Revelations
It’s been one hell of a week but I can say that today really was the coup de grace. I was walking in the mall during lunch hour when I had an epiphany. I just realized that I was alone in my pain. I was hurting….alone. And I couldn’t run to anybody. I couldn’t find people whom I could confide in and say that I would give anything to get a pat on the back or even a hug. I miss college. You could get hugs for free back then. Now, you need to find someone you’ve never hung out with for the past 6 months. Disheartening, isn’t it?
Anyway, I realized during my lunch out with Solitude, that the world never stops for you. It doesn’t care at all. I remember I was at this point in my life when I was a senior in high school and I can clearly remember moving forward in the school year from one grading period to the next. And today, I was in the same position…hurting for the same reason. And as I looked around the tables and chairs that surrounded me, no one cared if I was hurting.
No one broke any plates or even gasped; no one furrowed his brow to show any concern.
And the feeling drowned me in its somber grip until the writing of this passage. The rains poured down as if there were no tomorrow and I was hopelessly lost in another state of despair. Sometimes, you just can’t get away from these days and no matter how stoic you would like to remain, people still catch on to you and your secrets.
Regina and I were having a YM conversation and she said: “ur good u just wont admit it!”
One of the feel-good highlights of my dejected Friday. I really dig her optimism. Infectious, is what I would like to call it.
I’ve proven again that you find friends in the strangest of places and pillars of strength in the most humble of persons.
Friday, July 23, 2004
Thursday, July 22, 2004
To End The Day
To End The Day
It's such a wonderful feeling when you do something right. It's a quiet contentment that swirls around you when you absolutely know that you've done something right. It feels like a sense of relief has washed all over you.
I brought my bestfriend pizza tonight because I knew she had a terrible day. She absolutely loved it and I couldn't help but smile when I was reading her text. "Champion!", she exclaimed.
It's so nice to put your happiness in the simplest of things.
Some people prefer to put theirs in pizza.
I'm just content to put mine in another person's smile.
It's such a wonderful feeling when you do something right. It's a quiet contentment that swirls around you when you absolutely know that you've done something right. It feels like a sense of relief has washed all over you.
I brought my bestfriend pizza tonight because I knew she had a terrible day. She absolutely loved it and I couldn't help but smile when I was reading her text. "Champion!", she exclaimed.
It's so nice to put your happiness in the simplest of things.
Some people prefer to put theirs in pizza.
I'm just content to put mine in another person's smile.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
On Letting Go
On Letting Go
One of the more real things in this world is the fact that sooner or later, we will have to let go of something. For our first encounter with the concept of finality it shouldn't be even the loss of a bestfriend, a relationship or (Heaven forbid) a loved one in the family.
My first tears were shed for a pair of electric blue Mighty Kid® shoes.
I can clearly remember that time. I was about 5 years old and I remember asking my yaya where my favorite pair of shoes were while she was trying to put on the new pair my parents bought for me. It just suddenly dawned on me that I didn't want a new pair. I wanted my electric blues. And when she told me she couldn't find it, I cried my heart out. That was probably my first memory of crying over something material.
By the way, I found my Mighty Kids® that same day. When my mom led me to the dusty old cabinet we had in the library, I saw my shoes and I couldn't help but notice that they weren't as shiny as before. Its colors seemed to pale in comparison to the new pair that I had. I tried them on and they fit like a glove. Everything was perfect but sooner I had to let go.
In our lives we have people we seem to can't let go of. More often that not, these are borne out of our own choice to keep the routine going; to pretend that everything else is fine because we had wonderful memories together. Sometimes, it is because we love the person so much that we cannot bear to picture life without that person. But eventually, when you step away from all the chaos; when you're already seated at the balcony, you view a different perspective that wasn't at all possible before.
That's when you know that you probably had enough. Or maybe the time given to the two of you is already up.
For some people like me, I see a worn-out pair of shoes that won't be able to support my feet because underneath its dulling color, the sole is already breaking. And to walk with them would certainly bring more calluses to my already blistered heels.
Letting go is such a hard thing to do. But for some people, it becomes more of a necessity than an alternative. Sometimes, we just have to let the wounds heal and go on our separate ways and hope against hope that one day, we find ourselves face to face with our past. This time, with clearer minds; this time with the maturity that time ultimately brings.
One of the more real things in this world is the fact that sooner or later, we will have to let go of something. For our first encounter with the concept of finality it shouldn't be even the loss of a bestfriend, a relationship or (Heaven forbid) a loved one in the family.
My first tears were shed for a pair of electric blue Mighty Kid® shoes.
I can clearly remember that time. I was about 5 years old and I remember asking my yaya where my favorite pair of shoes were while she was trying to put on the new pair my parents bought for me. It just suddenly dawned on me that I didn't want a new pair. I wanted my electric blues. And when she told me she couldn't find it, I cried my heart out. That was probably my first memory of crying over something material.
By the way, I found my Mighty Kids® that same day. When my mom led me to the dusty old cabinet we had in the library, I saw my shoes and I couldn't help but notice that they weren't as shiny as before. Its colors seemed to pale in comparison to the new pair that I had. I tried them on and they fit like a glove. Everything was perfect but sooner I had to let go.
In our lives we have people we seem to can't let go of. More often that not, these are borne out of our own choice to keep the routine going; to pretend that everything else is fine because we had wonderful memories together. Sometimes, it is because we love the person so much that we cannot bear to picture life without that person. But eventually, when you step away from all the chaos; when you're already seated at the balcony, you view a different perspective that wasn't at all possible before.
That's when you know that you probably had enough. Or maybe the time given to the two of you is already up.
For some people like me, I see a worn-out pair of shoes that won't be able to support my feet because underneath its dulling color, the sole is already breaking. And to walk with them would certainly bring more calluses to my already blistered heels.
