The Bittersweet Moment of Goodbye

The Bittersweet Moment of Goodbye

I am now officially quitting my long-time hobby of Magic: The Gathering. I say this because I have begun selling one of my prized collections---my dual lands.





For those people who cannot relate, picture yourself quitting the one thing you always want to do, picture yourself not blogging anymore or maybe you could think about how it's like not to play basketball again, not because you don't have time but because your decision was borne out of necessity. Imagine having your all-time favorite TV show finally reach its last episode. Picture yourself giving up that ONE THING you never want to give up in your life not because you can't have any more time to spare for that activity but because you absolutely need to give it up for something else.

Yes, I know. It isn't as easy as it sounds. But can you try and feel that sinking feeling that churns the insides of your stomach?

Since this will be one of the bigger milestones in my life which I will definitely remember, and since this is about something that has been very close to my heart, I would like to just give you guys a background on how I came to turn cardboards sideways.

I came to know about Magic: The Gathering way back in junior year highschool. The only things that I knew back then were sketching, writing poems and playing basketball. There were times when I'd watch a group of my batchmates huddle around a table where two players would silently sit with cards of different art, neatly placed in front of them while uttering one-liners each and every while.

Player A:"Forest. Go"

Player B:"Swamp. Dark Ritual, Dark Ritual, Sengir Vampire

Player A:"Concede.

I know, it sounds Greek to you but doesn't every hobby have its own string of jargons? You'd be surprised to find that each and every pastime has its own terminologies that would seem foreign to another person. Any other serious badminton player would know why it is good to balk before a service or how to explain why carrying a shuttle is an illegal tactic.

For the dialogue above, it's as cryptic as anything else in the world but for people who share the same passion as I do, we share a "dialect" that will only be understood by people who play the game.

So if you're having a difficult time understanding something, know that other people will share your sentiment when it comes to the things you love and give importance to.

I am quitting for several reasons. First, is I need the money. This will probably be one of my hard lessons in opportunity costs. Secondly, I don't have the motivation to go on any longer. There were times when I would want to play with people but I never got to join any sanctioned tournaments (yes, there ARE tournaments for these types of games) nor did I join any hardcore team who only knew Magic and nothing else. Lastly is because I'm starting to think that maybe it is a nonsensical hobby after all. I'll probably be torn between the first two reasons and my last one.

I will probably get the answers soon. Until then, Auf Wiedersehen, my precious duals. It took me almost a decade to find them. If that's what it takes to get them again, then I can probably wait that long. I will dearly miss them.

I wish I never had to part with them. =(

Super Me!

Super Me!

I just wanted to share a memory.





Either it was real cold outside or I wanted to be dressed up like a ninja/superhero. Hehe...kids!

# 4

# 4

Took one of the numerous online tests that I just happened upon and voila! Would you believe that I got my all-time favorite number in the process?

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What number are you?

I just realize that it's true--people can read me like a book. But continuing with the same line of thinking, not everyone understands each and every book he or she picks up. Same goes for me.

Man, I love epiphanies.

Coming Home

Coming Home

I just came from a wake last night. A dear friend lost his mom to cancer last Tuesday, November 23. What made this different from the other tragedies that I hear is that it was more real to me because I knew her. Tita Joey was one of the readily identifiable people in my church not only because I was good friends with her son but because she exuded a certain aura that made everybody around her feel better.

Once again, I am brought back to my senses. I realize that we are not going to be strong forever; that we will not be able to run 30 minutes straight on a treadmill without even fazing; that we will not be healthy throughout the entirety of our lifetimes. The point has been driven home hard--we will leave this earth. It makes me remember a saying that I read somewhere:

"Death is certain, living isn't."

We've all heard about death being the great equalizer and yet we still scoff at the idea when we drink a bit too much that our body already rejects the alocohol in our system or when we smoke a cigarette or when we take a hit of whatever designer drug that our peers take. It's all about "feeling good" at this particular moment, nothing else. And because of that selfishness, we suffer for it not a week later but several decades after---when everything else is in place; when we have a family who already loves us with all of their heart and soul.

And you know what the ironic thing about last night was? You probably won't believe it...

Tita Joey didn't smoke nor drink. And you know what else? She was the first of her generation to have cancer. Everyone else before her in her family tree didn't have it. It's a bit saddening because when you think about it, that's not fair. To have someone taken away from you after all of her good works she's done for God and for His people is not fair to me. Then again, if that time comes, we will never know why God called us home at this particular point in our lives. Until we ask Him Himself.

I have mixed emotions about everything that transpired. In some ways, I feel regret because I wasn't able to say goodbye to her because she was really of the nicest moms that I've encountered in my lifetime. And I also am happy and envious at the same time because I know that she is already with our Maker.

