so. =)

15. I can get better at something if I work hard at it.

I saw myself improve as a basketball player and a magician over the course of the year. I just know that I can do anything as long as I just put in the work. Six-pack abs, here I come!

16. We are all better at something than some people are.

We can't help but compare ourselves to the next guy who makes the girls swoon over her or maybe for the women, the more "voluptuous" ones get annoyed when a model-like figure passes by. The point is, we shouldn't compare ourselves because someone, somewhere out there is working harder than us, more good-looking than us, more eloquent than us, or maybe more well-off than us. We all have our own talents and gifts. I hope we all learn to cherish what is already ours and want what we already have.

17. Sleep is a luxury.

This cannot be overemphasized. I just wish I was a kid again who had the schedule of two morning classes followed by 20 minutes of recess then two classes again before lunch. Nowadays it's so hard to keep the energy level up, we have to resort to Extra Joss and coffee to keep us awake.

18. I am still a kid at heart.

10 years ago, I started to play a hobby and I still play it up to now. I will soon be joining my first tournament this year for Magic: The Gathering. I know It's a card game...so sue me.

19. Your God-given talent should not be forgotten.

I once drew and sketched as well as wrote poetry of the grandest kinds. This year, I hope to rekindle the talent that God has given me.

20. Investing in your health is a good thing.

I will be working out starting this coming February. I just hope I am able to push myself harder each day. I just hope that I am able to finally quit smoking. That would be something to look forward to. 104 days and counting!

21. It is never too late.

I just hate the excuse that it's too late to change. I know that some people just use this to escape a lot of things and I might be using this particular excuse to run away from some of my problems but I just know that it is never too late. It's something I believe in because like Neo in The Matrix, I don't like the idea that I don't have any control over myself and my destiny.

22. Love cannot be coerced.

You cannot buy love or coerce it into submission. It is something that is freely given as well as freely taken. It will never ever be caged like a bird or it will die. Love is something for the free-spirited, the joyous and the open-minded.

23. We are always more fortunate than the next person in some way.

When we complain of not having enough variety in our meals, someone, somewhere will be grateful when he has what we have. We will always have less than the person who lives in posh condominiums or the most lavish of houses but in the same light, we already have everything we could ever ask for in the eyes of another.

24. I still have a long way to go.

It's been 24 years and this coming July, I will be a quarter-century old. I am up for the challenge. I believe I've already started my quarter-life crisis so I know that it will be a rough road ahead. But with God to guide me through the days, I know that I will be fine. He has provided for me for 25 straight years. I know he can do it far longer than that.

HAPPY 2005 TO YOU ALL!

'Tis That Time of the Year

'Tis That Time of the Year

Ah what the heck, 'tis the season to be merry anyways!





Merry Christmas to you and your family! =)

Two More Days

Two More Days

The countdown is almost up.



It's already two days before Christmas. Maan and I talked about how we never felt Christmas slowly creep up to us this time of the year. I'm wondering if it really has lost its splendor. When I was a kid, I used to love Christmas because it afforded me the opportunity to receive a lot of gifts from my family and all of my relatives.

Now, everyone suddenly stopped giving gifts and now we're the ones who are pressured to buy gifts to people we barely even know--our boss, our co-workers and each and every stranger who will consider it faux pas when you do not accomodate them during this season of gift-giving.

How I wish someone would accomodate me this time of the year and take the time to hear me out but I'd have a much bigger chance at winning the lottery. Everybody is attending to their own concerns. I wish the season was over.

Wishful Thinking

Wishful Thinking

It's a Monday yet I don't feel that it's the start of the week. I can't stop thinking about the coming days. It's like I've been dreading Christmas day to come. This year has not been good to me. Everything seems like a blur to me. All of the supposedly special holidays this year turned out to be real bad. I guess that's why I'm just preparing for the inevitable right now. So I'm counting two more miserable holidays before the year ends: this Saturday and New Year's.