Letting go is such a hard thing to do. But for some people, it becomes more of a necessity than an alternative. Sometimes, we just have to let the wounds heal and go on our separate ways and hope against hope that one day, we find ourselves face to face with our past. This time, with clearer minds; this time with the maturity that time ultimately brings.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Complacency Kills
Complacency Kills
It’s been a while since the sun shone in all its glory. We’ve been having days when the sun would go up early and would then be eclipsed by the clouds and the gloom that comes with it. It’s been an on and off thing. All you can do is just wait for the seemingly predictable pattern to fade away. Sometimes, all we need in our lives is a hefty helping of change.
Within the past year, I’ve encountered more changes than what I could have possibly hoped to handle. I’ve switched jobs, left friends, disappointed people, took up new hobbies. Damn, I even have a new favorite NBA team. It’s just nothing short of a miracle that I am able to say all of this considering all of the depression that I’ve gone through the past years. I’m just thankful because I really did not expect to last this long. Then again, all of us are unaware of our time of reckoning.
All I’m saying is that sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, we need it more than it needs us. Because when we slip into that circle of complacency, that stagnant state of habit; that’s when everything else comes crumbling down. In relation to a Spanish soap opera that has Tagalog dubbing in it, that’s when the husband knows that his wife has already left him for someone who has given her more time and attention.
Complacency kills.
And I don’t even have to illustrate how. Everybody knows how the story ends.
Sometimes, to become a better person, we should be exposed to a certain amount of pain; a definite string of disappointments, before we can learn to appreciate what we have. We sometimes have to lose the remaining P20.00 that we have in our wallet to learn its value; that during a rainy day in the middle of Ortigas, that’s the only way home for a commuter like me.
I am fortunate enough to come home dry these past days. Let’s hope the only thing that doesn’t change is my luck.
It’s been a while since the sun shone in all its glory. We’ve been having days when the sun would go up early and would then be eclipsed by the clouds and the gloom that comes with it. It’s been an on and off thing. All you can do is just wait for the seemingly predictable pattern to fade away. Sometimes, all we need in our lives is a hefty helping of change.
Within the past year, I’ve encountered more changes than what I could have possibly hoped to handle. I’ve switched jobs, left friends, disappointed people, took up new hobbies. Damn, I even have a new favorite NBA team. It’s just nothing short of a miracle that I am able to say all of this considering all of the depression that I’ve gone through the past years. I’m just thankful because I really did not expect to last this long. Then again, all of us are unaware of our time of reckoning.
All I’m saying is that sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, we need it more than it needs us. Because when we slip into that circle of complacency, that stagnant state of habit; that’s when everything else comes crumbling down. In relation to a Spanish soap opera that has Tagalog dubbing in it, that’s when the husband knows that his wife has already left him for someone who has given her more time and attention.
Complacency kills.
And I don’t even have to illustrate how. Everybody knows how the story ends.
Sometimes, to become a better person, we should be exposed to a certain amount of pain; a definite string of disappointments, before we can learn to appreciate what we have. We sometimes have to lose the remaining P20.00 that we have in our wallet to learn its value; that during a rainy day in the middle of Ortigas, that’s the only way home for a commuter like me.
I am fortunate enough to come home dry these past days. Let’s hope the only thing that doesn’t change is my luck.
Monday, July 19, 2004
My Dependence on Despair
My Dependence on Despair
Before anything else, let me make it clear that this is not another one of those sad posts that I normally make.
I was going through some of the poems that I made before and most, if not all, of them share only two themes: love and sadness. I find it very fascinating that people write the most beautiful lines when they feel these two emotions. In my case, I think some of my better poems were made when I was down; when I was nearing the brink.
I am just relieved that I have an outlet in writing. I never thought it would bring me a sense of peace and a security of sorts.
Expressing myself through writing has always been my therapy. Even though I despair most of the time, I’m still thankful that I have so much to write about. Life is all about attitude I guess. Everybody needs to have their perspectives made over. I hope this is the start.
"Before the Slumber"
by Zeus Martinez
I speak of a thousand heartbreaks.
I claim the sadness of the world.
and for the briefest of Eternities,
the tears start to fall.
And in the descent of water and salt
I find the union of hope and despair.
My eyes gaze upon the clear sky
which bades dark hues from afar.
I sing the saddest of songs
while caught in the dirge of innumerables
lazily making their way down the earth.
I am soaked but I am still thirsty.
It seems that I am otherwise trapped
in this fleeting melancholy
and I cannot wait to break free
to manage a faint smile before I sleep.
Like I said, the better ones were made when I was down. I guess for some people, inspiration will only come with tribulation.
Before anything else, let me make it clear that this is not another one of those sad posts that I normally make.
I was going through some of the poems that I made before and most, if not all, of them share only two themes: love and sadness. I find it very fascinating that people write the most beautiful lines when they feel these two emotions. In my case, I think some of my better poems were made when I was down; when I was nearing the brink.
I am just relieved that I have an outlet in writing. I never thought it would bring me a sense of peace and a security of sorts.
Expressing myself through writing has always been my therapy. Even though I despair most of the time, I’m still thankful that I have so much to write about. Life is all about attitude I guess. Everybody needs to have their perspectives made over. I hope this is the start.
"Before the Slumber"
by Zeus Martinez
I speak of a thousand heartbreaks.
I claim the sadness of the world.
and for the briefest of Eternities,
the tears start to fall.
And in the descent of water and salt
I find the union of hope and despair.
My eyes gaze upon the clear sky
which bades dark hues from afar.
I sing the saddest of songs
while caught in the dirge of innumerables
lazily making their way down the earth.
I am soaked but I am still thirsty.
It seems that I am otherwise trapped
in this fleeting melancholy
and I cannot wait to break free
to manage a faint smile before I sleep.
Like I said, the better ones were made when I was down. I guess for some people, inspiration will only come with tribulation.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Surprise, Surprise!
Surprise, Surprise!
Yesterday was a happy day for me. I helped throw my friend A.J. a surprise debut birthday party for my friend of 13 years. I guess he was surprised enough because all he could say to his cousin while flashing a really wide smile:
(Eh sa nakalimutan yung definition ng "surprise" eh! 'Yaan mo na, birthday naman eh. Hehe!)
