Cluster Headache
Friday night, last week I did my normal routine of going to the gym, eating out and then riding the shuttle back home. But by the time I was home, my head was pounding. It wasn't because of high BP though. This was different. It was as if I could feel my heartbeat through my temples. If I had not worked out that night, I doubt that I could have slept through the pain.
Saturday and Sunday came and the headache still lingered. I did notice something though. Whenever I would try to shake my head (as if saying "No"), the top of my head which is probaby the center of my skull would hurt like hell. It's as if a jackhammer was drilling on it. Aside from that, the only symptom that I could take note of is whenever I would lie down on my side, I could literally feel my heartbeat on my left temple. It's a one-sided kind of throbbing because my right side would not hurt as much. I did some research and I think it's a cluster headache because of the throbbing pain in my left temple.
Today, the pain has become manageable compared to the night before but it still hurts. I just hope that whatever this is, it's not serious at all.
For those of you who read this, I would appreciate it if you included me in your prayers. Hope you have a headache-free week ahead.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
On Contentment
On Contentment
It's officially the start of the summer season.
I remember last year, I was unemployed back then. I was probably waking up very late in the morning and turning on the computer every day of April. March 15th of last year I just recently resigned from my work as a call center agent. I didn't really want to work right away because I was too busy enjoying the luxury and privilege of sleeping in the evening and waking up in the morning and not the other way around.
Now, it's summer again. There are days when the weather is so hot that it seems very difficult to breathe and there are so-so days when the slight breeze outside is enough to make the staring sun bearable. I wish I could join the people in the airport on their way to Cebu, Palawan or Boracay but I'm stuck here at work. I'm not complaining though. (something I want to get rid of) I'm happy as it is. I remember the time that I was looking for a job and then this opportunity came.
It is only with a grateful heart that I can say that I was blessed that fateful July when I entered into my second job. It's been tough, of course because I am in the business of sales but with all of the hardships and tough times that I've had in my job, all of the good far outweighs each and every trial.
Summer is officially here. I know it because I can see flocks of kids walking to the basketball court with jerseys on to practice for the summer league. I already feel the missing presence of schoolbuses and uniform-clad children whenever I board a jeepney. I see flyers of dancing classes, acting workshops and basketball camps scattered all around. It is the time for relaxing for the average student; a time for out-of-town trips and what not. But I really don't miss it at all.
I really don't miss it at all because I know that I am content with what I am doing. If I were to look at each and every situation in my life as I do my work now, I would probably be at my happiest right now. Of course, I still yearn to do more than my regular routine of coming in to work and typing away or calling potential clients. I guess I don't mind at all because of the culture that the company adopts. Plus, my co-workers are such good-natured and wonderful people. And because I'm an observer by nature, I learn a lot from them everyday.
Summer is back and I don't mind being indoors, working. It sure beats being indoors reading the classifieds section everyday. We should always be grateful. It would always be better to want what you already have than want the things you don't have. Sometimes, the important lessons in life, we learn on our own. I learned that the secret of contentment was never really a secret at all to begin with.
It's officially the start of the summer season.
I remember last year, I was unemployed back then. I was probably waking up very late in the morning and turning on the computer every day of April. March 15th of last year I just recently resigned from my work as a call center agent. I didn't really want to work right away because I was too busy enjoying the luxury and privilege of sleeping in the evening and waking up in the morning and not the other way around.
Now, it's summer again. There are days when the weather is so hot that it seems very difficult to breathe and there are so-so days when the slight breeze outside is enough to make the staring sun bearable. I wish I could join the people in the airport on their way to Cebu, Palawan or Boracay but I'm stuck here at work. I'm not complaining though. (something I want to get rid of) I'm happy as it is. I remember the time that I was looking for a job and then this opportunity came.
It is only with a grateful heart that I can say that I was blessed that fateful July when I entered into my second job. It's been tough, of course because I am in the business of sales but with all of the hardships and tough times that I've had in my job, all of the good far outweighs each and every trial.
Summer is officially here. I know it because I can see flocks of kids walking to the basketball court with jerseys on to practice for the summer league. I already feel the missing presence of schoolbuses and uniform-clad children whenever I board a jeepney. I see flyers of dancing classes, acting workshops and basketball camps scattered all around. It is the time for relaxing for the average student; a time for out-of-town trips and what not. But I really don't miss it at all.
I really don't miss it at all because I know that I am content with what I am doing. If I were to look at each and every situation in my life as I do my work now, I would probably be at my happiest right now. Of course, I still yearn to do more than my regular routine of coming in to work and typing away or calling potential clients. I guess I don't mind at all because of the culture that the company adopts. Plus, my co-workers are such good-natured and wonderful people. And because I'm an observer by nature, I learn a lot from them everyday.
Summer is back and I don't mind being indoors, working. It sure beats being indoors reading the classifieds section everyday. We should always be grateful. It would always be better to want what you already have than want the things you don't have. Sometimes, the important lessons in life, we learn on our own. I learned that the secret of contentment was never really a secret at all to begin with.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
The Little Prince
The Little Prince
You are the little prince.
Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla
You are the little prince.
Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Resurrection Sunday
Resurrection Sunday
Easter Sunday. Just finished watching The Passion of the Christ
Whenever I remember this particular day, I am reminded of how fortunate we are. Easter Sunday is the day that my Saviour rose again. I am reminded that we have been saved. It is the day that Jesus conquered death and paid for the sins of the person next to you, the person you will be meeting tonight, the person inside the next room, the person who your eyes will meet next.
Everyone is forgiven. This is a debt that didn't have to be paid, but was paid in full anyway. Our sins, both past, present and future ones, have been already paid. We are already saved. All we have to do, is believe in Jesus as our Lord.
I heard of a story that I can relate to this.
One night, an aircraft carrier was doing its routine voyage across the Pacific Ocean. Stationed along the edges of the carrier were crew members who were designated to stand watch. The men could see each person stationed across the entire ship. One crew member was lazily manning his post when he suddenly noticed that one of the crew members was missing. He hurriedly ran to the missing person's post and looked down at the bluish-black void to see if there was anybody overboard. Seeing nothing, he raced to the bunk of the person to check if he was there. Unfortunately the missing person was not to be found in their quarters.
That was when the alarm sounded.
The carrier then stopped and started to make its way around for a U-turn. All of the crew members were then at the edge looking around, squinting to see any sign of a person overboard. Soon enough, they saw someone over in the horizon, waving his hand. The person was lifted up from the sea and the crew hauled him in.
As he was catching his breath, one of his friends asked, "What happened? How did you fall overboard?"
The marine answered, "I don't know how I fell. But all I remember is when I saw the ship stop and turn around, I knew that I was going to be saved because you would come looking for me."
Jesus never asked us if we needed saving. But He did it anyway. I could have been that man right there. I could even have been the lowest ranked person on that ship but still, He chose to turn around and rescue me.
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down his life for his friends" John 15:13
When I arrive at the gates of Heaven, they will be closed. And when St. Peter asks me why he should allow me to enter, I will only say that I have believed in Jesus and that he is my friend and those gates will open for me.
This circus that we call life, we all the distractions and temptations will all be for naught when we leave it. All that remains is our life with the Holy Spirit, the Heavenly Father and His Son or with Lucifer and the fallen.
It's not hard to choose what we would rather have but it is living up to that choice which is the difficult part. Whatever you do, do it for His glory and you shall be rewarded.
Easter Sunday. Just finished watching The Passion of the Christ
Whenever I remember this particular day, I am reminded of how fortunate we are. Easter Sunday is the day that my Saviour rose again. I am reminded that we have been saved. It is the day that Jesus conquered death and paid for the sins of the person next to you, the person you will be meeting tonight, the person inside the next room, the person who your eyes will meet next.
Everyone is forgiven. This is a debt that didn't have to be paid, but was paid in full anyway. Our sins, both past, present and future ones, have been already paid. We are already saved. All we have to do, is believe in Jesus as our Lord.
I heard of a story that I can relate to this.
One night, an aircraft carrier was doing its routine voyage across the Pacific Ocean. Stationed along the edges of the carrier were crew members who were designated to stand watch. The men could see each person stationed across the entire ship. One crew member was lazily manning his post when he suddenly noticed that one of the crew members was missing. He hurriedly ran to the missing person's post and looked down at the bluish-black void to see if there was anybody overboard. Seeing nothing, he raced to the bunk of the person to check if he was there. Unfortunately the missing person was not to be found in their quarters.
