It Hurts
I am at my worst right now.
I don't see the point of moving on with life if you don't have anybody who understands you. I really don't get it.
But most of all, I miss her. With all my heart, I miss the love that we once shared. But now, I have been replaced by something else...something more important.
I guess I had it coming all along. All I am is one of life's biggest mistakes and nothing else.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
The Value of Friendship
The Certainty of Friendship
Change has pervaded my life ever since I started working. My very first job was at the BEST call center in the Philippines. *wink* At that job, I gained a lot of friends whom I didn't have any direct connections with. They were from different universities as well as various backgrounds. I really did not expect that I would become close to them because I had my own set of friends before I dove into the abyss of the workplace.
I had my highschool friends, my college friends and my village friends. I really didn't think I could have any more space for some more.
And so I stayed quiet. But in due time I opened up to them like a flower approaching the first morning of spring. After I left my job, I never thought I would find friends as great as them.
It seems that life will always surprise us with a lot of things.
L-R: Maan, Hazel, Regina, me.
I have been fortunate enough to have been blessed once again.
Change has pervaded my life ever since I started working. My very first job was at the BEST call center in the Philippines. *wink* At that job, I gained a lot of friends whom I didn't have any direct connections with. They were from different universities as well as various backgrounds. I really did not expect that I would become close to them because I had my own set of friends before I dove into the abyss of the workplace.
I had my highschool friends, my college friends and my village friends. I really didn't think I could have any more space for some more.
And so I stayed quiet. But in due time I opened up to them like a flower approaching the first morning of spring. After I left my job, I never thought I would find friends as great as them.
It seems that life will always surprise us with a lot of things.
L-R: Maan, Hazel, Regina, me.
I have been fortunate enough to have been blessed once again.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
I Am...
I Am...
...a distraction to others...
...a distraction unto myself...
...a lost soul...
...a terrified wanderer...
...inadequate...
...distressed...
...under duress...
I am everything else that any lost and lonely soul may ever become. I am a tired passenger on life's longer journeys and I am yearning for sleep.
Someone, anyone...somebody save me from me.
...a distraction to others...
...a distraction unto myself...
...a lost soul...
...a terrified wanderer...
...inadequate...
...distressed...
...under duress...
I am everything else that any lost and lonely soul may ever become. I am a tired passenger on life's longer journeys and I am yearning for sleep.
Someone, anyone...somebody save me from me.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
For the 80's Kid
For the 80's Kid
Simply an 80's classic.
I think I even cried during the movie.
Simply an 80's classic.
I think I even cried during the movie.
 | Love-a-Lot Bear |
Thinking of Days Past
Thinking of Days Past
I once sang this song for someone who I considered to be really special in my life. I called her up and just started to sing without even saying "Hello".
Can't Cry Hard Enough
I'm going to live my life
Like every day's my last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast
And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
I'm going to open my eyes
And see for the first time
I've let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite
There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
I'm going to look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is just an empty chair
And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
I put down the phone after the last line. Lalang....memories.
I once sang this song for someone who I considered to be really special in my life. I called her up and just started to sing without even saying "Hello".
Can't Cry Hard Enough
I'm going to live my life
Like every day's my last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast
And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
I'm going to open my eyes
And see for the first time
I've let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite
There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
I'm going to look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is just an empty chair
And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
I put down the phone after the last line. Lalang....memories.
Monday, September 06, 2004
And 1
And One
Looking back, last Friday played out like a movie in the making. Everyone else in the Sales team went out for a client call except me. :) And I said I wanted to just stay so at least someone can answer the phone.
And someone did indeed call.
I woke up with a case of LBM today. I have to remember to look at the isaw as it is being cooked next time. Anyway, I just stayed home, drank Immodium, ate bananas, drank some green tea and Coke and slept. After I woke up at around 6:40 PM I got a text from Regina that went like:
"Hey we g0t it!!! Wah00!! Sori im at d gym! Hehe! Astg as in they wer s0 nice and all! Maan was d b0mb! 2 m0nth campn man!"
I felt the sleep rub off me and I stood up and pumped my hand in jubilation. Maan's the bomb! Definitely Regina and Hazel too! :)
And 1, baby!!! =) Go Sales!!!
Looking back, last Friday played out like a movie in the making. Everyone else in the Sales team went out for a client call except me. :) And I said I wanted to just stay so at least someone can answer the phone.
And someone did indeed call.
I woke up with a case of LBM today. I have to remember to look at the isaw as it is being cooked next time. Anyway, I just stayed home, drank Immodium, ate bananas, drank some green tea and Coke and slept. After I woke up at around 6:40 PM I got a text from Regina that went like:
"Hey we g0t it!!! Wah00!! Sori im at d gym! Hehe! Astg as in they wer s0 nice and all! Maan was d b0mb! 2 m0nth campn man!"
I felt the sleep rub off me and I stood up and pumped my hand in jubilation. Maan's the bomb! Definitely Regina and Hazel too! :)
And 1, baby!!! =) Go Sales!!!