Us friends had a blast just recounting that moment over and over again. :) Another one for the books.
Thirteen years. When you say it out loud, you wonder where those years went. And then you start to look back to your past. You suddenly realize that time doesn't wait for anyone. It flies by so fast that 13 years may come as quick as a blink of an eye.
I had so much fun yesterday because me and my friends were all there. You realize that these are the friends that you've been seeing each and every year when this particular date arrives. It's comforting to know that some things never change.
It's been 13 years and counting.
Can't wait for the next decade to come.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ®
I think I already know why people are so engrossed about work. I think I'm already getting a glimpse of why work is so important to the Average Joe--or in our case, the Average Juan.
I believe that people revere work so much because it lets them escape their problems even for a very short while. It gives people the excuse to not think about their worries even for just a few number of hours because they have something more important to attend to at work. We wear our own personal masks in the office everyday and we don't even know it. After we argue with our parents before we leave the house, we return to the sanctuary of the workplace where another world awaits us--different responsibilities and different people to talk relate to. Everything is just not related to the problems that we have outside of these corporate walls.
And so I believe that to some people, the workplace isn’t that much of a prison as it is more of a haven of sorts. People go to work to make a living but I think work gives so much more back to the individual. I feel that work gives people a sense of purpose in life. I feel that work gives people the temporary relief they cannot find when in the presence of the people they come into contact day in and day out. It’s very strange because the people that we call family are the ones who make us feel bad day in and day out; they’re the ones who hurt us the most. (although I have to confess, all of us have our better days) And when people immerse themselves in work, they are given the chance to forget every hurtful word, every misdeed, every annoyance that happens in their life.
Sometimes, all I want to do is forget everything.
They say familiarity breeds contempt. I, on the other hand, disagree. I think familiarity breeds apathy and indifference.
Of course, not everybody will be able to relate to this. Not everybody has a dysfunctional family. I am still waiting for that Eternal Sunshine that will come and take all my trauma away.
I think I already know why people are so engrossed about work. I think I'm already getting a glimpse of why work is so important to the Average Joe--or in our case, the Average Juan.
I believe that people revere work so much because it lets them escape their problems even for a very short while. It gives people the excuse to not think about their worries even for just a few number of hours because they have something more important to attend to at work. We wear our own personal masks in the office everyday and we don't even know it. After we argue with our parents before we leave the house, we return to the sanctuary of the workplace where another world awaits us--different responsibilities and different people to talk relate to. Everything is just not related to the problems that we have outside of these corporate walls.
And so I believe that to some people, the workplace isn’t that much of a prison as it is more of a haven of sorts. People go to work to make a living but I think work gives so much more back to the individual. I feel that work gives people a sense of purpose in life. I feel that work gives people the temporary relief they cannot find when in the presence of the people they come into contact day in and day out. It’s very strange because the people that we call family are the ones who make us feel bad day in and day out; they’re the ones who hurt us the most. (although I have to confess, all of us have our better days) And when people immerse themselves in work, they are given the chance to forget every hurtful word, every misdeed, every annoyance that happens in their life.
Sometimes, all I want to do is forget everything.
They say familiarity breeds contempt. I, on the other hand, disagree. I think familiarity breeds apathy and indifference.
Of course, not everybody will be able to relate to this. Not everybody has a dysfunctional family. I am still waiting for that Eternal Sunshine that will come and take all my trauma away.
Monday, July 12, 2004
The Big Picture
The Big Picture
I've always believed that when one door closes, another one opens. The funny thing is, sometimes, I find it difficult to look for the one that supposedly opened. I guess that's the way it is when you're so confused.
To tell you the truth, I don't think I've ever been as confused about my life as I am right now. I might blame it to the fact that I've already had two jobs in as many years, or to the many disappointments that I've encountered since I learned to cry.
Yes I am confused. And lost.
But I know there are doors that I still need to look for. They are out there, waiting for me; they are calling out my name.
In my search, I struggle to find that door and most of the time, I fail. Miserably. But that's only because I never realize that I've been standing in front of it like an ant standing on Heaven's gates.
Sometimes, we only need but to step back and look the grandeur that's in front of us to realize what we have.
I've always believed that when one door closes, another one opens. The funny thing is, sometimes, I find it difficult to look for the one that supposedly opened. I guess that's the way it is when you're so confused.
To tell you the truth, I don't think I've ever been as confused about my life as I am right now. I might blame it to the fact that I've already had two jobs in as many years, or to the many disappointments that I've encountered since I learned to cry.
Yes I am confused. And lost.
But I know there are doors that I still need to look for. They are out there, waiting for me; they are calling out my name.
In my search, I struggle to find that door and most of the time, I fail. Miserably. But that's only because I never realize that I've been standing in front of it like an ant standing on Heaven's gates.
Sometimes, we only need but to step back and look the grandeur that's in front of us to realize what we have.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Anywhere But Here
Anywhere But Here
I don't think anyone will ever understand me.
I say this because I myself find it hard to comprehend the enigma that is me. The feeling is similar to a rollercoaster plunge--you can't think straight. And when you even attempt to, the fleeting moment will not be enough because you know there's a giant loop coming your way. Sometimes, that's how I feel when I try to think. After having a monologue with my inner self about a troubling matter, I always find my mind drifting to a different thought; I always find myself having a million and one musings that can never be replaced by a sense of peace. At least not now.
It is a tiring fight that I fight. And sometimes, I wish that I can just throw in the towel and give up. I wish there was an easy way out...an easy way to end all of the pain but I have seen firsthand that the easy way out is nothing but a false promise. There is nothing easy in this earth. Not in this day and age. And especially not in this country. But enough of the side remarks.
If there's ever any one person I would like to meet, it would be someone who would totally understand what I've done and who I am. I would want to meet someone who shares the same pain and shame that I nurse day in and day out. I would want to meet someone who would accept my frailties and weaknesses and tell me that it's okay to make mistakes sometimes because after all, we're only human.