That was when the alarm sounded.
The carrier then stopped and started to make its way around for a U-turn. All of the crew members were then at the edge looking around, squinting to see any sign of a person overboard. Soon enough, they saw someone over in the horizon, waving his hand. The person was lifted up from the sea and the crew hauled him in.
As he was catching his breath, one of his friends asked, "What happened? How did you fall overboard?"
The marine answered, "I don't know how I fell. But all I remember is when I saw the ship stop and turn around, I knew that I was going to be saved because you would come looking for me."
Jesus never asked us if we needed saving. But He did it anyway. I could have been that man right there. I could even have been the lowest ranked person on that ship but still, He chose to turn around and rescue me.
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down his life for his friends" John 15:13
When I arrive at the gates of Heaven, they will be closed. And when St. Peter asks me why he should allow me to enter, I will only say that I have believed in Jesus and that he is my friend and those gates will open for me.
This circus that we call life, we all the distractions and temptations will all be for naught when we leave it. All that remains is our life with the Holy Spirit, the Heavenly Father and His Son or with Lucifer and the fallen.
It's not hard to choose what we would rather have but it is living up to that choice which is the difficult part. Whatever you do, do it for His glory and you shall be rewarded.
Monday, March 21, 2005
The Endless
The Endless
by Zeus Martinez
I am the song of mermaids amidst the raging storm.
I am that thirst that is never quenched.
I am that which goes by the name of avarice.
Look for me in the things of beauty and grace and you shall find me.
And if you pass me by without pause for notice, I will reveal your longing for me.
In due time, you shall see my fair-skinned face.
I am the desolate and the desperate.
I am that fleeting moment of hope that dies in the wind.
I am that 11th hour that never comes.
Look for me in the frowns that adorn the faces of the lost and there I will be.
Wherever you are, I shall walk by and stay.
And maybe wink at you for the irony of it all.
I am the eclectic and the insane—madness in its purest form.
I am that thin line between the genius of virtuosos and the lunacy of fools
I am those pair of eyes you see across the padded room.
Look for me in the imaginary and the colorful sounds.
I will cover you in a blanket of delusion and derangement.
And we shall embrace each other until nightfall.
I am the crumbling pillars under ivory towers.
I am that tsunami silently creeping towards the shore.
I am the sound of the crashes of a million crests and troughs.
Look for me in a dying star a million light years away.
I shall tear down the mountains and devour the land.
For I live and breathe on the sheer force of nature.
I am the unchangeable constant.
I am that gift of predetermined bliss and ruin.
I am that goal you never let go of; the drive that will never falter.
Look for me in the hearts of the proud and determined.
I will give you no other choice except this page that I have for you.
I will show you where to go and how to get there.
I am the haze that fogs your mind.
I am that undefined story; the brush of memory and clairvoyance.
I am that nightmare you feed every night.
Look for me when you close your eyes and drift off to slumber.
For I have wonderful, twisted stories to show and tell.
And they will be our little secret to keep.
I am that last 21 grams.
I am that last hopeful breath flowing out of your body.
I am that split-second flash that rides on the hinges of disaster.
Look for me everywhere and around you.
I am here to stay and stay I will.
Hear me whisper, for I am coming to visit you.
I wrote this with the intent to personify poetry. I wanted to be able to describe how poetry encompasses all things and all emotions. This is what I came up with: a tribute to Neil Gaiman's Endless.
Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
by Zeus Martinez
I am the song of mermaids amidst the raging storm.
I am that thirst that is never quenched.
I am that which goes by the name of avarice.
Look for me in the things of beauty and grace and you shall find me.
And if you pass me by without pause for notice, I will reveal your longing for me.
In due time, you shall see my fair-skinned face.
I am the desolate and the desperate.
I am that fleeting moment of hope that dies in the wind.
I am that 11th hour that never comes.
Look for me in the frowns that adorn the faces of the lost and there I will be.
Wherever you are, I shall walk by and stay.
And maybe wink at you for the irony of it all.
I am the eclectic and the insane—madness in its purest form.
I am that thin line between the genius of virtuosos and the lunacy of fools
I am those pair of eyes you see across the padded room.
Look for me in the imaginary and the colorful sounds.
I will cover you in a blanket of delusion and derangement.
And we shall embrace each other until nightfall.
I am the crumbling pillars under ivory towers.
I am that tsunami silently creeping towards the shore.
I am the sound of the crashes of a million crests and troughs.
Look for me in a dying star a million light years away.
I shall tear down the mountains and devour the land.
For I live and breathe on the sheer force of nature.
I am the unchangeable constant.
I am that gift of predetermined bliss and ruin.
I am that goal you never let go of; the drive that will never falter.
Look for me in the hearts of the proud and determined.
I will give you no other choice except this page that I have for you.
I will show you where to go and how to get there.
I am the haze that fogs your mind.
I am that undefined story; the brush of memory and clairvoyance.
I am that nightmare you feed every night.
Look for me when you close your eyes and drift off to slumber.
For I have wonderful, twisted stories to show and tell.
And they will be our little secret to keep.
I am that last 21 grams.
I am that last hopeful breath flowing out of your body.
I am that split-second flash that rides on the hinges of disaster.
Look for me everywhere and around you.
I am here to stay and stay I will.
Hear me whisper, for I am coming to visit you.
I wrote this with the intent to personify poetry. I wanted to be able to describe how poetry encompasses all things and all emotions. This is what I came up with: a tribute to Neil Gaiman's Endless.
Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Forever Young
Forever Young
I have thought about it and I have yet to decide--would I rather die young or old.
One of the more practical and vain answers (in my opinion) that I have come across is to die young because you wouldn't have to worry about wrinkles or having too few people to attend your funeral. After all, when you've already left your earthly body, hovering over your wake, why would you want only a handful of your closest and dearest to be there with you. I mean, if I passed away, I would want a whole batch to mourn over me. I'd want my whole village to go and pay their respects to me. I would want the entirety of my co-workers to come visit my remains and cry their hearts out because they lost someone dear. Yeah, that would be so gratifying wouldn't it?
But that will not happen. And if given a choice as to whether I would have an entire multitude come to my funeral or just a handful of my friends, I would choose the latter. I was never the one to attract attention to myself. I'd probably keep to myself if we were the only strangers left in an interview room.
Maybe it's just my nonchalant attitude about not caring at all or it might also be my lack of vanity that makes me want to die an old man. Or maybe it's my love of life that spurs me onward to look forward to whatever experiences and learnings I might find during my journey. There is simply so many things to learn in this lifetime that there are people who die in the middle of expeditions to snow-capped mountains. There are people whose last thought is how they could have made this world into a better place by finding out the cure for cancer. There are people who will close their eyes on their way to the next life and realize that they want to stay a bit longer just so they can know a little more about themselves; so they can give a little more. For some people a lifetime simply is not enough.
Others will let go of their earthly life as freely as a gust of wind blows the autumn leaves into a dance. And then there are some who will try with all their might to hold on to what they have here on this earth and say that they wish they had more time to do the things they wanted to do. Try making an artist quit on his masterpiece and you will have barely glimpsed at what I am trying to say.
I will choose to leave this earthly existence as someone who has done his best; someone who tried to fulfill his wishes as well accomplish each and every thing he has set his mind to. I choose to have the knowledge that I have tried to become someone who is an inspiration to others rather than a fleeting and replaceable memory. Yes, I would agree that a thousand and one friends and relatives might pay their respects to you before you go six feet underground; but people easily forget. People tend to just shake their head in disbelief and remark, "It's such a shame." and then lead their own lives afterwards.
Nowadays, we lack a sincere and profound connection with the people whom we are close with. The pleasantries and good times reach only up to a certain level yet they do not transcend the level of ordinary acquaintances. I would honestly have only ten good friends attend my ceremony rather than have five hundred of my Friendsters show up; more than a half grumbling that they want to get it over with the program.
Quality has always won out for me. I would rather have the people whose lives I've touched be present than have a room full of strangers who really don't know who I am as a person. Ultimately, it's not about the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away. When we pass on this life and when we leave someone who will remember who we are and what we have done for them, we will never die. We will be forever young. The sooner we realize that fact, the sooner we can stop getting busy dying so we can start getting busy living.
I have thought about it and I have yet to decide--would I rather die young or old.