Saturday, September 04, 2004
To Court Love is to Court Pain
To Court Love is to Court Pain
I am an observer by nature. I find myself looking and listening than talking the night away in a random gathering.
And what I have observed is that people know so little about love and the equal amount of pain it can potentially cause. People are absolutely oblivious to the fact that whenever you court love, you court pain. That is a pre-given and nobody is exempted from the sting of lost or broken love. It is a feeling that everybody goes through whether you have been in one relationship or a hundred. That is the premise that I wish to share:
"Whenever you truly, genuinely love someone, you must also be prepared to hurt as much."
I have heard countless stories of people loving another only for the story to end when the person leaves their current love for a better deal. I have heard of couples in a relationship who split up because the other person finds it easier to concentrate on his job rather than the relationship. All of a sudden, from #1 to almost gone.
It is a sad and dreadful truth; one which looms over us like a dark cloud upon us before the downpour. And all of us have no control over it as much as we cannot stop a single drop of rain from falling. We cannot master Love because it can be taken from us as much as it is freely given. It is a reality we must all face that if we say "Yes" to someone else, we must also consider the fine print that comes with it. It might be prudent to include after the affirmation the following phrases:
"I am allowing my vulnerability to be exposed."
"I give you the right to hurt me."
"I know this will hurt if you leave but let's try anyway."
No one can dictate to us who we want to love. And that is the truth that some people forget. If you love a person, that is all because you decide it upon yourself that this particular man or woman is worthy of your love. But when the person does not reciprocate the love that you bestow, that is only because of this one God-given right. It will be probably one of the one greatest possessions we mortals will ever have.
It is called free will.
We shouldn't blame the person we give our love to for loving someone else other than us because it is not right. We give our love to someone; we surrender everything else except our souls to this one person not because it is a requirement. We do it not because we are obliged to, but because we want to. Out of all the people in the world that we have met, like a king knighting a soldier with his royal scepter, we choose to love one person. But let us not forget that we are not kings or queens.
The love that we bestow upon this person is honorable, yes...but our word is not final. The person can always say "No".
Or leave us...
Or go behind our back...
Or cheat on us...
There are a thousand and one reasons why someone will decline but that should not be taken as a reflection of our inadequacy or incompetence. They are all part of a plan. As to what plan and why it is structured as such, I have no clue.
All I can say is that all of us have our own journeys to follow. I would like to think that whenever we fail in a relationship, it does not mean that we are bad people. To me those slips and "failures" are just stepping stones we must need to cross in order for us to get to the other side. We should look at these as rocks in a river which will bring us closer to the The One.
It just so happens that some people have wider rivers to cross, faster currents to keep cautious of, and stronger gusts of wind to fight while crossing that proverbial river. And so we must bid our time, wait for the right opportunity when we should jump onto the next rock. Or else we will just slip because of the raging water, lose balance because of the wind, and fail once again.
Once you understand how your surroundings are and how the river flows, you should do just fine.
I am an observer by nature. I find myself looking and listening than talking the night away in a random gathering.
And what I have observed is that people know so little about love and the equal amount of pain it can potentially cause. People are absolutely oblivious to the fact that whenever you court love, you court pain. That is a pre-given and nobody is exempted from the sting of lost or broken love. It is a feeling that everybody goes through whether you have been in one relationship or a hundred. That is the premise that I wish to share:
"Whenever you truly, genuinely love someone, you must also be prepared to hurt as much."
I have heard countless stories of people loving another only for the story to end when the person leaves their current love for a better deal. I have heard of couples in a relationship who split up because the other person finds it easier to concentrate on his job rather than the relationship. All of a sudden, from #1 to almost gone.
It is a sad and dreadful truth; one which looms over us like a dark cloud upon us before the downpour. And all of us have no control over it as much as we cannot stop a single drop of rain from falling. We cannot master Love because it can be taken from us as much as it is freely given. It is a reality we must all face that if we say "Yes" to someone else, we must also consider the fine print that comes with it. It might be prudent to include after the affirmation the following phrases:
"I am allowing my vulnerability to be exposed."
"I give you the right to hurt me."
"I know this will hurt if you leave but let's try anyway."
No one can dictate to us who we want to love. And that is the truth that some people forget. If you love a person, that is all because you decide it upon yourself that this particular man or woman is worthy of your love. But when the person does not reciprocate the love that you bestow, that is only because of this one God-given right. It will be probably one of the one greatest possessions we mortals will ever have.
It is called free will.
We shouldn't blame the person we give our love to for loving someone else other than us because it is not right. We give our love to someone; we surrender everything else except our souls to this one person not because it is a requirement. We do it not because we are obliged to, but because we want to. Out of all the people in the world that we have met, like a king knighting a soldier with his royal scepter, we choose to love one person. But let us not forget that we are not kings or queens.
The love that we bestow upon this person is honorable, yes...but our word is not final. The person can always say "No".
Or leave us...
Or go behind our back...
Or cheat on us...