There comes a time in every person's life, where he must choose whether he will go on and continue the journey; whether he will steadily walk the arduous road ahead without looking back. And believe me, the decision to go on will never be easy. From a distance, it would seem that the challenge is daunting and that the only option for you is to walk away and end it all. But when you come up close and struggle to see the good that lies within, you cannot help but take that first step of faith and continue walking...to where, you never know.
All that's keeping you going is the thought of staying anywhere but here.
I don't think anyone will ever understand me.
I say this because I myself find it hard to comprehend the enigma that is me. The feeling is similar to a rollercoaster plunge--you can't think straight. And when you even attempt to, the fleeting moment will not be enough because you know there's a giant loop coming your way. Sometimes, that's how I feel when I try to think. After having a monologue with my inner self about a troubling matter, I always find my mind drifting to a different thought; I always find myself having a million and one musings that can never be replaced by a sense of peace. At least not now.
It is a tiring fight that I fight. And sometimes, I wish that I can just throw in the towel and give up. I wish there was an easy way out...an easy way to end all of the pain but I have seen firsthand that the easy way out is nothing but a false promise. There is nothing easy in this earth. Not in this day and age. And especially not in this country. But enough of the side remarks.
If there's ever any one person I would like to meet, it would be someone who would totally understand what I've done and who I am. I would want to meet someone who shares the same pain and shame that I nurse day in and day out. I would want to meet someone who would accept my frailties and weaknesses and tell me that it's okay to make mistakes sometimes because after all, we're only human.
There comes a time in every person's life, where he must choose whether he will go on and continue the journey; whether he will steadily walk the arduous road ahead without looking back. And believe me, the decision to go on will never be easy. From a distance, it would seem that the challenge is daunting and that the only option for you is to walk away and end it all. But when you come up close and struggle to see the good that lies within, you cannot help but take that first step of faith and continue walking...to where, you never know.
All that's keeping you going is the thought of staying anywhere but here.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
The Filipino in the Workplace
The Filipino in the Workplace
I just started working at a day job. That means I wake up at 5:00 AM and I leave the office at 5:00 PM. My waking hours are Philippine hours. That also means I'm exposed to Philippine mediocrity as well.
Case in point:
10 months ago I started to worked for a U.S. company and the atmosphere back then was very strict and leniency was never a part of my supervisors' vocabulary. Each and every second was timed. Everybody knew where you were and what you were doing at any specific time of the day. Or "night", I should say.
Everything that you did was metered; everything was clockwork. And Hell would freeze over before you could even dare to disrupt the machine that they called a Schedule. Everything was done if and only if you had permission from your supervisor. Anything less than that would warrant a verbal warning or worse, a memo.
Just think about it... At a call center, you had to ask permission before you could piss or eat. It felt more like a prison than an office. Except with this type of prison, the walls are made of plastic and they seem taller than they normally are.
But I am not about to fall into a diatribe. Instead I am here to praise the people who work in a call center. I have realized that it is through hard work that you get to have a sense of dignity and importance as a person. It is through sheer force of will that you learn how to muster enough strength to come to the office everyday while suffering a migraine and high blood pressure. I now realize that what I did back then wasn't torture at all but it was work as how it should be defined, explained and practiced in real life. Back then I never understood the importance of a day's work because all I did was focus on the task at hand: satisfy the customers and make the company look good. The latter part might be too shallow for some people but looking back, I believe it should be taught to each and every Filipino employee. Because most of the time, we Filipinos are guilty of not just slacking off but outright apathy for work itself.
So now I can't really blame government for the troubles our country is facing. I may have given up that right because at my current job, it seems that people aren't giving their best. It seems that the urgency that I myself despised in my previous job is nowhere to be found here. I know it's unfair to compare the two because after all, call centers get the best people to manage the best hardware and software whereas with Filipino companies, we're just barely making ends meet by working with operating systems that are slowly being eclipsed by more streamlined ones. It is a striking contrast; nevertheless, it is true.
I don't mean to compare anything but I just know that we can all become better if we just get our act together and decide that we should be working our asses off because we're the same people who troubleshoot other people's problems thousands of miles away; we're the same people who handle the thousand dollar accounts of respected clients in 50 states; we're the same individuals who take the brunt of a customers bad attitude--and we never even flinch while we talk to them.
We are so much better when we do what we're supposed to do. But right now, we're not. I'm just wondering...is it because we're ashamed to be doing work for our fellowmen or is it because we're ashamed to be branded as "Filpinos"?
Change can happen in a man even before he is sentenced to a prison. In the same light, we can also become more than who we are now. Even if it doesn't mean having to speak a foreign language 24/7.
I just started working at a day job. That means I wake up at 5:00 AM and I leave the office at 5:00 PM. My waking hours are Philippine hours. That also means I'm exposed to Philippine mediocrity as well.
Case in point:
10 months ago I started to worked for a U.S. company and the atmosphere back then was very strict and leniency was never a part of my supervisors' vocabulary. Each and every second was timed. Everybody knew where you were and what you were doing at any specific time of the day. Or "night", I should say.
Everything that you did was metered; everything was clockwork. And Hell would freeze over before you could even dare to disrupt the machine that they called a Schedule. Everything was done if and only if you had permission from your supervisor. Anything less than that would warrant a verbal warning or worse, a memo.
Just think about it... At a call center, you had to ask permission before you could piss or eat. It felt more like a prison than an office. Except with this type of prison, the walls are made of plastic and they seem taller than they normally are.
But I am not about to fall into a diatribe. Instead I am here to praise the people who work in a call center. I have realized that it is through hard work that you get to have a sense of dignity and importance as a person. It is through sheer force of will that you learn how to muster enough strength to come to the office everyday while suffering a migraine and high blood pressure. I now realize that what I did back then wasn't torture at all but it was work as how it should be defined, explained and practiced in real life. Back then I never understood the importance of a day's work because all I did was focus on the task at hand: satisfy the customers and make the company look good. The latter part might be too shallow for some people but looking back, I believe it should be taught to each and every Filipino employee. Because most of the time, we Filipinos are guilty of not just slacking off but outright apathy for work itself.