One of the more practical and vain answers (in my opinion) that I have come across is to die young because you wouldn't have to worry about wrinkles or having too few people to attend your funeral. After all, when you've already left your earthly body, hovering over your wake, why would you want only a handful of your closest and dearest to be there with you. I mean, if I passed away, I would want a whole batch to mourn over me. I'd want my whole village to go and pay their respects to me. I would want the entirety of my co-workers to come visit my remains and cry their hearts out because they lost someone dear. Yeah, that would be so gratifying wouldn't it?
But that will not happen. And if given a choice as to whether I would have an entire multitude come to my funeral or just a handful of my friends, I would choose the latter. I was never the one to attract attention to myself. I'd probably keep to myself if we were the only strangers left in an interview room.
Maybe it's just my nonchalant attitude about not caring at all or it might also be my lack of vanity that makes me want to die an old man. Or maybe it's my love of life that spurs me onward to look forward to whatever experiences and learnings I might find during my journey. There is simply so many things to learn in this lifetime that there are people who die in the middle of expeditions to snow-capped mountains. There are people whose last thought is how they could have made this world into a better place by finding out the cure for cancer. There are people who will close their eyes on their way to the next life and realize that they want to stay a bit longer just so they can know a little more about themselves; so they can give a little more. For some people a lifetime simply is not enough.
Others will let go of their earthly life as freely as a gust of wind blows the autumn leaves into a dance. And then there are some who will try with all their might to hold on to what they have here on this earth and say that they wish they had more time to do the things they wanted to do. Try making an artist quit on his masterpiece and you will have barely glimpsed at what I am trying to say.
I will choose to leave this earthly existence as someone who has done his best; someone who tried to fulfill his wishes as well accomplish each and every thing he has set his mind to. I choose to have the knowledge that I have tried to become someone who is an inspiration to others rather than a fleeting and replaceable memory. Yes, I would agree that a thousand and one friends and relatives might pay their respects to you before you go six feet underground; but people easily forget. People tend to just shake their head in disbelief and remark, "It's such a shame." and then lead their own lives afterwards.
Nowadays, we lack a sincere and profound connection with the people whom we are close with. The pleasantries and good times reach only up to a certain level yet they do not transcend the level of ordinary acquaintances. I would honestly have only ten good friends attend my ceremony rather than have five hundred of my Friendsters show up; more than a half grumbling that they want to get it over with the program.
Quality has always won out for me. I would rather have the people whose lives I've touched be present than have a room full of strangers who really don't know who I am as a person. Ultimately, it's not about the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away. When we pass on this life and when we leave someone who will remember who we are and what we have done for them, we will never die. We will be forever young. The sooner we realize that fact, the sooner we can stop getting busy dying so we can start getting busy living.
Friday, March 18, 2005
People Change
People Change
People change.
For me, change is the only constant in this universe and the next. All things are changing in their own unique ways. From the newborn babe to the hundred year-old sycamore with its roots firmly planted on the ground.
Like a flower nestled in a clay pot just inches away from the window, we are all reaching for our "sunlight" of sorts. We are all going somewhere.
When I was younger, I was a difficult person to get close to. That's probably because of my innate timid nature and my personality that was leaning more towards introversion. I was never the one person to initiate a conversation nor could I imagine that I would come to be comfortable with people who were loud and rowdy. I was an observer by nature and I actually could say to myself that I would not be able to change. As with all new learnings, you're proven wrong by the time you've made up your mind.
Here I am, a changed person. I can honestly say that I have been exposed to a lot of unique and beautiful personalities within my workplace and I have learned a lot from them. In the setting of where I work, I am able to laugh out loud without having to worry if the people in the next department will find it inappropriate. After all, the inside jokes almost always come from them. Let me paint you a picture:
Our resident Photoshop master, Iggy did this. If you don't know who F4 is, then you're probably not from the Philippines. Before, I would have found this embarassing. Now, it's only funny and it only makes me miss my long hair more. Hehe!
I have now embraced the environment that I am in right now. People change. What else is new?
People change.
For me, change is the only constant in this universe and the next. All things are changing in their own unique ways. From the newborn babe to the hundred year-old sycamore with its roots firmly planted on the ground.
Like a flower nestled in a clay pot just inches away from the window, we are all reaching for our "sunlight" of sorts. We are all going somewhere.
When I was younger, I was a difficult person to get close to. That's probably because of my innate timid nature and my personality that was leaning more towards introversion. I was never the one person to initiate a conversation nor could I imagine that I would come to be comfortable with people who were loud and rowdy. I was an observer by nature and I actually could say to myself that I would not be able to change. As with all new learnings, you're proven wrong by the time you've made up your mind.
Here I am, a changed person. I can honestly say that I have been exposed to a lot of unique and beautiful personalities within my workplace and I have learned a lot from them. In the setting of where I work, I am able to laugh out loud without having to worry if the people in the next department will find it inappropriate. After all, the inside jokes almost always come from them. Let me paint you a picture:
Our resident Photoshop master, Iggy did this. If you don't know who F4 is, then you're probably not from the Philippines. Before, I would have found this embarassing. Now, it's only funny and it only makes me miss my long hair more. Hehe!
I have now embraced the environment that I am in right now. People change. What else is new?
Thursday, March 17, 2005
REPOST: A Necessary Evil
REPOST: A Necessary Evil
Work is a necessary evil.
Yes, you heard me right: it is a necessary evil.
I believe it is so because we cannot seem to depart from it unless we are a king or a prince. But technically, the kings and queens of today still have to work on something else such as attending banquets and whatnot. So that takes care of the necessity of work. What about the evil that it brings? Ah, that is when the principle of relativity comes into play.
For some people, it will dawn upon them that work is something that they have waited for a long time. It represents independence, both financial and emotional. These are the types of people who have the excuse to stay late at night away from home because they have something to finish within the corporate walls of their workplace.
In contrast, there are some people who view work as something that takes away a lot of things from them. It takes away the closeness between two people because they will both have to spend time away from each other and in so doing, they will no doubt meet different personalities. In my experience, work introduces the idea of dishonesty. I have worked two jobs and I have always come up with stories of people with someone else other than their spouse.
Work indirectly destroys relationships. It opens up man to the biggest of temptations and it does so without the slightest knowledge of the people involved. If you try to pry deeper, you'll find a hint of dysfunctionality among your co-workers that wasn't there before they started working. It's a sick feeling, I know but it's the most lucid of truths.
It happens and you know it. That's what's so great about movies. They're inaccurate and accurate at the same time.
How many times have we heard about the man of the house leaving his family just to earn a living in another country only to find his wife having another affair when he returns? The reverse is not foreign to us. Man comes home and brings home a mistress with him. Wife cries. Couple divorces.
It's all too simple yet so blindingly accurate.
And all of this happened because of the sincere and loving desire of the man to provide for his spouse and family. All because of work.
Bullshit.
Call me bitter but maybe the reason I loathe work is because it changed me so much. It turned my life upside down because after it was introduced into my life, it never had any good effect on me. Everything was just the same day in and day out. The same old routine whiling away my time. But even if I look at work like this I am also in its debt because it has taken away my fears and concerns. As I mentioned before, it is a prison and haven of sorts. It simultaneously chains you to a specific set of tasks each and every day and it also gives you legitimate reason not to think of your problems away from it. Like we always hear: "Never bring your family problems to work and leave your work at the office." Sometimes I just feel I have so much to do. It seems that I can't seem to catch my breath. I just need a long break.
Well there you have it. Relativity explained. One person might adore working so much that it almost becomes his or her life and another person loathing it because it has taken so much from him.
I almost can't breathe from the frustration that I feel. And if you should know, I am the latter of the two if you haven't noticed yet. I just hope I find the redeeming factor in all that has happened--something that will tell me, "It's alright, you got me in return." It may be a person or something else. Whatever it is, I will wait.
Work is a necessary evil.
Yes, you heard me right: it is a necessary evil.
I believe it is so because we cannot seem to depart from it unless we are a king or a prince. But technically, the kings and queens of today still have to work on something else such as attending banquets and whatnot. So that takes care of the necessity of work. What about the evil that it brings? Ah, that is when the principle of relativity comes into play.
For some people, it will dawn upon them that work is something that they have waited for a long time. It represents independence, both financial and emotional. These are the types of people who have the excuse to stay late at night away from home because they have something to finish within the corporate walls of their workplace.