There are a thousand and one reasons why someone will decline but that should not be taken as a reflection of our inadequacy or incompetence. They are all part of a plan. As to what plan and why it is structured as such, I have no clue.
All I can say is that all of us have our own journeys to follow. I would like to think that whenever we fail in a relationship, it does not mean that we are bad people. To me those slips and "failures" are just stepping stones we must need to cross in order for us to get to the other side. We should look at these as rocks in a river which will bring us closer to the The One.
It just so happens that some people have wider rivers to cross, faster currents to keep cautious of, and stronger gusts of wind to fight while crossing that proverbial river. And so we must bid our time, wait for the right opportunity when we should jump onto the next rock. Or else we will just slip because of the raging water, lose balance because of the wind, and fail once again.
Once you understand how your surroundings are and how the river flows, you should do just fine.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
More Time
More Time
I wonder what it would be like if we simply had more time. I, for one, would like to have a day extend up to 32 hours--that of course being all else equal. A day that would consist of an 8 hour job, 8 hours of leisure time, 12 hours of sleep and 4 hours of just doing what you love to do--whatever it may be. I think I need just a little extra time sometimes.
That would be a loooong day but I sure would like to experience one. Even just once.
I wonder what it would feel like. One would probably be bored to death. Most people would probably turn out to be lazier than they are. I just sometimes find it difficult to squeeze everything else that I want to do in one day. I sometimes find it hard to pursue my other hobbies because sometimes when I'm done with work and I go home, I just fall flat on my face and sleep 'til the morning comes. It's a tiring routine but every now and then I manage to keep up.
As for us mortals who dwell on a plane of existence that is governed by time, we have no control over it so we will just have to make do with whatever we have.
Learn everything we can.
Be the best person we can be.
And last but not the least, make the world a better place because we're in it.
I wonder what it would be like if we simply had more time. I, for one, would like to have a day extend up to 32 hours--that of course being all else equal. A day that would consist of an 8 hour job, 8 hours of leisure time, 12 hours of sleep and 4 hours of just doing what you love to do--whatever it may be. I think I need just a little extra time sometimes.
That would be a loooong day but I sure would like to experience one. Even just once.
I wonder what it would feel like. One would probably be bored to death. Most people would probably turn out to be lazier than they are. I just sometimes find it difficult to squeeze everything else that I want to do in one day. I sometimes find it hard to pursue my other hobbies because sometimes when I'm done with work and I go home, I just fall flat on my face and sleep 'til the morning comes. It's a tiring routine but every now and then I manage to keep up.
As for us mortals who dwell on a plane of existence that is governed by time, we have no control over it so we will just have to make do with whatever we have.
Learn everything we can.
Be the best person we can be.
And last but not the least, make the world a better place because we're in it.
Monday, August 30, 2004
Clichés and Regrets
Clichés and Regrets
After nearly a quarter century of living in this world, you can't seem to face the fact that nearly all of the clichés and familiar sayings you've ever heard seem to apply to you.
"Time flies by so fast."
"Life was simple back then."
"If I could only turn back time."
"Hindsight is always 20/20."
And my personal favorite..."What if?"
It's a bit saddening to come to terms with the fact that life will no longer be easy for you anymore. It's a bit hard on the people who have been sheltered from the difficulties of life when they realize that from here on in, it will be a life of thankless work and a thousand and one mistakes. After all, we are all entitled to that type of life. There wouldn't be any growth at all if everybody was right all the time.
Time and experience is a valuable teacher. This I have proven time and again.
I read someone's comment about being nostalgic. The person said that there wouldn't be any point in complaining about how easy we had it back then; how we didn't think of how much we were spending when we bought something. Now, we always need to look twice in our wallet and spend a few seconds to mentally compute if the value meal that we're planning to eat will be worth it or not. Damn.
I wonder if this will ever stop. I'm wondering if I would still feel this way if I worked in a different country. I wonder if I would stop worrying about things if I had more money. I wonder I wouldn't have any more problems if I became more financially stable. Even though, it's tempting to subscribe to that belief, I still don't want to. I still believe that money is the root of all evil--that is with the condition that if you allow yourself to be consumed by it.
I really have no idea on what to expect of this country and the life that is ahead of us. I am only hoping that 10 years in the future, we won't be looking back in despair and say that we had it easy back then.
After nearly a quarter century of living in this world, you can't seem to face the fact that nearly all of the clichés and familiar sayings you've ever heard seem to apply to you.
"Time flies by so fast."
"Life was simple back then."
"If I could only turn back time."
"Hindsight is always 20/20."
And my personal favorite..."What if?"
It's a bit saddening to come to terms with the fact that life will no longer be easy for you anymore. It's a bit hard on the people who have been sheltered from the difficulties of life when they realize that from here on in, it will be a life of thankless work and a thousand and one mistakes. After all, we are all entitled to that type of life. There wouldn't be any growth at all if everybody was right all the time.
Time and experience is a valuable teacher. This I have proven time and again.