So now I can't really blame government for the troubles our country is facing. I may have given up that right because at my current job, it seems that people aren't giving their best. It seems that the urgency that I myself despised in my previous job is nowhere to be found here. I know it's unfair to compare the two because after all, call centers get the best people to manage the best hardware and software whereas with Filipino companies, we're just barely making ends meet by working with operating systems that are slowly being eclipsed by more streamlined ones. It is a striking contrast; nevertheless, it is true.
I don't mean to compare anything but I just know that we can all become better if we just get our act together and decide that we should be working our asses off because we're the same people who troubleshoot other people's problems thousands of miles away; we're the same people who handle the thousand dollar accounts of respected clients in 50 states; we're the same individuals who take the brunt of a customers bad attitude--and we never even flinch while we talk to them.
We are so much better when we do what we're supposed to do. But right now, we're not. I'm just wondering...is it because we're ashamed to be doing work for our fellowmen or is it because we're ashamed to be branded as "Filpinos"?
Change can happen in a man even before he is sentenced to a prison. In the same light, we can also become more than who we are now. Even if it doesn't mean having to speak a foreign language 24/7.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Recollection
Recollection
I chatted with an old friend today. I couldn't help but feel relieved to know that the more things change, the more they stay the same. She was an old college friend who now lives a life that is as different as mine. We've gone through so many changes and looking back on our conversation, I couldn't disregard the genuine friendship that we still share, regardless of how little we know of each other right now. It's such a good feeling--coming back to old friends, catching up on lost time and staying connected. There's an irony to all of it, actually.
It seems that the more people have access to something, the more they are deprived from it. Just look at our traffic scheme. (Heck, even the word scheme is ironically used!) The more Filipinos had access to their very own cars, eventually, because of the worsening traffic, the Powers That Be implemented the rule that cars with a specific number on their plate could not be used on certain days.
Just as it is with cars, so is it with how people communicate today. We literally do not have any excuse not to catch up on old friends but it seems that we lose touch of them despite the advancement in technology. We could easily reach them through email or text messaging but still their name lies dormant in our online and mobile address book. And sometimes I cannot help but wonder why this is the case nowadays.
People forget about more people today than they did before. Or maybe it's just me?
I chatted with an old friend today. I couldn't help but feel relieved to know that the more things change, the more they stay the same. She was an old college friend who now lives a life that is as different as mine. We've gone through so many changes and looking back on our conversation, I couldn't disregard the genuine friendship that we still share, regardless of how little we know of each other right now. It's such a good feeling--coming back to old friends, catching up on lost time and staying connected. There's an irony to all of it, actually.
It seems that the more people have access to something, the more they are deprived from it. Just look at our traffic scheme. (Heck, even the word scheme is ironically used!) The more Filipinos had access to their very own cars, eventually, because of the worsening traffic, the Powers That Be implemented the rule that cars with a specific number on their plate could not be used on certain days.
Just as it is with cars, so is it with how people communicate today. We literally do not have any excuse not to catch up on old friends but it seems that we lose touch of them despite the advancement in technology. We could easily reach them through email or text messaging but still their name lies dormant in our online and mobile address book. And sometimes I cannot help but wonder why this is the case nowadays.
People forget about more people today than they did before. Or maybe it's just me?
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Thank You For The Music
Thank You For The Music
Sometimes I think I complain too much. I sometimes fool myself into thinking that there is nothing else in this world except disappointment and despair. But of course, I know better. I guess sometimes I, too, forget that there are wonderful things in this world that we need to focus on, that we need to revere and enjoy and be thankful for. And today, I want to pay tribute to a quiet and constant comfort in my life. Today I pay tribute to music.
It's just so comforting to know that music will always be there to see you through the darkest of days. I've always believed that there will always be one song we can relate to when we hear it. Sometimes it even seems that we're the one who wrote the same lyrics we listening to. And sometimes it seems that when we hear this one song, we feel as if it was created just for us and for no one else. It's really a miracle in the making when we hear that one song that defines who we are and what we believe in. You simply cannot comprehend that there's this one song whose words and emotions seemed to flow from our very soul even when we've just listened to it for the very first time.
I cannot be grateful enough for this gift. And in closing, I would like to leave you, my faithful "blog-readers", the chorus to one of my dearest songs; the song that I sleep to...the song that I consider my lullaby:
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
Tonight, I wish each and every one of you the most peaceful of slumbers, the grandest of dreams and the fading of your fears.
Sometimes I think I complain too much. I sometimes fool myself into thinking that there is nothing else in this world except disappointment and despair. But of course, I know better. I guess sometimes I, too, forget that there are wonderful things in this world that we need to focus on, that we need to revere and enjoy and be thankful for. And today, I want to pay tribute to a quiet and constant comfort in my life. Today I pay tribute to music.
It's just so comforting to know that music will always be there to see you through the darkest of days. I've always believed that there will always be one song we can relate to when we hear it. Sometimes it even seems that we're the one who wrote the same lyrics we listening to. And sometimes it seems that when we hear this one song, we feel as if it was created just for us and for no one else. It's really a miracle in the making when we hear that one song that defines who we are and what we believe in. You simply cannot comprehend that there's this one song whose words and emotions seemed to flow from our very soul even when we've just listened to it for the very first time.
I cannot be grateful enough for this gift. And in closing, I would like to leave you, my faithful "blog-readers", the chorus to one of my dearest songs; the song that I sleep to...the song that I consider my lullaby:
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
Tonight, I wish each and every one of you the most peaceful of slumbers, the grandest of dreams and the fading of your fears.
Monday, July 05, 2004
I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect
"I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect..."
PERFECT
by Simple Plan
Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
Can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I take comfort in the knowledge that this, too, shall pass. Thank you to all of the people who support me and give me strength.