In contrast, there are some people who view work as something that takes away a lot of things from them. It takes away the closeness between two people because they will both have to spend time away from each other and in so doing, they will no doubt meet different personalities. In my experience, work introduces the idea of dishonesty. I have worked two jobs and I have always come up with stories of people with someone else other than their spouse.
Work indirectly destroys relationships. It opens up man to the biggest of temptations and it does so without the slightest knowledge of the people involved. If you try to pry deeper, you'll find a hint of dysfunctionality among your co-workers that wasn't there before they started working. It's a sick feeling, I know but it's the most lucid of truths.
It happens and you know it. That's what's so great about movies. They're inaccurate and accurate at the same time.
How many times have we heard about the man of the house leaving his family just to earn a living in another country only to find his wife having another affair when he returns? The reverse is not foreign to us. Man comes home and brings home a mistress with him. Wife cries. Couple divorces.
It's all too simple yet so blindingly accurate.
And all of this happened because of the sincere and loving desire of the man to provide for his spouse and family. All because of work.
Bullshit.
Call me bitter but maybe the reason I loathe work is because it changed me so much. It turned my life upside down because after it was introduced into my life, it never had any good effect on me. Everything was just the same day in and day out. The same old routine whiling away my time. But even if I look at work like this I am also in its debt because it has taken away my fears and concerns. As I mentioned before, it is a prison and haven of sorts. It simultaneously chains you to a specific set of tasks each and every day and it also gives you legitimate reason not to think of your problems away from it. Like we always hear: "Never bring your family problems to work and leave your work at the office." Sometimes I just feel I have so much to do. It seems that I can't seem to catch my breath. I just need a long break.
Well there you have it. Relativity explained. One person might adore working so much that it almost becomes his or her life and another person loathing it because it has taken so much from him.
I almost can't breathe from the frustration that I feel. And if you should know, I am the latter of the two if you haven't noticed yet. I just hope I find the redeeming factor in all that has happened--something that will tell me, "It's alright, you got me in return." It may be a person or something else. Whatever it is, I will wait.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
What Goes Around...
What Goes Around...
It seems that you just won't be able to please everybody in the world. No matter how blatant this truth is, I sometimes forget that people will either love you or hate you. But more often than not, I get disturbed by the haters. I don't hear them screaming at me and calling me names but I do know they are out there. And that silence is just gnawing away at me to the core.
I would like to see myself as a good person but there are times that I stumble; there are times when I slip and say something that others might find off or unnatural. Most of the time, they're the people who really don't know who I am as a person. People already get to judge you without even knowing who you are and why you do or say the things you say and do. In this day and age, I believe that talking behind someone else's back is as natural and normal as hearing the news. Only in this case, sources aren't as reliable and confirmation of the news is done after the reporting. Gossip has become one of society's unchecked pathologies today. And I can't blame anybody for wanting to know what happened with whom and when.
I am a pretty simple guy. Sometimes, I feel I'm too simple for my own sake. I rarely go out because I honestly do enjoy the routine of going to the gym, playing basketball every once in a while and chillin' in the comfort of my room. I rarely drink because my tolerance for alcohol has already waned and I'm already on the verge of being a smoke-free individual for about half a year. When I think about it, nothing is extraordinary about who I am and what I do. I could probably blend in a sea of people and you wouldn't even give me a second look. So when I know that people dislike me, I tend to get exasperated. Here I am, already living under the radar and you still see something negative in me. Sometimes I feel like I have to be more than who I am as a person to be liked and accepted. I mean, what do you exactly do when normal isn't enough?
Can't we all get along? Can't we just understand that people have their reasons? It's a bit frustrating when you see people judge other people just because they slipped for a moment and somehow showed the human side of them. Whatever happens, it would be best to remember that what goes around, comes around. Always have been, always will be.
It seems that you just won't be able to please everybody in the world. No matter how blatant this truth is, I sometimes forget that people will either love you or hate you. But more often than not, I get disturbed by the haters. I don't hear them screaming at me and calling me names but I do know they are out there. And that silence is just gnawing away at me to the core.
I would like to see myself as a good person but there are times that I stumble; there are times when I slip and say something that others might find off or unnatural. Most of the time, they're the people who really don't know who I am as a person. People already get to judge you without even knowing who you are and why you do or say the things you say and do. In this day and age, I believe that talking behind someone else's back is as natural and normal as hearing the news. Only in this case, sources aren't as reliable and confirmation of the news is done after the reporting. Gossip has become one of society's unchecked pathologies today. And I can't blame anybody for wanting to know what happened with whom and when.
I am a pretty simple guy. Sometimes, I feel I'm too simple for my own sake. I rarely go out because I honestly do enjoy the routine of going to the gym, playing basketball every once in a while and chillin' in the comfort of my room. I rarely drink because my tolerance for alcohol has already waned and I'm already on the verge of being a smoke-free individual for about half a year. When I think about it, nothing is extraordinary about who I am and what I do. I could probably blend in a sea of people and you wouldn't even give me a second look. So when I know that people dislike me, I tend to get exasperated. Here I am, already living under the radar and you still see something negative in me. Sometimes I feel like I have to be more than who I am as a person to be liked and accepted. I mean, what do you exactly do when normal isn't enough?
Can't we all get along? Can't we just understand that people have their reasons? It's a bit frustrating when you see people judge other people just because they slipped for a moment and somehow showed the human side of them. Whatever happens, it would be best to remember that what goes around, comes around. Always have been, always will be.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You?
Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You?
You are... WAIT! - you're none of the Sins you're an Angel! Perfect, or close enough, and annoyingly so! Did you always behave so 'just right'. ARGHHH . You can annoy the hell outta people with your attitude, but no doubt your church is real happy with you. The positive side certainly outweighs the negative, after all, you do chores, are smart, are cute, do charity work. Least you know what a perfect saint you are. You just make the rest of us sinners vomit. Perhaps you could break the rules once in a while, go wild - Eat an extra cookie or something. However - congratulations on being the most pure, of the entire human race.
Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are... WAIT! - you're none of the Sins you're an Angel! Perfect, or close enough, and annoyingly so! Did you always behave so 'just right'. ARGHHH . You can annoy the hell outta people with your attitude, but no doubt your church is real happy with you. The positive side certainly outweighs the negative, after all, you do chores, are smart, are cute, do charity work. Least you know what a perfect saint you are. You just make the rest of us sinners vomit. Perhaps you could break the rules once in a while, go wild - Eat an extra cookie or something. However - congratulations on being the most pure, of the entire human race.
Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Thursday, March 03, 2005
For The Love of the Game
For The Love of the Game
It's been a good year so far for me. Nothing spectacular but at the same time, nothing so tragic as to shake me from the firm foundation that I call habit. After three months into 2005, I realize that there are some things that I will never get tired of; there are things that I am not yet ready to give up; there are things that will always seem magical to me.
I have been playing basketball since the third grade. My village neighbor, Pope (yes, as in John Paul II) introduced me to the game. The very first shot I took was on a half court where I learned that I had an affinity for this very simple game. It turned out that it was something that I will not stop doing even into my forties, possibly my fifties if I live long enough.
The game taught me discipline. Having been to basketball clinics that were taught by the PBA coaches and players, I learned that this was a game that came to you either through sheer talent or through force of will. You either worked hard to become great or you just have that gift. It taught me the lesson of hard work as being one of the great equalizers. It was a game that I could relate my life to.
Whenever I remember The Greatest Player That Ever Played The Game say, "Basketball is like my psychiatrist. If you take that away from me. I wouldn't know what to do.", I didn't really understand what it meant until recently.
When I play out on the court with my friends, I am a different person. I am talkative and competitive at the same time. I am fun and funny all in the same hardcourt and I am serious and jovial during brief passing moments. I am all of these when I dribble the basketball and start playing.
The game of basketball is one of the joys in my life that I am thankful for. Without it, I wouldn't know what to do.
It's been a good year so far for me. Nothing spectacular but at the same time, nothing so tragic as to shake me from the firm foundation that I call habit. After three months into 2005, I realize that there are some things that I will never get tired of; there are things that I am not yet ready to give up; there are things that will always seem magical to me.
I have been playing basketball since the third grade. My village neighbor, Pope (yes, as in John Paul II) introduced me to the game. The very first shot I took was on a half court where I learned that I had an affinity for this very simple game. It turned out that it was something that I will not stop doing even into my forties, possibly my fifties if I live long enough.