I read someone's comment about being nostalgic. The person said that there wouldn't be any point in complaining about how easy we had it back then; how we didn't think of how much we were spending when we bought something. Now, we always need to look twice in our wallet and spend a few seconds to mentally compute if the value meal that we're planning to eat will be worth it or not. Damn.
I wonder if this will ever stop. I'm wondering if I would still feel this way if I worked in a different country. I wonder if I would stop worrying about things if I had more money. I wonder I wouldn't have any more problems if I became more financially stable. Even though, it's tempting to subscribe to that belief, I still don't want to. I still believe that money is the root of all evil--that is with the condition that if you allow yourself to be consumed by it.
I really have no idea on what to expect of this country and the life that is ahead of us. I am only hoping that 10 years in the future, we won't be looking back in despair and say that we had it easy back then.
Friday, August 27, 2004
Talk Show on Mute
Talk Show on Mute
Sometimes it just totally escapes me when people see grey instead of black; when people see good in something that is generally considered evil. Maybe for these types of people we really cannot hope to clear the mixed-up hues of their reasoning. Maybe they need to learn everything the hard way.
It's such a sad feeling to know that someone you care about is going on about things the wrong way. It disheartens me when you have a friend that just will not listen to whatever it is you have to say because they have made up their mind about the issue and no one is going to persuade them to think otherwise.
I find it sad when my friend gets their heart broken into a thousand pieces by someone who wasn't even worth their time but I find it even more disturbing if that person didn't learn from his or her mistake. I have a good friend who thinks it is inconceivable to go for one whole year without ever entering into a relationship even if he hasn't known a girl for very long. I also have a good friend who just won't stop playing the game just because it's fun.
I mean sure, it beats sitting by your bed on a Friday night thinking about what to do the next day but it sure as hell won't give you the insight and wisdom that you need to become a better person after you're through with them or vice versa.
People..
..are..
..rushing..
..into things..
And they don't even know that they do. That's the saddest part of being closed-minded. To yourself, you're doing the right thing because it makes you happy. But to the people who love and really care about you, all you're doing is destroying what could be a prosperous and beautiful life. To the person who can't stop and smell the roses, everything else that we talk about will ultimately be a talk show on mute because they will never listen to anyone but themselves.
I wonder if they're ever right. I just hope they are.
Sometimes it just totally escapes me when people see grey instead of black; when people see good in something that is generally considered evil. Maybe for these types of people we really cannot hope to clear the mixed-up hues of their reasoning. Maybe they need to learn everything the hard way.
It's such a sad feeling to know that someone you care about is going on about things the wrong way. It disheartens me when you have a friend that just will not listen to whatever it is you have to say because they have made up their mind about the issue and no one is going to persuade them to think otherwise.
I find it sad when my friend gets their heart broken into a thousand pieces by someone who wasn't even worth their time but I find it even more disturbing if that person didn't learn from his or her mistake. I have a good friend who thinks it is inconceivable to go for one whole year without ever entering into a relationship even if he hasn't known a girl for very long. I also have a good friend who just won't stop playing the game just because it's fun.
I mean sure, it beats sitting by your bed on a Friday night thinking about what to do the next day but it sure as hell won't give you the insight and wisdom that you need to become a better person after you're through with them or vice versa.
People..
..are..
..rushing..
..into things..
And they don't even know that they do. That's the saddest part of being closed-minded. To yourself, you're doing the right thing because it makes you happy. But to the people who love and really care about you, all you're doing is destroying what could be a prosperous and beautiful life. To the person who can't stop and smell the roses, everything else that we talk about will ultimately be a talk show on mute because they will never listen to anyone but themselves.
I wonder if they're ever right. I just hope they are.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Which Endless Are You?
Which Endless Are You?
Death, the second of The Endless, you are responsible for ending all lives and taking them to your realm, from which no one ever returns. You are bright, positive, happy, optimistic and enjoy everything about life, but that does not mean your silly or stupid. You can lay the smack down when you have to! Everyone loves you, and they don't know why.
Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Death, the second of The Endless, you are responsible for ending all lives and taking them to your realm, from which no one ever returns. You are bright, positive, happy, optimistic and enjoy everything about life, but that does not mean your silly or stupid. You can lay the smack down when you have to! Everyone loves you, and they don't know why.
Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Ours Alone
Ours Alone
Everyone of us will come to a time when there seems to be nothing else but complications and chaos. But to the more blessed of us, we will always have something to run to...something we can always call home.
I believe that to me, writing will always be my treasured gift. It is one of those rare blessings that can keep someone occupied as long as he wants. There is no other requirement except a pencil and paper. The rest comes from the big mass of tissue we call the brain. And it is such a wonderful thing to be able to come home to that gift whenever you want to--whenever you need to.
All of us should have found something that we come home to. All of us should have something we can call our own; something we know we're good at. All that it takes is a little bit of creativity and having passion for the growth of that gift. We should all be thankful of what we have. Whether it be a knack for saying the right words or having people open up or mixing colors on a canvas or just plain 'ole writing.
Nobody can take your gift away from you. Why don't we all build on that idea?