PERFECT
by Simple Plan
Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
Can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I take comfort in the knowledge that this, too, shall pass. Thank you to all of the people who support me and give me strength.
24 Years Later
24 Years Later
Yesterday was a different birthday for me.
When I was a teenager of 15 years, I never really thought that 9 years later I'd end up spending my special day with only two of the most special people in my life. To those two, you know who you are. And I thank you for washing away the tears that shouldn't have come and for giving me strength in that day of mixed feelings.
I should have had more than two guests but the hand of God moved and all I could do was watch. You realize that you really do not have any control over anything.
Even over a simple invitation and get-together with your closest and dearest.
A lot of things happened that day.
Some people forgot to greet me while some surprised me.
I guess the saddest part of my 24th birthday isn't the fact that I only had 2 people present out of the 6 invited guests. I am secure with the fact that those four people who couldn't come wish me well. The saddest part was probably the fact that my dad never greeted me Happy Birthday.
Not even a hug or a pat on the shoulder saying: "Ilang taon ka na?"
Absolutely no recognition.
Of course I still cried. But a lot of things made up for it.
1. Anj's chocolate cake - hands down the best chocolate cake I've tasted. EVER!
2. Jom and KV's video surprise for me. - I can't believe I've been had! :)
3. The various text messages during the day.
4. Mommy being the one to greet me first in my family.
5. My sisters and brother greeting me after getting inside the car.
It wasn't entirely happy at all. But whoever said that it was supposed to be like that anyway?
To all the people who greeted me. Thank you very much!
Yesterday was a different birthday for me.
When I was a teenager of 15 years, I never really thought that 9 years later I'd end up spending my special day with only two of the most special people in my life. To those two, you know who you are. And I thank you for washing away the tears that shouldn't have come and for giving me strength in that day of mixed feelings.
I should have had more than two guests but the hand of God moved and all I could do was watch. You realize that you really do not have any control over anything.
Even over a simple invitation and get-together with your closest and dearest.
A lot of things happened that day.
Some people forgot to greet me while some surprised me.
I guess the saddest part of my 24th birthday isn't the fact that I only had 2 people present out of the 6 invited guests. I am secure with the fact that those four people who couldn't come wish me well. The saddest part was probably the fact that my dad never greeted me Happy Birthday.
Not even a hug or a pat on the shoulder saying: "Ilang taon ka na?"
Absolutely no recognition.
Of course I still cried. But a lot of things made up for it.
1. Anj's chocolate cake - hands down the best chocolate cake I've tasted. EVER!
2. Jom and KV's video surprise for me. - I can't believe I've been had! :)
3. The various text messages during the day.
4. Mommy being the one to greet me first in my family.
5. My sisters and brother greeting me after getting inside the car.
It wasn't entirely happy at all. But whoever said that it was supposed to be like that anyway?
To all the people who greeted me. Thank you very much!
Friday, July 02, 2004
The Invisible God
A God of Inequity
Hasn’t it crossed your mind that God is unfair?
And I don’t mean that in a blasphemous or negative way. At all.
I mean think about it. We’ve forgotten Him during times of happiness when He should have been given all the credit, we’ve sinned time and again, we’ve broken our promises to Him…not only once but more times than we’d care to count. We’ve been like the ultimate spoiled problem child and He still manages to give us what we need when we need it.
If that isn’t unfair, I don’t know what is. It’s unfair to Him to be like that and let me tell you why.
We, as creatures of sin, should right now be cast into the eternal torture that is Hell and be made to suffer the most damned of punishments forever and ever. I believe we are entitled to as least that. Each and every one of us.
But God chooses to be unfair. He’s as stubborn as we can never imagine and I think He’s like that because He does it out of love.
I hate it when I remember things like this. It makes me feel all rotten inside. But it’s the good kind of rotten feeling if you can ever relate to what I’m saying right now.
We humans, as enforcers of justice have always acted in a justifiable manner. Someone pisses us off, we throw a fit. This beat-up owner cuts us off at the road, we cut the car in front of us…desperately risk life and limb to catch up with that owner, and then we cut it off as if our life depended on it. We have always had a system of justice with which we adhere to. And with some people, their system is simple: “You mess with me, and you’re gonna wish you were never born you!!!”
What’s my point again?
God is unfair.
He is so because we shouldn’t be where we are right now yet He has chosen to bless us with so many things. And more often than not, we tend to gripe about how we don’t have enough of this and that when we should realize that we have much much more than what we truly deserve.
As early as our childhood years, we’ve been brainwashed into thinking that having more of something is a measure of happiness. Haven’t you ever wondered how good it would have felt like to own a room full of He-Man action figures complete with Castle Grayskull and Cringer a.k.a. Battle Cat? It’s funny looking back at what we’ve branded as a measure of happiness, isn’t it? Or haven’t you wondered what life would be like if you couldn’t decide what’s sports car to bring to school? To some it might be food for thought; not to mention also for our dreams…but maybe we should start rethinking about what really matters in life because as far as I’m concerned, I think we’re all being set up.
By the world, by the media, by everything that is trivial. And they’re doing a spectacular job, mind you.
And when someone asks where is God in our lives amidst all of this. We sometimes cannot help but shrug and dismiss the idea.
We never deserved any of this---our life, our belongings, our blessings. But He still gave it all to us and more.
Again I ask: If that’s not being unfair, I don’t know what is.
Hasn’t it crossed your mind that God is unfair?
And I don’t mean that in a blasphemous or negative way. At all.
I mean think about it. We’ve forgotten Him during times of happiness when He should have been given all the credit, we’ve sinned time and again, we’ve broken our promises to Him…not only once but more times than we’d care to count. We’ve been like the ultimate spoiled problem child and He still manages to give us what we need when we need it.
If that isn’t unfair, I don’t know what is. It’s unfair to Him to be like that and let me tell you why.