The game taught me discipline. Having been to basketball clinics that were taught by the PBA coaches and players, I learned that this was a game that came to you either through sheer talent or through force of will. You either worked hard to become great or you just have that gift. It taught me the lesson of hard work as being one of the great equalizers. It was a game that I could relate my life to.
Whenever I remember The Greatest Player That Ever Played The Game say, "Basketball is like my psychiatrist. If you take that away from me. I wouldn't know what to do.", I didn't really understand what it meant until recently.
When I play out on the court with my friends, I am a different person. I am talkative and competitive at the same time. I am fun and funny all in the same hardcourt and I am serious and jovial during brief passing moments. I am all of these when I dribble the basketball and start playing.
The game of basketball is one of the joys in my life that I am thankful for. Without it, I wouldn't know what to do.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Looking Forward
Looking Forward
I spent Valentine's Day in the office. Lunch break was spent at a gym, burning away my energy as well as getting away from it all. Everything else was like any ordinary day. After three years of spending Valentine's Day with someone, I am back once again to a solitary celebration. Of course in my thoughts, I wished that she, whoever she may be, could introduce herself to me and say that she would stay just for the night.
I am absolutely oblivious as to who she is and whether I have already met her or not. All I know is that this is just another one of those Valentines that I am without her. So I wrote a letter for her that when we both find each other, I may be able to tell her what I was thinking on this particular Valentine's Day.
Dearest,
This is a letter I hope you find. But even more so, I hope I find you so that I may look in the eyes of the person I've waited for my whole life.
It has been a long time indeed. I have waited for you to come and bring solace to my tired and confused heart. To be honest, I thought about giving up on you; I thought of giving up the notion of "someone for me".
But the thought of "happily ever after" was just too wonderful to miss out on.
I want us to live in our own fairy tale complete with the petty fights that each and every couple goes through. But even more so, I want to make up with you and look you straight in the eye and sincerely say that I'm sorry.
I want to be able to wake you up with breakfast in bed and see the sunlight through our room and be able to smile and know that dinner is only a few hours away.
I want to tell you that you look beautiful all the time because I know that is what you need. But I also want to tell you that anything else will not matter because whatever happens, you are beautiful in my eyes. I want to tell you myself that your beauty will never fade because my love never will.
I want to help you and push you towards your goals and aspirations because I know those things are as important to you as anything else. I want you to become who you strive to be because I know that in this life, we only get one chance to become the person we want to be.
I want us to share long walks while eating ice cream and holding each other's hands in the waning sunset. Even better, I want to do this at the beach with waves lapping at our feet. And when the moon comes up, I want us to talk under the stars until we both fall asleep in each other's arms.
I want us to wake up beside each other everyday of our lives until we see how silly each of us looks when our graying hair is all messed up.
I want these with you. And now that I have found you, I know we can now start forever.
Happy Valentine's,
Zeus
I spent Valentine's Day in the office. Lunch break was spent at a gym, burning away my energy as well as getting away from it all. Everything else was like any ordinary day. After three years of spending Valentine's Day with someone, I am back once again to a solitary celebration. Of course in my thoughts, I wished that she, whoever she may be, could introduce herself to me and say that she would stay just for the night.
I am absolutely oblivious as to who she is and whether I have already met her or not. All I know is that this is just another one of those Valentines that I am without her. So I wrote a letter for her that when we both find each other, I may be able to tell her what I was thinking on this particular Valentine's Day.
Dearest,
This is a letter I hope you find. But even more so, I hope I find you so that I may look in the eyes of the person I've waited for my whole life.
It has been a long time indeed. I have waited for you to come and bring solace to my tired and confused heart. To be honest, I thought about giving up on you; I thought of giving up the notion of "someone for me".
But the thought of "happily ever after" was just too wonderful to miss out on.
I want us to live in our own fairy tale complete with the petty fights that each and every couple goes through. But even more so, I want to make up with you and look you straight in the eye and sincerely say that I'm sorry.
I want to be able to wake you up with breakfast in bed and see the sunlight through our room and be able to smile and know that dinner is only a few hours away.
I want to tell you that you look beautiful all the time because I know that is what you need. But I also want to tell you that anything else will not matter because whatever happens, you are beautiful in my eyes. I want to tell you myself that your beauty will never fade because my love never will.
I want to help you and push you towards your goals and aspirations because I know those things are as important to you as anything else. I want you to become who you strive to be because I know that in this life, we only get one chance to become the person we want to be.
I want us to share long walks while eating ice cream and holding each other's hands in the waning sunset. Even better, I want to do this at the beach with waves lapping at our feet. And when the moon comes up, I want us to talk under the stars until we both fall asleep in each other's arms.
I want us to wake up beside each other everyday of our lives until we see how silly each of us looks when our graying hair is all messed up.
I want these with you. And now that I have found you, I know we can now start forever.
Happy Valentine's,
Zeus
Monday, February 07, 2005
Musings of A Broken Heart
Musings of A Broken Heart
In this day, having our age, one would shudder to think what would happen if he or she didn't find a significant other to light that proverbial fire that provides indescribable inspiration one is so devoid of.
In this day, having our age, it would be such a frightening thought to grow old without having a partner you truly love and cherish.
In this day, being as old as I am, I catch myself almost everyday longing for a past love that was over before I even knew it was. You think to yourself that these events happen only in television but once the truth bites, it sinks its cold teeth into your reality and rips the fabric of your once comfortable world.
Nowadays, I find it extremely hard not to think about how and why I failed. I find myself going back to thoughts of a hundred yesterdays when life was good and when I had it easy. Not a day goes by that I don't regret saying a thousand and one hurtful words; not a minute paseses without me feeling the pangs of solitude. I let out a sigh because that is all that I can do. Try as I might, the past is already done and there are no real second chances in the world of men. In my world beset by jealousy, fear, anger, apathy and denial there are no good people.
There is only the passing of time and scarring of the heart. How I wish that both pass me by sooner. It is not something that I won't be able to bear but it is akin to a leech that sucks me dry of all that is good and joyous.
One of these days, I will meet another who will accept me despite the darkness of my soul.
One of these days, I will meet another who does not care about what happened in my past.
I just hope that I muster enough courage to open my tired and broken heart again. Until then, I numb myself from the pain and hope that nothing can ever revive this hurt again.
In this day, having our age, one would shudder to think what would happen if he or she didn't find a significant other to light that proverbial fire that provides indescribable inspiration one is so devoid of.
In this day, having our age, it would be such a frightening thought to grow old without having a partner you truly love and cherish.
In this day, being as old as I am, I catch myself almost everyday longing for a past love that was over before I even knew it was. You think to yourself that these events happen only in television but once the truth bites, it sinks its cold teeth into your reality and rips the fabric of your once comfortable world.
Nowadays, I find it extremely hard not to think about how and why I failed. I find myself going back to thoughts of a hundred yesterdays when life was good and when I had it easy. Not a day goes by that I don't regret saying a thousand and one hurtful words; not a minute paseses without me feeling the pangs of solitude. I let out a sigh because that is all that I can do. Try as I might, the past is already done and there are no real second chances in the world of men. In my world beset by jealousy, fear, anger, apathy and denial there are no good people.
There is only the passing of time and scarring of the heart. How I wish that both pass me by sooner. It is not something that I won't be able to bear but it is akin to a leech that sucks me dry of all that is good and joyous.
One of these days, I will meet another who will accept me despite the darkness of my soul.
One of these days, I will meet another who does not care about what happened in my past.
I just hope that I muster enough courage to open my tired and broken heart again. Until then, I numb myself from the pain and hope that nothing can ever revive this hurt again.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
To The Limit
To The Limit
I just want to share something amusing that happened to me last night. I was able to gather around 11 of my batchmates in UA&P for a game of pick-up basketball. I do have to say that it was really fun seeing familiar faces.
So anyway, I played around two straight games that spanned over one and a half hours.
It just so happened that when I tried to play a third game, my calf gave in on me. I experienced one of the worst cramps ever. I knew because when I asked for people to push my leg in the opposite direction to counter the muscle contraction, I couldn't help but lie instead of just sitting down.
I remember each and every muscle cramp that I've had in my calf. And this was the worst. I could literally see the calf muscle contract by itself. It was amusing to me because in a weird, way I found the involuntary movement of my calf muscles something I've never had before. In addition to that, I knew that I had pushed myself to the limit. This would be one of the very few times that I had done that.