I told my own mom about it in Yahoo Messenger and she said that soon, we will all be walking the same path:

(9:18:14 AM): streets made of clear gold and huge pearl gates ... plus you get to see Jesus and God and the angels and Moses and Daniel and David... sulit na rin...

Sulit na sulit nga.


In Loving Memory of Tita Joey Vila

Tongue-Tied

Tongue-Tied

"I know this."

I just heard this familiar tune when I was browsing the web. Can anybody tell me the title of this tune?

All I know is that it's something that you can put in an Alice in Wonderland movie. A bit scary, but it's all-too familiar for it to be.

Basketball Fever

Basketball Fever

Woke up at 5:00 in the morning to heat my bathwater. And as I was waiting I thought to myself: "I can't believe I'm waking up this early just to play basketball." And to think I even played the night before. I met up with Carlo, one of my really, really good friends in high school. We had an affinity for basketball so we kind of hit it off right from the moment I met him in 3rd year high. I just met up with him at Shell along McKinley Road and we laced up to play in Dasmariñas village.

I can't believe I played five full court games in a span of 3.5 hours. Mind you, the people I played with weren't pushovers. I played with a former member of Toyota and Crispa as well as the older brother of PBA superstar, Ronnie Magsanoc. Everybody in that gym either had game or took yours. It was really fun playing and just sweating like a pig. :)

I also couldn't believe how Carlo got better. One game he tore up the other team with 14 unanswered points and finished with 21. And this was the same guy I was schooling in high school. I guess, there's really no substitute for passion as an ultimate equalizer. As long as you love something and you keep on doing it over and over again, eventually, you'll end up on a higher level than the rest of the people who didn't push themselves quite as much.

I really love that idea. Gives me hope. Maybe the next time I board a three in the gym, people won't have to raise their eyebrows.

Taking The Road Less Travelled

Taking The Road Less Travelled

There comes a time in a person's life when he has to move on. For me that moment cannot be any more timely than now. I am now at a point in my life wherein I choose to no longer be shackled by the limitations that have beset me during the past few years. I am tired and weary and I feel that I cannot go on any longer with what I have been. I am ready for learning yet another lesson that life has to offer--although I am still uncertain of what it is. Even if it a road less travelled, I am still willing to tread on it.

I am happy now because I am taking that next step: that eventful stage of stepping outside of my comfort zone. There is no one else I consider depending on except myself, my family and my extended family (short for friends). Whatever fastball that life will throw at me, I am more than willing to catch it--all 101.9 mph of it.

Behind The Mask

Behind The Mask

There will always be secrets that you will always keep from someone or everyone. I have a handful of friends who know my deepest secrets but they do not know me fully. I am slowly beginning to understand that I am a wearer of masks. And I do so not because I aim to deceive people but because I feel safer. I almost revel being behind a mask of pride than be under the spotlight of prejudice. I would rather slip behind the mask of apathy than see myself crumble to the ground when I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I feel the need for hiding is great because sometimes I believe that people will not accept me if I do not fit into their standards of what a person should be. Fortunately I have about 2 or 3 people I know who accepts me for who I am. But sometimes I cannot help but think to myself if they will ever change in the future...after all, everybody does.

I miss the comfort of long conversations when someone will really want to listen to me and my tales of sorrow, happiness, guilt, confusion, defeat, victory and survival. I miss having to sit down with someone who honestly and wholeheartedly wants to just listen to me. That's it---just listen. I think people underestimate the power and luxury of having a friend you can count on when all else in your world breaks down.

In the end, after all the distractions have lost their luster, after you've focused so much on yourself, when you feel this type of loneliness, you will understand what I am talking about. You'll just want to have someone to really care about what's happening to you.

Until then, I will wear my masks in the hopes that someone will see right through me.

Bring It On

Bring It On

I don't know if this November will be a better month. And I say that because even though I'm finally getting the space I need to be my own solitary self, I am oblivious as to what will happen next. Also, at this stage in my life, I am too tired to care about the people who continuously hurt me so I just ignore them altogether. It's just tiring being the one who always understands; being the one who always has to take the brunt of the blow.

Simply put, this year has been one of the worst years in my life. I honestly don't know if the menace is over but I am expecting the worst right now to tell you the truth. I just cannot believe what people have been able to do to me this year.

But it is an eye-opener to me and I now am aware that in this life, anything bad is possible. But with all honesty, I can now truthfully say, "Bring it on".

Wants and Needs

Wants and Needs

It just hit me that I won't have everything that I hope for.

Not because it's the truth, but because it's just fair. Everybody else can't have everything they want. Why should I be any different?