Find yours and let it grow.
Everyone of us will come to a time when there seems to be nothing else but complications and chaos. But to the more blessed of us, we will always have something to run to...something we can always call home.
I believe that to me, writing will always be my treasured gift. It is one of those rare blessings that can keep someone occupied as long as he wants. There is no other requirement except a pencil and paper. The rest comes from the big mass of tissue we call the brain. And it is such a wonderful thing to be able to come home to that gift whenever you want to--whenever you need to.
All of us should have found something that we come home to. All of us should have something we can call our own; something we know we're good at. All that it takes is a little bit of creativity and having passion for the growth of that gift. We should all be thankful of what we have. Whether it be a knack for saying the right words or having people open up or mixing colors on a canvas or just plain 'ole writing.
Nobody can take your gift away from you. Why don't we all build on that idea?
Find yours and let it grow.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
On Inevitability
On Inevitability
Lately, I have been witness to inevitability and to the things it can do to people. It can destroy as well as rebuild; it can heal as much as it can break hearts. For me, inevitability is something like a predator that is stalking you. Soon, there will be nothing to hide and nowhere to go to. You ultimately succumb to its power. And something in me is not comfortable with something such as powerlessness. I cannot be contained. I choose not to be because I am not a statistic.
People all around us give up so easily because they feel that everything else will end in flames. Although this is not far from the truth, still we should be bearers of optimism because nobody likes the sting of the cynical.
Although I have to admit that I am as guilty as the next person when it comes to giving up, I still would like to think that there is something good left in me even if a lot of people think otherwise. Sometimes, I actually believe that I am someone who is inadequate and self-centered. But most of the time, I just feel like a boy losing a battle against a giant tide. And when I struggle to surface for air, it seems as if another wave is already over my head--ready to bring me down. Sometimes I almost don't want to go up anymore.
The strength of the waves in my life is pinning me down deeper the depths. All I can do right now is keep on fighting my way up for air because that's the only way I don't drown.
Lately, I have been witness to inevitability and to the things it can do to people. It can destroy as well as rebuild; it can heal as much as it can break hearts. For me, inevitability is something like a predator that is stalking you. Soon, there will be nothing to hide and nowhere to go to. You ultimately succumb to its power. And something in me is not comfortable with something such as powerlessness. I cannot be contained. I choose not to be because I am not a statistic.
People all around us give up so easily because they feel that everything else will end in flames. Although this is not far from the truth, still we should be bearers of optimism because nobody likes the sting of the cynical.
Although I have to admit that I am as guilty as the next person when it comes to giving up, I still would like to think that there is something good left in me even if a lot of people think otherwise. Sometimes, I actually believe that I am someone who is inadequate and self-centered. But most of the time, I just feel like a boy losing a battle against a giant tide. And when I struggle to surface for air, it seems as if another wave is already over my head--ready to bring me down. Sometimes I almost don't want to go up anymore.
The strength of the waves in my life is pinning me down deeper the depths. All I can do right now is keep on fighting my way up for air because that's the only way I don't drown.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Paradigm Shift
Paradigm Shift
I think we lose the inner child in us when we grow older. And I believe it's just something that we really experience when life gets us down too many times; when we're swamped with work and all of the unimportant things in life. Sometimes we forget the first time we rode a rollercoaster or maybe the school-sponsored ferris wheel during our Foundation Day.
We forget the very first time we bought a pair of shoes that we really, absolutely, undeniably loved; and the feeling that came over us when we first started walking with them.
We forget the time that we laughed so hard that we were crying and having abdominal cramps because the more we tried to stop laughing, the harder it became to stop it.
We forget the first time we ever smiled at someone we didn't know.
To other people, it might have been a long time ago since they've done these things and for others, it might not even be as important because they can rent ferris wheels or can buy an entire shelf of new arrivals from Nike or can go to comedy clubs for laughs.
Some people never mind the little things anymore..the important things.
Some people just go through life without even taking part in it. They just manage to fit into the scheme of things without any hesitation. People sometimes go to work and act like an on/off switch. Everything else is automatic; everything else is routine, robotic, disconnected and aloof. You work, eat, work some more and then leave. The next day, the process begins anew.
A radio would probably have more life in it through the varying bars of its equalizer.
Everything around us has basically made the world a little smaller but it has also helped create an even bigger complancency--that of deciding not to reach out. We have almost lost touch with who we really are and we have exchanged it with something that we know is a lie. Sometimes, when I feel excited about something I wonder if the person next to me still feels that same feeling. We have been ruled by the hand that feeds us and we have succumbed to the cynical, the untrue and the pessimism that the world holds so dear.
We all lose touch of our inner child at some point in time. We only need to rekindle the magic that captured our hearts when we saw everything else in a different light.
All it takes is a little paradigm shift.
I think we lose the inner child in us when we grow older. And I believe it's just something that we really experience when life gets us down too many times; when we're swamped with work and all of the unimportant things in life. Sometimes we forget the first time we rode a rollercoaster or maybe the school-sponsored ferris wheel during our Foundation Day.