That muscle cramp hurt like hell and now I'm walking with a limp but I wish I could do it again.
I just want to share something amusing that happened to me last night. I was able to gather around 11 of my batchmates in UA&P for a game of pick-up basketball. I do have to say that it was really fun seeing familiar faces.
So anyway, I played around two straight games that spanned over one and a half hours.
It just so happened that when I tried to play a third game, my calf gave in on me. I experienced one of the worst cramps ever. I knew because when I asked for people to push my leg in the opposite direction to counter the muscle contraction, I couldn't help but lie instead of just sitting down.
I remember each and every muscle cramp that I've had in my calf. And this was the worst. I could literally see the calf muscle contract by itself. It was amusing to me because in a weird, way I found the involuntary movement of my calf muscles something I've never had before. In addition to that, I knew that I had pushed myself to the limit. This would be one of the very few times that I had done that.
That muscle cramp hurt like hell and now I'm walking with a limp but I wish I could do it again.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Wading in the Waters of My Mind
Wading in the Waters of My Mind
As I sit down in front of my computer trying to make out my subconscious thoughts, I can't help but notice the blank canvas that is my mind. After all the countless ideas going through my mind on a daily basis, I am left dumbfounded.
It is the most frustrating of feelings, to be helpless. Even though it is normally called a writer's block, I still feel as if my hands are tied behind my back. I still feel that anvil pushing down on my back, bringing me to my knees.
Sometimes, I manage to force a smile out of the hardships that I face. It is the only comfort that I have--my ability to at least see a glimmer of hope behind the darkest of days; to see the silver lining behind the flock of storm clouds.
It is through sheer will and inspiration that I am able to live my day one minute at a time without faltering, without entertaining the invites of a despair of the grandest kind.
And for that I am thankful. So much for writer's block.
As I sit down in front of my computer trying to make out my subconscious thoughts, I can't help but notice the blank canvas that is my mind. After all the countless ideas going through my mind on a daily basis, I am left dumbfounded.
It is the most frustrating of feelings, to be helpless. Even though it is normally called a writer's block, I still feel as if my hands are tied behind my back. I still feel that anvil pushing down on my back, bringing me to my knees.
Sometimes, I manage to force a smile out of the hardships that I face. It is the only comfort that I have--my ability to at least see a glimmer of hope behind the darkest of days; to see the silver lining behind the flock of storm clouds.
It is through sheer will and inspiration that I am able to live my day one minute at a time without faltering, without entertaining the invites of a despair of the grandest kind.
And for that I am thankful. So much for writer's block.
Friday, January 28, 2005
Surreal
Surreal
I have been thinking about this dream for two straight days already. And no matter how much I try to ignore it, it just won't allow me to forget it.
To say that it was weird is an understatement. Anyway, here it goes.
I dreamt that I was in a classroom with my highschool batchmates. We were going to have an exam and as the papers were passed around, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes closed. I was falling asleep as the exam was going to start. Then, at the last page I saw the initials of the first names of all the people in the room, each followed by a blank space where I could write. The object of that section was for me to input the names of all of the people in the room. Since these were my batchmates, I naturally assumed I would get everything correctly. Then something weird happened.
I dozed off. I actually slept in my dream. And I knew that because the next thing that was happening was the teacher was giving us our last 5 minutes to finish our tests. I then hurriedly answered all of the blank spaces. Since I did not have any blanks unanswered, I sincerely thought I did well in that test.
The scene shifted to my teacher giving back the graded test papers and you know what I got?
A measly 2% out of a 100.
Whatever that means, I have no idea. But it's probably telling me I definitely need to improve on something very specific. Anybody who has any clues, I'm dying to hear from you.
I have been thinking about this dream for two straight days already. And no matter how much I try to ignore it, it just won't allow me to forget it.
To say that it was weird is an understatement. Anyway, here it goes.
I dreamt that I was in a classroom with my highschool batchmates. We were going to have an exam and as the papers were passed around, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes closed. I was falling asleep as the exam was going to start. Then, at the last page I saw the initials of the first names of all the people in the room, each followed by a blank space where I could write. The object of that section was for me to input the names of all of the people in the room. Since these were my batchmates, I naturally assumed I would get everything correctly. Then something weird happened.
I dozed off. I actually slept in my dream. And I knew that because the next thing that was happening was the teacher was giving us our last 5 minutes to finish our tests. I then hurriedly answered all of the blank spaces. Since I did not have any blanks unanswered, I sincerely thought I did well in that test.
The scene shifted to my teacher giving back the graded test papers and you know what I got?
A measly 2% out of a 100.
Whatever that means, I have no idea. But it's probably telling me I definitely need to improve on something very specific. Anybody who has any clues, I'm dying to hear from you.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
The Enduring Constant That Is Change
The Enduring Constant That Is Change
On Learning to Do Better
by Portia Nelson
I walk down the street.
There is a hole.
I don't see it.
I fall in.
It isn't my fault.
It takes a very long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is still a deep hole.
I pretend not to see it.
I fall in.
I pretend it's still not my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is still the same deep hole.
I see it.
I fall in anyway.
It's a habit.
I get out quicker this time.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole.
I see it.
I walk around it.
I don't fall in.
I walk down a different street.
I can't help but marvel at the profoundness of the text above. We may not be aware of it right now but we have this one unique hangup, this one idiosyncrasy which we know is delaying us from getting to point A to point B. For some of us, it literally takes some of us years before we realize that change is needed in order for us to stop "falling into that deep hole". For the majority of us, we probably know what we need to change but we're just too afraid of it.
And to be honest, there is so much to be fearful about. The unknown has always been the subject of man's fear since time immemorial. Even though the only constant thing in this world is change itself, we still manage to carve out a routine for ourselves. It's amazing, actually. But unless we decide to walk a different street we will always be the same person.
We can't solve a problem if we remain the same person we are. We have to change our views, change our outlook on life and accept our mistakes for what they really are--things we need to change.
On Learning to Do Better
by Portia Nelson
I walk down the street.
There is a hole.
I don't see it.
I fall in.
It isn't my fault.
It takes a very long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is still a deep hole.
I pretend not to see it.
I fall in.
I pretend it's still not my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is still the same deep hole.
I see it.
I fall in anyway.
It's a habit.
I get out quicker this time.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole.
I see it.
I walk around it.
I don't fall in.
I walk down a different street.
I can't help but marvel at the profoundness of the text above. We may not be aware of it right now but we have this one unique hangup, this one idiosyncrasy which we know is delaying us from getting to point A to point B. For some of us, it literally takes some of us years before we realize that change is needed in order for us to stop "falling into that deep hole". For the majority of us, we probably know what we need to change but we're just too afraid of it.
And to be honest, there is so much to be fearful about. The unknown has always been the subject of man's fear since time immemorial. Even though the only constant thing in this world is change itself, we still manage to carve out a routine for ourselves. It's amazing, actually. But unless we decide to walk a different street we will always be the same person.
We can't solve a problem if we remain the same person we are. We have to change our views, change our outlook on life and accept our mistakes for what they really are--things we need to change.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Clarity
Clarity
I met up with a long lost friend today. His name is Rally and he went to the United States to study and make a life and a name for himself. He said he was gone for 20 months but it seemed longer than that. We were into our catching-up-on-lost-time conversation when he casually asked a question:
"So, anong plano mo ngayon?"
I was tongue-tied.
I honestly didn't know what to say.
After hearing his stories of being in the army and having his own money to pay for the rent of their family's place and him being able to get his own car, I just wasn't able to provide an answer.
I honestly didn't know what to do. I realized that I am nowhere near the idea of settling down because with my current salary and the standing economic drought my country is in, it is absolutely out of the question that I get my own place and buy my own car.
His tale was one of independence and all I could speak of was the tragedy of "financial imprisonment" if you could call it that. Call it a lack of options but I would like to be realistic in seeing it as the unavailability of them.
Amidst the sudden realization that my situation in this country will not get any better one thought entered my mind: I had to put my trust in God. "Ipaubaya nalang natin sa Diyos." as we Filipinos would like to say. And it's true. In some ways I am more blessed than others. And for that, I am already grateful.
I don't need to have my own car because my legs are strong enough for walking. I have my health and I am grateful. As in any argument, the cynical point of view can always be countered with the faith of an optimist.