I was thinking about the things that have happened to me this year. I know...it's a bit early for reminiscing and flashback episodes but hey, this is my blog. =) Anyway, I can honestly say that I am one year wiser albeit a bit sadder. I know that for a fact because last October, I was in the company of good co-workers who later on became my friends. That was one hell of a ride. I could say the same for this year. This year hit me like a freight train speeding unlike anything I've ever experienced before.

It hit me smack dab in the middle of heart and soul.

And to tell you the truth, I think I haven't landed from the blow yet; I feel as if I'm still flying....waiting to crash. *sigh*

Anyway, I have realized that I can't have everything although I WILL work on trying to get some of my inane and trivial wants in this world. Here are a few of them in no particular order:

1. A goatee. I think I've been shaving my chin since forever and I still haven't amassed enough hair to call it a goatee. I'd actually think that'd look good on me. Or at least I'd like to see myself carry a good one.

2. 4 Mishra's Workshops. It's a hobby of mine. Magic cards? Doesn't ring a bell? Became famous back then in 1997? Still sound Greek to you? Okay, next!

3. A healthy knee. I actually believe I already have arthritis in my left knee. Whenever I play basketball these days, it feels quite sore and I have to keep massaging the plate for it not to throb. Damn, I'm old.

4. Six-pack abs 'Nuff said.

5. A cigarette-free year Actually, I'd like to have a cigarette-free lifetime. I think having cancer in our genes is enough. I'd probably die of colon cancer or some other excruciating disease.

I guess that's it for now. Thanks for reading this far. Until next time!

Just an Afterthought

Just an Afterthought

I was just browsing through the dusty drawers of my room when I happened upon this poem:

When can I smile again?

When can I smile again?
When will people stop putting
labels on my faltering ego?
I want them to notice that
I, too, am human...just like them

When can I smile again?
When will the rest of the world
stop judging and start loving?
I want them to notice that
I, too, am human...just like them

Too many questions demand
to be answered
Too many hearts still
close out on me
So much wasted time

When can I smile again?
When can I know joy and love
for the second time around?
I want people to notice that
I, now, am dying...and that I need them.

by Zeus Martinez
April, 16, 1999


To tell you the truth, I can't remember anymore what I was thinking back then. I can't remember anymore why I wrote this poem although I could surmise that this was probably about people in my university since this was already during my time in college. *whew* When I listen to myself, it seems as if I'm really old. (which I concede I am) I guess all I can say is that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Picking Up The Pieces

Picking Up The Pieces

Don't you sometimes feel so fatigued because you're waiting for something to happen. I can't really help but throw my arms in the air in despair sometimes when I hit my lowest of lows. It's such a draining feeling that I get when I try with all my might to avert my thinking, when I try to adapt a new model of perspective.

I never knew a paradigm shift was this hard to obtain.

To the people who visit my blog, this might seem like a random collection of words that seem nothing but vague outbursts. To be honest, I confuse myself with who I really am. A colleague of mine pointed out that I really have to find out who I really am. I think that's a big step that I need to inevitably take. It's a hard road ahead but there are times when I see flashes of who I really am in reality. And when I realize who I am, I cannot help but squirm in disbelief not because my eyes do not lie but my heart tells me the truth.

And so, I will begin my journey anew. I am about to reinvent myself. How much will be entirely up to myself. I am of course, not promising any physical mutations such as tattoos (albeit I find them fascinating) or anything of that sort. But I am on a quest to change the little things that I feel I MUST NOT live with. I think I've taken a first step in quitting a bad habit (again) so I proposed to myself: "Let me take it from here."

I just hope I never backslide again. I think a part of me should finally resolve to say "No" when I know it's the right thing to do. I guess that will be the next item on my to-do list. Talk about having your work getting cut out for yourself.

Full Recovery

Full Recovery

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything here in my blog. My apologies to those who have been seeing the same old stagnant entries everytime they visit. It's just that I've been swamped with a lot of stuff and I am literally thinking about a million and one things as of the moment. To tell you the truth, I wonder if it ever stops.

Anyway, news flash! I'm a bit well already from the cough that has plagued me since the 25th of last month. I try to bring a face towel with me everywhere I go just so I can keep my back dry whenever I commute. It's so nice to listen to your own breathing when it's not interrupted by sudden outbursts of coughing. It's also really nice to breathe through your two nostrils instead of just one. Having a stuffed nose was hell because it was accompanied by sinusitis. Last year I had a similar type of condition but it lasted for around 2 months instead of 3 weeks because I was working the graveyard shift in a call center so I don't think I was given the chance to recuperate at all. Now, I'm thankful that I'm able to breathe normally and cough when I want to.

So now, I'm back to my "healthy" self and hopefully, my posts will be too.