I am especially sure that I won't feel the same old magic whenever I wake up on Christmas day. Times are hard right now as it already is. I just don't think the people close to me will get caught up in the routine of giving gifts. Come to think of it, I only know one guy who would even care to think about giving me something.

After all of the heartbreak and confusion that I've encountered this year, I just want to forget about it. I want to leave the memory of this year buried under the hopeful promise that 2005 will be better.

I never realized I feared Christmas this bad. The nostalgia, the pressures, the lonely feeling you have when you have no one to turn to...it just takes the wind out of you. I hope no one else feels what I am feeling on Christmas Day.

May all of you have the happiest of holidays.

A Necessary Evil

A Necessary Evil

Work is a necessary evil.

Yes, you heard me right: it is a necessary evil.

I believe it is so because we cannot seem to depart from it unless we are a king or a prince. But technically, the kings and queens of today still have to work on something else such as attending banquets and whatnot. So that takes care of the necessity of work. What about the evil that it brings? Ah, that is when the principle of relativity comes into play.

For some people, it will dawn upon them that work is something that they have waited for a long time. It represents independence, both financial and emotional. These are the types of people who have the excuse to stay late at night away from home because they have something to finish within the corporate walls of their workplace.

In contrast, there are some people who view work as something that takes away a lot of things from them. It takes away the closeness between two people because they will both have to spend time away from each other and in so doing, they will no doubt meet different personalities. In my experience, work introduces the idea of infidelity. I have worked two jobs and I have always come up with stories of people being unfaithful to their significant others or their spouses.

Work indirectly destroys relationships. It opens up man to the biggest of temptations and it does so without the slightest knowledge of the people involved. If you try to pry deeper, you'll find a hint of dysfunctionality among your co-workers that wasn't there before they started working. It's a sick feeling, I know but it's the most lucid of truths.

It happens and you know it. That's what's so great about movies. They're inaccurate and accurate at the same time.

How many times have we heard about the man of the house leaving his family just to earn a living in another country only to find his wife having another affair when he returns? The reverse is not foreign to us. Man comes home and brings home a mistress with him. Wife cries. Couple divorces.

It's all too simple yet so blindingly accurate.

And all of this happened because of the sincere and loving desire of the man to provide for his spouse and family. All because of work.

Bullshit.

Call me bitter but maybe the reason I loathe work is because it changed me so much. It turned my life upside down because after it was introduced into my life, it never had any good effect on me. Everything was just the same day in and day out. The same old routine whiling away my time. But even if I look at work like this I am also in its debt because it has taken away my fears and concerns. As I mentioned before, it is a prison and haven of sorts. It simultaneously chains you to a specific set of tasks each and every day and it also gives you legitimate reason not to think of your problems away from it. Like we always hear: "Never bring your family problems to work and leave your work at the office." Sometimes I just feel I have so much to do. It seems that I can't seem to catch my breath. I just need a long break.

Well there you ahve it. Relativity explained. One person might adore working so much that it almost becomes his or her life and another person loathing it because it has taken so much from him.

I almost can't breathe from the frustration that I feel. And if you should know, I am the latter of the two if you haven't noticed yet. I just hope I find the redeeming factor in all that has happened--something that will tell me, "It's alright, you got me in return." It may be a person or something else. Whatever it is, I will wait.

20/20 Hindsight

20/20 Hindsight

It just dawned on me earlier in the day: it's already been 5 months since I started working in YEHEY! I didn't realize time could pass by so fast. When you think about it in terms of working hours, that's a lotta time.