We, as creatures of sin, should right now be cast into the eternal torture that is Hell and be made to suffer the most damned of punishments forever and ever. I believe we are entitled to as least that. Each and every one of us.
But God chooses to be unfair. He’s as stubborn as we can never imagine and I think He’s like that because He does it out of love.
I hate it when I remember things like this. It makes me feel all rotten inside. But it’s the good kind of rotten feeling if you can ever relate to what I’m saying right now.
We humans, as enforcers of justice have always acted in a justifiable manner. Someone pisses us off, we throw a fit. This beat-up owner cuts us off at the road, we cut the car in front of us…desperately risk life and limb to catch up with that owner, and then we cut it off as if our life depended on it. We have always had a system of justice with which we adhere to. And with some people, their system is simple: “You mess with me, and you’re gonna wish you were never born you
What’s my point again?
God is unfair.
He is so because we shouldn’t be where we are right now yet He has chosen to bless us with so many things. And more often than not, we tend to gripe about how we don’t have enough of this and that when we should realize that we have much much more than what we truly deserve.
As early as our childhood years, we’ve been brainwashed into thinking that having more of something is a measure of happiness. Haven’t you ever wondered how good it would have felt like to own a room full of He-Man action figures complete with Castle Grayskull and Cringer a.k.a. Battle Cat? It’s funny looking back at what we’ve branded as a measure of happiness, isn’t it? Or haven’t you wondered what life would be like if you couldn’t decide what’s sports car to bring to school? To some it might be food for thought; not to mention also for our dreams…but maybe we should start rethinking about what really matters in life because as far as I’m concerned, I think we’re all being set up.
By the world, by the media, by everything that is trivial. And they’re doing a spectacular job, mind you.
And when someone asks where is God in our lives amidst all of this. We sometimes cannot help but shrug and dismiss the idea.
We never deserved any of this---our life, our belongings, our blessings. But He still gave it all to us and more.
Again I ask: If that’s not being unfair, I don’t know what is.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
A Ray of Sunshine Amidst the Storm
A Ray of Sunshine Amidst the Storm
When I looked out the window this morning, the sky was filled with such gloom as it had been these past few days. But I think I saw the sun shine for the briefest of periods. It must be a simple reminder that there is such a thing called Hope. And I believe it comes in those brief and spontaneous moments that slip under our radar, those moments that in retrospect, leave us with a grin on our face and an unmistakable sense of peace inside our hearts. As someone simply put it:
wag mashado malungkot.. o-OK din lahat yan. you'll see.Ü
Everybody else in this world goes through what I am going through right now--their own personal storms. I would like to know that the fight is finished; that the calm afterwards is nearing. But like any seasoned sea-farer, I know how deep these waters underneath me go and how dark the skies above me can become. But if you're struggling to keep your vessel afloat in a sea of entropy , and you manage to somehow catch even a single ray of sunshine, I think that will be enough to keep you sailing onwards.
I am fortunate enough to know people who are strong enough to help me keep my ship afloat. To those people--and you know who you are--I am forever grateful.
When I looked out the window this morning, the sky was filled with such gloom as it had been these past few days. But I think I saw the sun shine for the briefest of periods. It must be a simple reminder that there is such a thing called Hope. And I believe it comes in those brief and spontaneous moments that slip under our radar, those moments that in retrospect, leave us with a grin on our face and an unmistakable sense of peace inside our hearts. As someone simply put it:
Everybody else in this world goes through what I am going through right now--their own personal storms. I would like to know that the fight is finished; that the calm afterwards is nearing. But like any seasoned sea-farer, I know how deep these waters underneath me go and how dark the skies above me can become. But if you're struggling to keep your vessel afloat in a sea of entropy , and you manage to somehow catch even a single ray of sunshine, I think that will be enough to keep you sailing onwards.
I am fortunate enough to know people who are strong enough to help me keep my ship afloat. To those people--and you know who you are--I am forever grateful.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
That One Special Day
That One Special Day
I believe the most deplorable thing that can happen to a person is to experience helplessness. It must be similar to the feeling when you're already burning in that boiling lake of sulfur when you're already in Hell. The place of fire and brimstone.
The place I am now. Figuratively, that is.
This month has absolutely been one of the worst times in my life. It seems that I have been engulfed by the jaws of helplessness. And I feel it has swallowed me whole. Believe me when I say that it is one of the few emotions I do not wish upon anyone because it breaks people. It cripples them and consumes their hopes and dreams and buries them with it after it is through with them.
I have had regrets which I have realized too late and I cannot seem to see past them. I cannot seem to see the sliver of hope that many friends would say that I have because it almost seems too minute to be recognized. I am aware that we should never dwell on our regrets; that there is no use in crying over spilled milk because that's just how life is. C'est la vie.
I am at a point in my life right now where I wake up and I see the futility of living. I see the despair that I have to face every day and I cannot seem to stare at it in the face because I am afraid. No...I am terrified to say the least.
I am unemployed.
I am confused.
I am lost.
I am disappointed. Most especially with myself.
Sometimes I feel like a caged animal where all I see are bars in front of me. Limitations, restrictions, hopelessness. It is a desolation of sorts because I feel so disconnected from everyone else and from myself. I just wish there was a way out.
In four days, I will have stayed on this Earth for nearly a quarter of a century. And I feel that I have nothing to show for it. Just disappointed people and a thousand broken dreams and wishes that during my days of naiveté were the things that drove me to fight the good fight. Four days from now will be my birthday. Or at least that's what will some attempt to call it. For me, it will probably be just an ordinary day or maybe even a sad one. Perhaps my saddest birthday to date.
I just wish people really had one birthday wish to make on their special day. That would at least give me hope. And for me, that is all that I need right now...that will definitely suffice.
I believe the most deplorable thing that can happen to a person is to experience helplessness. It must be similar to the feeling when you're already burning in that boiling lake of sulfur when you're already in Hell. The place of fire and brimstone.
The place I am now. Figuratively, that is.