We forget the very first time we bought a pair of shoes that we really, absolutely, undeniably loved; and the feeling that came over us when we first started walking with them.
We forget the time that we laughed so hard that we were crying and having abdominal cramps because the more we tried to stop laughing, the harder it became to stop it.
We forget the first time we ever smiled at someone we didn't know.
To other people, it might have been a long time ago since they've done these things and for others, it might not even be as important because they can rent ferris wheels or can buy an entire shelf of new arrivals from Nike or can go to comedy clubs for laughs.
Some people never mind the little things anymore..the important things.
Some people just go through life without even taking part in it. They just manage to fit into the scheme of things without any hesitation. People sometimes go to work and act like an on/off switch. Everything else is automatic; everything else is routine, robotic, disconnected and aloof. You work, eat, work some more and then leave. The next day, the process begins anew.
A radio would probably have more life in it through the varying bars of its equalizer.
Everything around us has basically made the world a little smaller but it has also helped create an even bigger complancency--that of deciding not to reach out. We have almost lost touch with who we really are and we have exchanged it with something that we know is a lie. Sometimes, when I feel excited about something I wonder if the person next to me still feels that same feeling. We have been ruled by the hand that feeds us and we have succumbed to the cynical, the untrue and the pessimism that the world holds so dear.
We all lose touch of our inner child at some point in time. We only need to rekindle the magic that captured our hearts when we saw everything else in a different light.
All it takes is a little paradigm shift.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Notice To The Public
Notice To The Public
I'm in a slump right now. Not an emotional one but more of a writing slump. It's something like shooting 10 straight bricks in a basketball game. And I don't seem to have the same urgency in me to come up with material. It's probably because of fatigue. I haven't been sleeping really well these past few days. I guess the insomnia is kicking in again.
Anyway, I was thinking of giving my blog some uniformity when it comes to the content that I'll be putting in it. So, very soon, I'll be having one week dedicated to a certain theme or central idea. Of course there will be some occasional unrelated rants or raves like the one with Erik Mana but nonetheless, my blog will still have the same look and feel.
If anybody has any suggestion, please let me know. :)
I'm in a slump right now. Not an emotional one but more of a writing slump. It's something like shooting 10 straight bricks in a basketball game. And I don't seem to have the same urgency in me to come up with material. It's probably because of fatigue. I haven't been sleeping really well these past few days. I guess the insomnia is kicking in again.
Anyway, I was thinking of giving my blog some uniformity when it comes to the content that I'll be putting in it. So, very soon, I'll be having one week dedicated to a certain theme or central idea. Of course there will be some occasional unrelated rants or raves like the one with Erik Mana but nonetheless, my blog will still have the same look and feel.
If anybody has any suggestion, please let me know. :)
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Starstruck
Starstruck
I just got starstruck. Bad.
I met Rannie Raymundo and Erik Mana in the flesh last night!
All I could say is that I chose a pretty good night to tag along with my friend.
Now I know the feeling. =)
I just got starstruck. Bad.
I met Rannie Raymundo and Erik Mana in the flesh last night!
All I could say is that I chose a pretty good night to tag along with my friend.
Now I know the feeling. =)
Saturday, August 07, 2004
1:57 AM
1:57 AM
Dearest Nina,
I do not have the faintest idea of what you are thinking right now. I don't even want to pretend to know. But I am hoping for the best and expecting the worst. After our Great Misunderstanding last June, I am quite certain that your perception of who I am has deeply changed. For the worst, that is.
To you and your friends, I will be branded as "the-one-who-never-understood-you". And I readily concede to that title because I was always reversing roles with you when it came to who was right and who was wrong. This time, I am the guilty party but I still feel that we still had a lot to talk about. I don't want to point any fingers anymore because I really want to start all over again. But I know that will not happen anymore.
I have waited for two years to get back together with you. I have thought about the things that have led me to this decision to get up and try again. And I believe I have made this decision 6 months ago. I just wanted everything to be perfect that's why I delayed it this long. I wanted to get back together at the same time that you said "Yes" to me that sleep-stricken morning--1:57AM.
It has been 2 years but now, on the most important occasion of my life, I am unable to text, call or e-mail you because you told me not to. You got angry at me because I guess I deserved that kind of attitude from you. You might want to say that you got fed up with all of the bullsh*t that I've given you.
I would like to say sorry but I won't because it has been a word that has been overused in our relationship. I even think it has lost its meaning for me. But I still am regretful of the things that I have done to you in the past. And if given the choice, I would choose not to have met you at all so I couldn't hurt you how I did the past three years; how I'm hurting you right now. If ever I would be saying those words to you again, I would really mean it.
So now, on our "anniversary", I would still like to let you know that I still care for you and that I still love you. I miss you everyday. And when I look out the windows of my office my mind lingers on to the times we would smile at each other and suddenly feel our hearts beat a little faster. You were my dream girl but I didn't know what I had in you until you were gone.
