Paradigm Shift

Paradigm Shift

I think we lose the inner child in us when we grow older. And I believe it's just something that we really experience when life gets us down too many times; when we're swamped with work and all of the unimportant things in life. Sometimes we forget the first time we rode a rollercoaster or maybe the school-sponsored ferris wheel during our Foundation Day.

We forget the very first time we bought a pair of shoes that we really, absolutely, undeniably loved; and the feeling that came over us when we first started walking with them.

We forget the time that we laughed so hard that we were crying and having abdominal cramps because the more we tried to stop laughing, the harder it became to stop it.

We forget the first time we ever smiled at someone we didn't know.

To other people, it might have been a long time ago since they've done these things and for others, it might not even be as important because they can rent ferris wheels or can buy an entire shelf of new arrivals from Nike or can go to comedy clubs for laughs.

Some people never mind the little things anymore..the important things.

Some people just go through life without even taking part in it. They just manage to fit into the scheme of things without any hesitation. People sometimes go to work and act like an on/off switch. Everything else is automatic; everything else is routine, robotic, disconnected and aloof. You work, eat, work some more and then leave. The next day, the process begins anew.

A radio would probably have more life in it through the varying bars of its equalizer.

Everything around us has basically made the world a little smaller but it has also helped create an even bigger complancency--that of deciding not to reach out. We have almost lost touch with who we really are and we have exchanged it with something that we know is a lie. Sometimes, when I feel excited about something I wonder if the person next to me still feels that same feeling. We have been ruled by the hand that feeds us and we have succumbed to the cynical, the untrue and the pessimism that the world holds so dear.

We all lose touch of our inner child at some point in time. We only need to rekindle the magic that captured our hearts when we saw everything else in a different light.

All it takes is a little paradigm shift.

Notice To The Public

Notice To The Public

I'm in a slump right now. Not an emotional one but more of a writing slump. It's something like shooting 10 straight bricks in a basketball game. And I don't seem to have the same urgency in me to come up with material. It's probably because of fatigue. I haven't been sleeping really well these past few days. I guess the insomnia is kicking in again.

Anyway, I was thinking of giving my blog some uniformity when it comes to the content that I'll be putting in it. So, very soon, I'll be having one week dedicated to a certain theme or central idea. Of course there will be some occasional unrelated rants or raves like the one with Erik Mana but nonetheless, my blog will still have the same look and feel.

If anybody has any suggestion, please let me know. :)

Starstruck

Starstruck

I just got starstruck. Bad.

I met Rannie Raymundo and Erik Mana in the flesh last night!

All I could say is that I chose a pretty good night to tag along with my friend.

Now I know the feeling. =)

1:57 AM

1:57 AM

Dearest Nina,

I do not have the faintest idea of what you are thinking right now. I don't even want to pretend to know. But I am hoping for the best and expecting the worst. After our Great Misunderstanding last June, I am quite certain that your perception of who I am has deeply changed. For the worst, that is.

To you and your friends, I will be branded as "the-one-who-never-understood-you". And I readily concede to that title because I was always reversing roles with you when it came to who was right and who was wrong. This time, I am the guilty party but I still feel that we still had a lot to talk about. I don't want to point any fingers anymore because I really want to start all over again. But I know that will not happen anymore.

I have waited for two years to get back together with you. I have thought about the things that have led me to this decision to get up and try again. And I believe I have made this decision 6 months ago. I just wanted everything to be perfect that's why I delayed it this long. I wanted to get back together at the same time that you said "Yes" to me that sleep-stricken morning--1:57AM.

It has been 2 years but now, on the most important occasion of my life, I am unable to text, call or e-mail you because you told me not to. You got angry at me because I guess I deserved that kind of attitude from you. You might want to say that you got fed up with all of the bullsh*t that I've given you.

I would like to say sorry but I won't because it has been a word that has been overused in our relationship. I even think it has lost its meaning for me. But I still am regretful of the things that I have done to you in the past. And if given the choice, I would choose not to have met you at all so I couldn't hurt you how I did the past three years; how I'm hurting you right now. If ever I would be saying those words to you again, I would really mean it.

So now, on our "anniversary", I would still like to let you know that I still care for you and that I still love you. I miss you everyday. And when I look out the windows of my office my mind lingers on to the times we would smile at each other and suddenly feel our hearts beat a little faster. You were my dream girl but I didn't know what I had in you until you were gone.

I'm sorry Nina. I hope one sweet day, you can forgive me. I hope that a miracle will come to our lives and lead us back into each other's presence.

Until then,
Zeus



Better days.

Pensive Expressions

Pensive Expressions

It is one of those times again wherein I wonder how in the world I was able to survive the day. I try to piece together everything and everyone that has helped me get through the day unscathed. And I thank each and every one of you. You guys know who you are--those who talk to me, those who comfort me, those people who listen to me and my tale of woe...