Some may call it sour-graping but no matter what people say, the proverbial glass will always be half-empty in my eyes.
I met up with a long lost friend today. His name is Rally and he went to the United States to study and make a life and a name for himself. He said he was gone for 20 months but it seemed longer than that. We were into our catching-up-on-lost-time conversation when he casually asked a question:
I was tongue-tied.
I honestly didn't know what to say.
After hearing his stories of being in the army and having his own money to pay for the rent of their family's place and him being able to get his own car, I just wasn't able to provide an answer.
I honestly didn't know what to do. I realized that I am nowhere near the idea of settling down because with my current salary and the standing economic drought my country is in, it is absolutely out of the question that I get my own place and buy my own car.
His tale was one of independence and all I could speak of was the tragedy of "financial imprisonment" if you could call it that. Call it a lack of options but I would like to be realistic in seeing it as the unavailability of them.
Amidst the sudden realization that my situation in this country will not get any better one thought entered my mind: I had to put my trust in God. "Ipaubaya nalang natin sa Diyos." as we Filipinos would like to say. And it's true. In some ways I am more blessed than others. And for that, I am already grateful.
I don't need to have my own car because my legs are strong enough for walking. I have my health and I am grateful. As in any argument, the cynical point of view can always be countered with the faith of an optimist.
Some may call it sour-graping but no matter what people say, the proverbial glass will always be half-empty in my eyes.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Enfeeblement
Enfeeblement
I am soooo tired right now. I just don't know where I'm getting tired at. As in I am really, physically tired. I've been sleeping more than the normal 8 hours of sleep but I still am so physically drained after work. Maybe it's just the annual meeting that's coming up in 3 days but I still am at a loss for words. I really honestly don't know why I am so tired.
I want to go to New Zealand.
I want to be a farmer there and have my own green expanse where I can sheperd my own flock of sheep. And then when I happen upon another sheperd who's looking for his lost flock I can go like Eomer in The Two Towers and say:
"Look for your sheep, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands.
Tee hee! =)
Damn, am I tired. I'm rarely this incoherent.
But I really want to go to New Zealand.
Middle Earth on Earth
I am soooo tired right now. I just don't know where I'm getting tired at. As in I am really, physically tired. I've been sleeping more than the normal 8 hours of sleep but I still am so physically drained after work. Maybe it's just the annual meeting that's coming up in 3 days but I still am at a loss for words. I really honestly don't know why I am so tired.
I want to go to New Zealand.
I want to be a farmer there and have my own green expanse where I can sheperd my own flock of sheep. And then when I happen upon another sheperd who's looking for his lost flock I can go like Eomer in The Two Towers and say:
Tee hee! =)
Damn, am I tired. I'm rarely this incoherent.
But I really want to go to New Zealand.
Middle Earth on Earth
Saturday, January 01, 2005
The Lessons of 2004
The Lessons of 2004
1. Listening to your body always pays off.
March 15th of last year I fought off the temptation to continue my work as a call center agent because I was experiencing massive migraine attacks almost twice a week. Sooner or later I learned to work through the pain but I knew I wanted out. It's nothing personal. I would have stayed for the wonderful people and great supervisors that I had. Bottom line: my body said "No" and I couldn't disagree.
2. True friends never forget.
I recently got reacquainted with my bestfriend in high school. Carlo was one of those people who never counted favors. He even relished having company (maybe because he's an only child) because 8 years ago, I would sleepover his house and then wake up to play half court basketball games until the sun burned our skin. The more things change, the more they stay the same---only this time, we play under a roof.
3. Boracay is tha shit!
You hear everybody talking about this fabled summer spot and wonder, "What is with Boracay that makes people profess about it so much?" To make the long story short let me torture another cliché by saying "You gotta see it to believe it." A little caveat though, better be in your best and buffest shape 'coz it's not a good feeling being insecure while walking along Station 1.
4. Leaving your comfort zone is such a rush.
I joined a magic club this year and I was in for the surprise of my life. I met one of the nicest celebrities in Rannie Raymundo. Yeah I know he's already passé but he is one hell of a magician. And he's really accomodating too.
5. I am an affected person.
Ha! If anybody wants to know something important about me, it's this. I would have to be one of the most affected people in the planet. I essentially wear my emotions on my sleeve and when I mean that, boy do I mean wear it on my sleeve. I tend to get sentimental over the most trivial of things and I realized that a lot of people aren't as sensitive as I am. As I always said: my sensitivity is my greatest strength as well as my most glaring weakness.
6. Every new day brings another chance for you to become better.
This is very true. Each time I fail in something, I consequently learn NOT TO FAIL. I relish the moments that I take to make myself a better person. As of this moment I've already tallied 104 straight smoke-free days. Next up, getting in shape.
7. Faith and hope are powerful.
I waited for months for someone to offer me a job. I was bordering on depression and self-pity but when I did finally land one, I was overjoyed. I remember waking up after a night of continuous rain and seeing the sunlight peek through the trees in our backyard just for the briefest of moments. And I knew everything was going to be alright. An hour later, I got the call.
8. Connections get you somewhere.
My current supervisor and college batchmate, Maan, was the one who called. =)
9. Singers and celebrities are just ordinary people.
I saw Kitchie Nadal perform live before she went to the office to participate in one of our chat events. She was just one of us. She was pretty but she had a humble smile that said, "I'm just one of you guys." She never really exuded any prideful aura. You just can't help but realize that celebrities are just ordinary people going through the same number of hours in a day as you do, breathing the same air, having the same capacity for pain. I have yet to meet someone larger than life.
10. I know my breaking point.
I've gone through a lot of tests over the course of last year and some of them I believe I've failed. I've given up on some people and I've done so because I knew I couldn't take the neglect and the hurt anymore. I know my breaking point and that means that I did give it my best. The thing that gets me is that I already know what my breaking point is. I just honestly wish I didn't have one.
11. I am still confused about what I want in life.
Time and time again, I get sucked in to discussions of what my passion in life is. Then I try to picture myself becoming that person here in the Philippines and then I squirm at the idea that I have to live a life that is not going to be "practical" in Filipino terms. I could become an artist or a poet or a psychologist but it will not bear any solid ground in our economy in its current state. So now, I will be just an "account manager". I guess I just have to become everything at once. But I won't be surprised if I change my mind in a year's time.
12. When you move away from something, you consequently move towards something else.
Being single has taught me the value of seeing what you've left behind. There are so many people that I've forgotten about. Don't get me wrong--being in a relationship was awesome but at the same time, I couldn't get in touch with who I really was because of the countless fights and recurring issues. It required a lot of hard work to keep my last relationship alive but it was worth it. I just know now that this is sort of a tug of war. The farther you are from someone, the closer you become to the ones you've lost touch with.
13. Discretion is my newfound weakness.
Sometimes I just say whatever's on my mind. This is especially true for me when I talk about the "L" word. I sometimes get so confounded by it that I just lose my senses. I believe it's the artist in me crying out for the inspiration that has just befelled me. I guess I just have to keep it to myself and be a little more logical when being overrun by my passions and emotions.
14. I oftentimes leap before I look.
I've hurt a lot of people very much because of my tactlessness. I believe this is something that I need to change when I enter into another relationship again in the next decade or so. =)
15. I can get better at something if I work hard at it.
I saw myself improve as a basketball player and a magician over the course of the year. I just know that I can do anything as long as I just put in the work. Six-pack abs, here I come!
16. We are all better at something than some people are.
We can't help but compare ourselves to the next guy who makes the girls swoon over her or maybe for the women, the more "voluptuous" ones get annoyed when a model-like figure passes by. The point is, we shouldn't compare ourselves because someone, somewhere out there is working harder than us, more good-looking than us, more eloquent than us, or maybe more well-off than us. We all have our own talents and gifts. I hope we all learn to cherish what is already ours and want what we already have.
17. Sleep is a luxury.
This cannot be overemphasized. I just wish I was a kid again who had the schedule of two morning classes followed by 20 minutes of recess then two classes again before lunch. Nowadays it's so hard to keep the energy level up, we have to resort to Extra Joss and coffee to keep us awake.
18. I am still a kid at heart.
10 years ago, I started to play a hobby and I still play it up to now. I will soon be joining my first tournament this year for Magic: The Gathering. I know It's a card game...so sue me.