I'm sorry Nina. I hope one sweet day, you can forgive me. I hope that a miracle will come to our lives and lead us back into each other's presence.
Until then,
Zeus
Better days.
Dearest Nina,
I do not have the faintest idea of what you are thinking right now. I don't even want to pretend to know. But I am hoping for the best and expecting the worst. After our Great Misunderstanding last June, I am quite certain that your perception of who I am has deeply changed. For the worst, that is.
To you and your friends, I will be branded as "the-one-who-never-understood-you". And I readily concede to that title because I was always reversing roles with you when it came to who was right and who was wrong. This time, I am the guilty party but I still feel that we still had a lot to talk about. I don't want to point any fingers anymore because I really want to start all over again. But I know that will not happen anymore.
I have waited for two years to get back together with you. I have thought about the things that have led me to this decision to get up and try again. And I believe I have made this decision 6 months ago. I just wanted everything to be perfect that's why I delayed it this long. I wanted to get back together at the same time that you said "Yes" to me that sleep-stricken morning--1:57AM.
It has been 2 years but now, on the most important occasion of my life, I am unable to text, call or e-mail you because you told me not to. You got angry at me because I guess I deserved that kind of attitude from you. You might want to say that you got fed up with all of the bullsh*t that I've given you.
I would like to say sorry but I won't because it has been a word that has been overused in our relationship. I even think it has lost its meaning for me. But I still am regretful of the things that I have done to you in the past. And if given the choice, I would choose not to have met you at all so I couldn't hurt you how I did the past three years; how I'm hurting you right now. If ever I would be saying those words to you again, I would really mean it.
So now, on our "anniversary", I would still like to let you know that I still care for you and that I still love you. I miss you everyday. And when I look out the windows of my office my mind lingers on to the times we would smile at each other and suddenly feel our hearts beat a little faster. You were my dream girl but I didn't know what I had in you until you were gone.
I'm sorry Nina. I hope one sweet day, you can forgive me. I hope that a miracle will come to our lives and lead us back into each other's presence.
Until then,
Zeus
Better days.
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Pensive Expressions
Pensive Expressions
It is one of those times again wherein I wonder how in the world I was able to survive the day. I try to piece together everything and everyone that has helped me get through the day unscathed. And I thank each and every one of you. You guys know who you are--those who talk to me, those who comfort me, those people who listen to me and my tale of woe...
"The Graying of Skies"
by Zeus Martinez
As I wake up to a squalid world
I am greeted by squeaking doors
and the torn windows of my empty room
And the picture frames are bare
I struggle to bring back the memory of you
For it is a long-forgotten tale
Because you have left me for false comfort
Where now is your love?
I try and fail to describe that day;
that day we said farewell
That time my sun set in sorrow
and never rose again.
...and to YOU, you know who you are. I miss you so much. I know it will not faze you even one bit, but I still want you to know that I dream and think about you everyday.
Everyday.
I really wish I never wake up. If I could hold on to those dreams forever, I would.
It is one of those times again wherein I wonder how in the world I was able to survive the day. I try to piece together everything and everyone that has helped me get through the day unscathed. And I thank each and every one of you. You guys know who you are--those who talk to me, those who comfort me, those people who listen to me and my tale of woe...
"The Graying of Skies"
by Zeus Martinez
As I wake up to a squalid world
I am greeted by squeaking doors
and the torn windows of my empty room
And the picture frames are bare
I struggle to bring back the memory of you
For it is a long-forgotten tale
Because you have left me for false comfort
Where now is your love?
I try and fail to describe that day;
that day we said farewell
That time my sun set in sorrow
and never rose again.
...and to YOU, you know who you are. I miss you so much. I know it will not faze you even one bit, but I still want you to know that I dream and think about you everyday.
Everyday.
I really wish I never wake up. If I could hold on to those dreams forever, I would.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
The Thickening Haze
The Thickening Haze
At the time of this entry's typing, I was currently in the office, literally on my 11th hour. It just so happened that doing a report for a tedious Thursday meeting the next day seemed like a more attractive idea to me at the time. I guess I just remember what Alanis Morisette said in one of his Jagged Little Pill hits:
"I'm tired but I'm working yeah!"
It's such pitiful thing that we take our jobs for granted sometimes. Maybe we feel like we have the short end of the stick because we're constantly under watchful eyes of a supervisor; or maybe because we can't surf Friendster without using a proxy site to get through the company's firewall. In the end, we should all be thankful because we have something we can hold onto, something that can divert our thoughts from the worries that plague our minds. After all, the majority of the people in our country don't have a stable job, steady source of income or even Internet access.
Each day that passes by, I recognize the importance of working the 9 to 5 job. Each and every setting of the sun, I am thankful that I have a job that I can run to when I have problems. A little time spent with something can do strange things to people. More of like a prison, the first time you enter it, you can't stop bad-mouthing your work, but in the end, you get institutionalized by the corporate walls and then after a tenure of 30 or more years, you can't seem to separate yourself from the idea of it.