This month has absolutely been one of the worst times in my life. It seems that I have been engulfed by the jaws of helplessness. And I feel it has swallowed me whole. Believe me when I say that it is one of the few emotions I do not wish upon anyone because it breaks people. It cripples them and consumes their hopes and dreams and buries them with it after it is through with them.
I have had regrets which I have realized too late and I cannot seem to see past them. I cannot seem to see the sliver of hope that many friends would say that I have because it almost seems too minute to be recognized. I am aware that we should never dwell on our regrets; that there is no use in crying over spilled milk because that's just how life is. C'est la vie.
I am at a point in my life right now where I wake up and I see the futility of living. I see the despair that I have to face every day and I cannot seem to stare at it in the face because I am afraid. No...I am terrified to say the least.
I am unemployed.
I am confused.
I am lost.
I am disappointed. Most especially with myself.
Sometimes I feel like a caged animal where all I see are bars in front of me. Limitations, restrictions, hopelessness. It is a desolation of sorts because I feel so disconnected from everyone else and from myself. I just wish there was a way out.
In four days, I will have stayed on this Earth for nearly a quarter of a century. And I feel that I have nothing to show for it. Just disappointed people and a thousand broken dreams and wishes that during my days of naiveté were the things that drove me to fight the good fight. Four days from now will be my birthday. Or at least that's what will some attempt to call it. For me, it will probably be just an ordinary day or maybe even a sad one. Perhaps my saddest birthday to date.
I just wish people really had one birthday wish to make on their special day. That would at least give me hope. And for me, that is all that I need right now...that will definitely suffice.
Monday, June 28, 2004
In Retrospect
In Retrospect
"Regrets"
by Zeus Martinez
The way the waves of the ocean
yearn for the shore
The way the birds long for the sky
upon seeing white and blue
That is the manner I long for you.
The time it takes from here to there
and even until Neverwhere
Until the passing of earth and space
into their last and final spark
That is how long I'll wait for your heart.
Because your smile and quiet eyes
I cannot see them anymore
Because my heart aches for you
and you are no longer here with me
That is why I regret failing you...
...from here on 'til eternity.
If you ever come to a point when you find that one person to love and to cherish for life, do your best. Try to do everything for that person and treasure each and every moment. That way you'll never ever regret anything. And you'll never ever confess that you never gave your 100%.
For Nina.
"Regrets"
by Zeus Martinez
The way the waves of the ocean
yearn for the shore
The way the birds long for the sky
upon seeing white and blue
That is the manner I long for you.
The time it takes from here to there
and even until Neverwhere
Until the passing of earth and space
into their last and final spark
That is how long I'll wait for your heart.
Because your smile and quiet eyes
I cannot see them anymore
Because my heart aches for you
and you are no longer here with me
That is why I regret failing you...
...from here on 'til eternity.
If you ever come to a point when you find that one person to love and to cherish for life, do your best. Try to do everything for that person and treasure each and every moment. That way you'll never ever regret anything. And you'll never ever confess that you never gave your 100%.
For Nina.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
The Second Time Around
The Second Time Around
It has always been said that adversity brings out the best in us as well as the worst. As for me, I have no doubt been able to prove to myself that it does. But the most important lesson so far is that I have been humbled. And I believe that it is one of the most profound experiences you will have in your lifetime.
People rarely welcome adversity because it is a harbinger of change. It has not been ingrained into our systems to accept such change because it destroys our routine. It challenges our spirits. To the older people of our generation, it means leaving their so-called comfort zones.
Like all people, I have experienced a plethora of emotions ever since childhood. But I am most surprised to come to the realization that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
I have cried.
I have rejoiced.
I have been shamed.
As well as honored.
I have been angry and sorrowful.
Passive and aggressive.
Stubborn and wise.
I have been introduced to the different truths in the world and every now and then, because I forget, I once again meet their acquaintance. It is amusing that when someone is introduced to you the second time around, you never seem to forget that moment. And you always remember their name.
I was once introduced to Humility. I met him again…and I will certainly not forget his name ever again.
It has always been said that adversity brings out the best in us as well as the worst. As for me, I have no doubt been able to prove to myself that it does. But the most important lesson so far is that I have been humbled. And I believe that it is one of the most profound experiences you will have in your lifetime.
People rarely welcome adversity because it is a harbinger of change. It has not been ingrained into our systems to accept such change because it destroys our routine. It challenges our spirits. To the older people of our generation, it means leaving their so-called comfort zones.
Like all people, I have experienced a plethora of emotions ever since childhood. But I am most surprised to come to the realization that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
I have cried.
I have rejoiced.
I have been shamed.
As well as honored.
I have been angry and sorrowful.
Passive and aggressive.
Stubborn and wise.
I have been introduced to the different truths in the world and every now and then, because I forget, I once again meet their acquaintance. It is amusing that when someone is introduced to you the second time around, you never seem to forget that moment. And you always remember their name.
I was once introduced to Humility. I met him again…and I will certainly not forget his name ever again.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Rain
Rain
I wish it would rain forever. There seems to be a certain sense of peace whenever it would rain. In my case, it offers a passing moment of security when one could just sit still and listen to the dance of a thousand and one droplets hit the ground.
It helps ease whatever worries that are troubling your mind because you know that at that particular time, something much much bigger is happening. And for one brief moment, amidst the noise around you, your worries seem to fade away in the marriage of water and earth.
I wish it would rain on and on. Then I could take comfort in knowing that given enough time I can drift to a peaceful slumber and forget about everything else.
I wish it would rain forever. There seems to be a certain sense of peace whenever it would rain. In my case, it offers a passing moment of security when one could just sit still and listen to the dance of a thousand and one droplets hit the ground.
It helps ease whatever worries that are troubling your mind because you know that at that particular time, something much much bigger is happening. And for one brief moment, amidst the noise around you, your worries seem to fade away in the marriage of water and earth.
I wish it would rain on and on. Then I could take comfort in knowing that given enough time I can drift to a peaceful slumber and forget about everything else.