19. Your God-given talent should not be forgotten.
I once drew and sketched as well as wrote poetry of the grandest kinds. This year, I hope to rekindle the talent that God has given me.
20. Investing in your health is a good thing.
I will be working out starting this coming February. I just hope I am able to push myself harder each day. I just hope that I am able to finally quit smoking. That would be something to look forward to. 104 days and counting!
21. It is never too late.
I just hate the excuse that it's too late to change. I know that some people just use this to escape a lot of things and I might be using this particular excuse to run away from some of my problems but I just know that it is never too late. It's something I believe in because like Neo in The Matrix, I don't like the idea that I don't have any control over myself and my destiny.
22. Love cannot be coerced.
You cannot buy love or coerce it into submission. It is something that is freely given as well as freely taken. It will never ever be caged like a bird or it will die. Love is something for the free-spirited, the joyous and the open-minded.
23. We are always more fortunate than the next person in some way.
When we complain of not having enough variety in our meals, someone, somewhere will be grateful when he has what we have. We will always have less than the person who lives in posh condominiums or the most lavish of houses but in the same light, we already have everything we could ever ask for in the eyes of another.
24. I still have a long way to go.
It's been 24 years and this coming July, I will be a quarter-century old. I am up for the challenge. I believe I've already started my quarter-life crisis so I know that it will be a rough road ahead. But with God to guide me through the days, I know that I will be fine. He has provided for me for 25 straight years. I know he can do it far longer than that.
HAPPY 2005 TO YOU ALL!
1. Listening to your body always pays off.
March 15th of last year I fought off the temptation to continue my work as a call center agent because I was experiencing massive migraine attacks almost twice a week. Sooner or later I learned to work through the pain but I knew I wanted out. It's nothing personal. I would have stayed for the wonderful people and great supervisors that I had. Bottom line: my body said "No" and I couldn't disagree.
2. True friends never forget.
I recently got reacquainted with my bestfriend in high school. Carlo was one of those people who never counted favors. He even relished having company (maybe because he's an only child) because 8 years ago, I would sleepover his house and then wake up to play half court basketball games until the sun burned our skin. The more things change, the more they stay the same---only this time, we play under a roof.
3. Boracay is tha shit!
You hear everybody talking about this fabled summer spot and wonder, "What is with Boracay that makes people profess about it so much?" To make the long story short let me torture another cliché by saying "You gotta see it to believe it." A little caveat though, better be in your best and buffest shape 'coz it's not a good feeling being insecure while walking along Station 1.
4. Leaving your comfort zone is such a rush.
I joined a magic club this year and I was in for the surprise of my life. I met one of the nicest celebrities in Rannie Raymundo. Yeah I know he's already passé but he is one hell of a magician. And he's really accomodating too.
5. I am an affected person.
Ha! If anybody wants to know something important about me, it's this. I would have to be one of the most affected people in the planet. I essentially wear my emotions on my sleeve and when I mean that, boy do I mean wear it on my sleeve. I tend to get sentimental over the most trivial of things and I realized that a lot of people aren't as sensitive as I am. As I always said: my sensitivity is my greatest strength as well as my most glaring weakness.
6. Every new day brings another chance for you to become better.
This is very true. Each time I fail in something, I consequently learn NOT TO FAIL. I relish the moments that I take to make myself a better person. As of this moment I've already tallied 104 straight smoke-free days. Next up, getting in shape.
7. Faith and hope are powerful.
I waited for months for someone to offer me a job. I was bordering on depression and self-pity but when I did finally land one, I was overjoyed. I remember waking up after a night of continuous rain and seeing the sunlight peek through the trees in our backyard just for the briefest of moments. And I knew everything was going to be alright. An hour later, I got the call.
8. Connections get you somewhere.
My current supervisor and college batchmate, Maan, was the one who called. =)
9. Singers and celebrities are just ordinary people.
I saw Kitchie Nadal perform live before she went to the office to participate in one of our chat events. She was just one of us. She was pretty but she had a humble smile that said, "I'm just one of you guys." She never really exuded any prideful aura. You just can't help but realize that celebrities are just ordinary people going through the same number of hours in a day as you do, breathing the same air, having the same capacity for pain. I have yet to meet someone larger than life.
10. I know my breaking point.
I've gone through a lot of tests over the course of last year and some of them I believe I've failed. I've given up on some people and I've done so because I knew I couldn't take the neglect and the hurt anymore. I know my breaking point and that means that I did give it my best. The thing that gets me is that I already know what my breaking point is. I just honestly wish I didn't have one.
11. I am still confused about what I want in life.
Time and time again, I get sucked in to discussions of what my passion in life is. Then I try to picture myself becoming that person here in the Philippines and then I squirm at the idea that I have to live a life that is not going to be "practical" in Filipino terms. I could become an artist or a poet or a psychologist but it will not bear any solid ground in our economy in its current state. So now, I will be just an "account manager". I guess I just have to become everything at once. But I won't be surprised if I change my mind in a year's time.
12. When you move away from something, you consequently move towards something else.
Being single has taught me the value of seeing what you've left behind. There are so many people that I've forgotten about. Don't get me wrong--being in a relationship was awesome but at the same time, I couldn't get in touch with who I really was because of the countless fights and recurring issues. It required a lot of hard work to keep my last relationship alive but it was worth it. I just know now that this is sort of a tug of war. The farther you are from someone, the closer you become to the ones you've lost touch with.
13. Discretion is my newfound weakness.
Sometimes I just say whatever's on my mind. This is especially true for me when I talk about the "L" word. I sometimes get so confounded by it that I just lose my senses. I believe it's the artist in me crying out for the inspiration that has just befelled me. I guess I just have to keep it to myself and be a little more logical when being overrun by my passions and emotions.
14. I oftentimes leap before I look.
I've hurt a lot of people very much because of my tactlessness. I believe this is something that I need to change when I enter into another relationship again in the next decade or so. =)
15. I can get better at something if I work hard at it.
I saw myself improve as a basketball player and a magician over the course of the year. I just know that I can do anything as long as I just put in the work. Six-pack abs, here I come!
16. We are all better at something than some people are.
We can't help but compare ourselves to the next guy who makes the girls swoon over her or maybe for the women, the more "voluptuous" ones get annoyed when a model-like figure passes by. The point is, we shouldn't compare ourselves because someone, somewhere out there is working harder than us, more good-looking than us, more eloquent than us, or maybe more well-off than us. We all have our own talents and gifts. I hope we all learn to cherish what is already ours and want what we already have.
17. Sleep is a luxury.
This cannot be overemphasized. I just wish I was a kid again who had the schedule of two morning classes followed by 20 minutes of recess then two classes again before lunch. Nowadays it's so hard to keep the energy level up, we have to resort to Extra Joss and coffee to keep us awake.
18. I am still a kid at heart.
10 years ago, I started to play a hobby and I still play it up to now. I will soon be joining my first tournament this year for Magic: The Gathering. I know It's a card game...so sue me.
19. Your God-given talent should not be forgotten.
I once drew and sketched as well as wrote poetry of the grandest kinds. This year, I hope to rekindle the talent that God has given me.
20. Investing in your health is a good thing.
I will be working out starting this coming February. I just hope I am able to push myself harder each day. I just hope that I am able to finally quit smoking. That would be something to look forward to. 104 days and counting!
21. It is never too late.
I just hate the excuse that it's too late to change. I know that some people just use this to escape a lot of things and I might be using this particular excuse to run away from some of my problems but I just know that it is never too late. It's something I believe in because like Neo in The Matrix, I don't like the idea that I don't have any control over myself and my destiny.
22. Love cannot be coerced.
You cannot buy love or coerce it into submission. It is something that is freely given as well as freely taken. It will never ever be caged like a bird or it will die. Love is something for the free-spirited, the joyous and the open-minded.
23. We are always more fortunate than the next person in some way.
When we complain of not having enough variety in our meals, someone, somewhere will be grateful when he has what we have. We will always have less than the person who lives in posh condominiums or the most lavish of houses but in the same light, we already have everything we could ever ask for in the eyes of another.
24. I still have a long way to go.
It's been 24 years and this coming July, I will be a quarter-century old. I am up for the challenge. I believe I've already started my quarter-life crisis so I know that it will be a rough road ahead. But with God to guide me through the days, I know that I will be fine. He has provided for me for 25 straight years. I know he can do it far longer than that.
HAPPY 2005 TO YOU ALL!