Some people understand the finality and the seriousness of work and maybe that is why those types of people hold onto their jobs with all their heart and soul because they know that within that community, they are special, within that particular building, they are people with a capital "P". They are greeted by the courteous guards with a smile; they are patted on their backs by their beloved clients and are welcomed with open arms by their colleagues after an unforseen hiatus. Work becomes a second family for some people. And for a select few, it becomes their spouse.
It's not surprising to see some people sacrifice a lot for their jobs. For something that is so dear to one's heart, some people don't believe anything should come before someone else's job.
I, on the other hand, am at the point of being swayed. I am at a grey area right now and there is nothing I would like to have than a little bit of clarity.
At the time of this entry's typing, I was currently in the office, literally on my 11th hour. It just so happened that doing a report for a tedious Thursday meeting the next day seemed like a more attractive idea to me at the time. I guess I just remember what Alanis Morisette said in one of his Jagged Little Pill hits:
It's such pitiful thing that we take our jobs for granted sometimes. Maybe we feel like we have the short end of the stick because we're constantly under watchful eyes of a supervisor; or maybe because we can't surf Friendster without using a proxy site to get through the company's firewall. In the end, we should all be thankful because we have something we can hold onto, something that can divert our thoughts from the worries that plague our minds. After all, the majority of the people in our country don't have a stable job, steady source of income or even Internet access.
Each day that passes by, I recognize the importance of working the 9 to 5 job. Each and every setting of the sun, I am thankful that I have a job that I can run to when I have problems. A little time spent with something can do strange things to people. More of like a prison, the first time you enter it, you can't stop bad-mouthing your work, but in the end, you get institutionalized by the corporate walls and then after a tenure of 30 or more years, you can't seem to separate yourself from the idea of it.
Some people understand the finality and the seriousness of work and maybe that is why those types of people hold onto their jobs with all their heart and soul because they know that within that community, they are special, within that particular building, they are people with a capital "P". They are greeted by the courteous guards with a smile; they are patted on their backs by their beloved clients and are welcomed with open arms by their colleagues after an unforseen hiatus. Work becomes a second family for some people. And for a select few, it becomes their spouse.
It's not surprising to see some people sacrifice a lot for their jobs. For something that is so dear to one's heart, some people don't believe anything should come before someone else's job.
I, on the other hand, am at the point of being swayed. I am at a grey area right now and there is nothing I would like to have than a little bit of clarity.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust
Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust
I had a YM conversation with Hazel yesterday. She's one of my good colleagues here at work. She said something that probably summed up what I was feeling at that moment:
"being alone is the breeding ground for insanity...."
I couldn't agree more.
Sunday was a burden to go through. It wasn't because I had a previous obligation to attend to or that I had an altercation with someone. I just felt so alone at that time. I literally felt tired because of the solitude. And yesterday, through the smiles and little moments of levity, I just felt so alone in this world. It just so happens that I'm very good in hiding what I'm feeling. Maybe that's why no one ever figures out suicides. You never even imagine that this one person whom you've just seen a couple of days or weeks ago is capable of ending it all.
And you heard their laughter and saw their made-up smiles but you never saw through such walls. And you just couldn't figure out why they did something as irrational as killing themself. That is, until you piece together each and every evidence that will further lay waste to the mourning and grieving. Until you realize that they always liked to be alone; until you realize that they never had any enemies--as well as friends.
And then you let out that sigh that forever leaves you empty and helpless.
Maybe for some individuals, ending it all isn't as irrational as it may seem to us. Maybe for them, it's the most rational thing to do because that's the only way to end all of their pain; that maybe the only way to be at peace is to feel nothing at all, to forever numb the heart and stop the rage and confusion and most of all, the memories.
I wonder if it ever works.
I had a YM conversation with Hazel yesterday. She's one of my good colleagues here at work. She said something that probably summed up what I was feeling at that moment:
"being alone is the breeding ground for insanity...."
I couldn't agree more.
Sunday was a burden to go through. It wasn't because I had a previous obligation to attend to or that I had an altercation with someone. I just felt so alone at that time. I literally felt tired because of the solitude. And yesterday, through the smiles and little moments of levity, I just felt so alone in this world. It just so happens that I'm very good in hiding what I'm feeling. Maybe that's why no one ever figures out suicides. You never even imagine that this one person whom you've just seen a couple of days or weeks ago is capable of ending it all.
And you heard their laughter and saw their made-up smiles but you never saw through such walls. And you just couldn't figure out why they did something as irrational as killing themself. That is, until you piece together each and every evidence that will further lay waste to the mourning and grieving. Until you realize that they always liked to be alone; until you realize that they never had any enemies--as well as friends.
And then you let out that sigh that forever leaves you empty and helpless.
Maybe for some individuals, ending it all isn't as irrational as it may seem to us. Maybe for them, it's the most rational thing to do because that's the only way to end all of their pain; that maybe the only way to be at peace is to feel nothing at all, to forever numb the heart and stop the rage and confusion and most of all, the memories.
I wonder if it ever works.