Eccentric

Eccentric

I just met up with a long lost friend two days ago. And when I mean "long" I mean exactly the same thing. The last time we saw each other was a little after we graduated from high school. To me that's like a lifetime already. So much has happened over the years that it seemed a bit surreal talking to him over a gigantic mug of Strong Ice over in Timog. I felt I was dreaming back then because we left a great friendship for our respective college courses and I guess I never had the chance to keep in touch with him.

We talked about the past, present and future and I couldn't help but quietly say to myself "The more things change, the more they stay the same."

He confesses to be more on the eccentric side but aren't we all? I think all of us has a certain type of madness that we all have deeply shut out--that certain eccentric side of us. I could never ever talk about myself and my musings as freely as he did that night. It seems as if I'm holding back. Then again, I don't know what it is I am suppressing. *sigh*

It's so hard to read something you absolutely have no idea about isn't it?

Welcome to my world.

Mere Mortals

Mere Mortals

You really can't stress enough how important something is until you lose it.

This weekend, my immune system caved in and I had a bout with the flu. I'd like to think it was any ordinary attack but when you have a sore throat, stuffy nose, migraine AND a high fever apart from the sore joints, you'd hardly claim it was anything ordinary.

I guess I've been taking my health for granted. And this is so ironic because all of this happened after I talked to my long lost highschool buddy about getting back into basketball shape. :)

All I want to say is that we should all treasure whatever is important to us. May it be our families, our loved ones and our health. When I was lying on the bed breathing through my mouth (because of the stuffy nose I had) while trying to sleep, all I could think about was how and when I could get better.

Sometimes, we really can't rely on ourselves to keep our health in check. We almost always need the unsolicited help of diseases and viruses to tell us that we are not invincible and that we are mere mortals.

Sniff, Sniff

Sniff, Sniff

I think I've finally caught the bad case of colds roaming around the office. This will probably be the first time this year that I've had a stuffed nose so bad that my head hurts.

Damn. I feel my head's in the middle of a vise.

Last time I felt like this was when I started taking calls in my first job as an agent. So much for the sweetness of nostalgia.

Anyway, I gotta crash. I'll probably just sleep it off and wake up feeling worse.

Realizations

Realizations

I think I need to reinvent myself.

Last Song Syndrome

Last Song Syndrome

People are People
by D' Sound


I am the one
who believes in all that you say
I am the one
who never wants to define herself
I am the one
who’s paralell, upfront, behind
I am the one
paddling like crazy through the night

Refine, old time, colourblind
Big sign, do time, doesn’t rhyme
A lot, to much, standing tall
And I’m crying in the valley:
“I shall never, ever fall!”

People are people
and I feel so strong
People are people and I’m
going on

I am the one
who stirs it up everytime
I am the one
who never knows how close she is
I am the one
who’d rather be dead than confess
I am the one
trying to be good, wanting to be bad and so on

Excess, temptress, big mess
Phoney, lonely, it’s a test
Be still my heart, don’t you fail
And I’m crying on the stagefloor:
“I will always prevail!”

I’m going on…


A really nice song I got from Elaine. :-)

Our Dying Motherland

Our Dying Motherland

As of the moment, I go through each day thinking what will become of my future.

I think to myself: "How do you even start a family in this country in this day and age with all of the corruption that is going on in our government?"



It almost seems impossible to fathom but to be honest, the sliver of hope that I am clinging to is fading fast.

Everywhere you go, you are treated like strangers by fellow-Filipinos. And these same people would gladly smile and converse with the foreigner next to you. Like what one of my friends said we live in a country with so much colonial mentality. I'm beginning to wonder if the saying "Familiarity breeds contempt." is one of the absolute reigning truths here in our Motherland.



It's such a sad and hurtful thing to see a cashier sneer at you when you give them a large bill when you're ordering a simple meal; or if the driver of the passenger jeepney you're on doesn't even bother to give you your change of 50 centavos; or when the taxi driver takes a longer route to your destination just so he can extend the meter's sum total.

Some people might worry about more trivial things like how to get to Saturday night's party without fear of having your friends' friends notice that you wore the same outfit two weekends ago.

The brunt of the hurt is felt by the common people, the masses, the bourgeois.



And it bothers me when I think about what will happen to our government if this trend continues. We could be more than what we are today. Sadly, the people in our government have ulterior motives...and that translates to everybody else.

We are all struggling to keep afloat in this God-forsaken country. It's such a shame that looking at the trend, the status quo will remain for many more years to come.

It Hurts

It Hurts

I am at my worst right now.

I don't see the point of moving on with life if you don't have anybody who understands you. I really don't get it.

But most of all, I miss her. With all my heart, I miss the love that we once shared. But now, I have been replaced by something else...something more important.

I guess I had it coming all along. All I am is one of life's biggest mistakes and nothing else.