I can't say I really love the job. But one thing I'm certain of is I absolutely love the company. "Samahan nalang yung hindi nagpapaalis sa mga tao." We have people who have stayed in the company for over five years and they really treasure the companionship and the culture of the company. I talked to one of our MIS people and he said that one time, our director talked to them and said "Konting tiis nalang. Pag umunlad din ang YEHEY! sabay-sabay din kayong tataas ang mga sweldo." Sometimes, I can't help but think if they're just empty promises. I'm not bitter about how low my salary is because to begin with, my primary need has already been met--that is to work at a day job. After the turbulent 6 months that I spent in a call center, I can honestly say that the job was a big mistake. I lost a lot of things and opportunities back then as well as someone very dear. It would have probably been a lot different if my job didn't demand so much sacrifice. But we all learn the hard way that sometimes, the sacrifices that are demanded of us aren't optional. They become mandatory sacrifices--must dos instead of could dos.

Anyway, January 5th will be my sixth month in YEHEY! It will be the day when I will know for sure if I will become a regular employee. For now, I really don't want to expect. Maybe because part of me is wanting to look for something I really love doing. But what do I know? All I can do is write. Probably "listen" to people but nobody gets paid to do that. Wouldn't it be weird for you to get a job as someone who just listens and actively becomes interested in someone else's life? I'd probably be quite good at that.

I'm just writing whatever comes to my head right now. I'm just so lost right now although I am trying my best to find my way in the dark. It's just really sad to go through this road again alone. I once had a hand to hold when I was squinting my way through the fog and haziness but now, everything I do must be on my own. I think it's better this way. The only difference is now, I walk a little bit slower, tread a little more careful and as a consequence, listen more intently.

Hindsight is always 20/20. How true.

The Bittersweet Moment of Goodbye

The Bittersweet Moment of Goodbye

I am now officially quitting my long-time hobby of Magic: The Gathering. I say this because I have begun selling one of my prized collections---my dual lands.





For those people who cannot relate, picture yourself quitting the one thing you always want to do, picture yourself not blogging anymore or maybe you could think about how it's like not to play basketball again, not because you don't have time but because your decision was borne out of necessity. Imagine having your all-time favorite TV show finally reach its last episode. Picture yourself giving up that ONE THING you never want to give up in your life not because you can't have any more time to spare for that activity but because you absolutely need to give it up for something else.

Yes, I know. It isn't as easy as it sounds. But can you try and feel that sinking feeling that churns the insides of your stomach?

Since this will be one of the bigger milestones in my life which I will definitely remember, and since this is about something that has been very close to my heart, I would like to just give you guys a background on how I came to turn cardboards sideways.

I came to know about Magic: The Gathering way back in junior year highschool. The only things that I knew back then were sketching, writing poems and playing basketball. There were times when I'd watch a group of my batchmates huddle around a table where two players would silently sit with cards of different art, neatly placed in front of them while uttering one-liners each and every while.

Player A:"Forest. Go"

Player B:"Swamp. Dark Ritual, Dark Ritual, Sengir Vampire

Player A:"Concede.

I know, it sounds Greek to you but doesn't every hobby have its own string of jargons? You'd be surprised to find that each and every pastime has its own terminologies that would seem foreign to another person. Any other serious badminton player would know why it is good to balk before a service or how to explain why carrying a shuttle is an illegal tactic.

For the dialogue above, it's as cryptic as anything else in the world but for people who share the same passion as I do, we share a "dialect" that will only be understood by people who play the game.

So if you're having a difficult time understanding something, know that other people will share your sentiment when it comes to the things you love and give importance to.

I am quitting for several reasons. First, is I need the money. This will probably be one of my hard lessons in opportunity costs. Secondly, I don't have the motivation to go on any longer. There were times when I would want to play with people but I never got to join any sanctioned tournaments (yes, there ARE tournaments for these types of games) nor did I join any hardcore team who only knew Magic and nothing else. Lastly is because I'm starting to think that maybe it is a nonsensical hobby after all. I'll probably be torn between the first two reasons and my last one.

I will probably get the answers soon. Until then, Auf Wiedersehen, my precious duals. It took me almost a decade to find them. If that's what it takes to get them again, then I can probably wait that long. I will dearly miss them.

I wish I never had to part with them. =(