                                      "The Graying of Skies"
                                         by Zeus Martinez

                              As I wake up to a squalid world
                              I am greeted by squeaking doors
                              and the torn windows of my empty room
                              And the picture frames are bare

                              I struggle to bring back the memory of you
                              For it is a long-forgotten tale
                              Because you have left me for false comfort
                              Where now is your love?

                              I try and fail to describe that day;
                              that day we said farewell
                              That time my sun set in sorrow
                              and never rose again.

...and to YOU, you know who you are. I miss you so much. I know it will not faze you even one bit, but I still want you to know that I dream and think about you everyday.

Everyday.

I really wish I never wake up. If I could hold on to those dreams forever, I would.

The Thickening Haze

The Thickening Haze

At the time of this entry's typing, I was currently in the office, literally on my 11th hour. It just so happened that doing a report for a tedious Thursday meeting the next day seemed like a more attractive idea to me at the time. I guess I just remember what Alanis Morisette said in one of his Jagged Little Pill hits:

"I'm tired but I'm working yeah!"

It's such pitiful thing that we take our jobs for granted sometimes. Maybe we feel like we have the short end of the stick because we're constantly under watchful eyes of a supervisor; or maybe because we can't surf Friendster without using a proxy site to get through the company's firewall. In the end, we should all be thankful because we have something we can hold onto, something that can divert our thoughts from the worries that plague our minds. After all, the majority of the people in our country don't have a stable job, steady source of income or even Internet access.

Each day that passes by, I recognize the importance of working the 9 to 5 job. Each and every setting of the sun, I am thankful that I have a job that I can run to when I have problems. A little time spent with something can do strange things to people. More of like a prison, the first time you enter it, you can't stop bad-mouthing your work, but in the end, you get institutionalized by the corporate walls and then after a tenure of 30 or more years, you can't seem to separate yourself from the idea of it.

Some people understand the finality and the seriousness of work and maybe that is why those types of people hold onto their jobs with all their heart and soul because they know that within that community, they are special, within that particular building, they are people with a capital "P". They are greeted by the courteous guards with a smile; they are patted on their backs by their beloved clients and are welcomed with open arms by their colleagues after an unforseen hiatus. Work becomes a second family for some people. And for a select few, it becomes their spouse.

It's not surprising to see some people sacrifice a lot for their jobs. For something that is so dear to one's heart, some people don't believe anything should come before someone else's job.

I, on the other hand, am at the point of being swayed. I am at a grey area right now and there is nothing I would like to have than a little bit of clarity.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

I had a YM conversation with Hazel yesterday. She's one of my good colleagues here at work. She said something that probably summed up what I was feeling at that moment:

"being alone is the breeding ground for insanity...."

I couldn't agree more.

Sunday was a burden to go through. It wasn't because I had a previous obligation to attend to or that I had an altercation with someone. I just felt so alone at that time. I literally felt tired because of the solitude. And yesterday, through the smiles and little moments of levity, I just felt so alone in this world. It just so happens that I'm very good in hiding what I'm feeling. Maybe that's why no one ever figures out suicides. You never even imagine that this one person whom you've just seen a couple of days or weeks ago is capable of ending it all.

And you heard their laughter and saw their made-up smiles but you never saw through such walls. And you just couldn't figure out why they did something as irrational as killing themself. That is, until you piece together each and every evidence that will further lay waste to the mourning and grieving. Until you realize that they always liked to be alone; until you realize that they never had any enemies--as well as friends.

And then you let out that sigh that forever leaves you empty and helpless.

Maybe for some individuals, ending it all isn't as irrational as it may seem to us. Maybe for them, it's the most rational thing to do because that's the only way to end all of their pain; that maybe the only way to be at peace is to feel nothing at all, to forever numb the heart and stop the rage and confusion and most of all, the memories.

I wonder if it ever works.

Waiting For The Answer

Waiting For The Answer

I wish someone would be able to sing this to me.

"Answer"
  Sarah McLachlan


I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
Why take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you that I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
And break choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you that I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind.


Is it too much to ask for someone to be your pillar of strength; to be there for you when you are at your weakest; to be there to catch you when you fall; to be able to give truth to all of the oversold clichés that you've heard ever since you realized that you can't make it on your own?

I guess for some people it is.

Like This And Like That

Like This And Like That

"Don't you find it amusing that we never run out of things to complain about?"

That was what I said to my good colleague, Regina when the sun was staring her down through the not-so-opaque window blinds in the office. She said that after it rained for five straight days during afternoons.

And to reiterate a point, I really DO find it amusing. I guess that's just our unavoidable impulse as blessed individuals. We really cannot lay off the ranting and whining--because that's just what we are: whiners. And I'm not about to play hypocrite here and say that I never do complain. It's just sometimes, I tend to notice that the people I'm surrounded with are not satisfied with eating three to four meals a day, having a house to come home to and having the luxury of taking a bath twice a day.

We will always find something to complain about.

And I think it should stop, lest all of our blessings be taken away like what happened to Job. I don't think we give God enough credit sometimes...some of us. Actually, if I were to point any fingers I'd end up facing a mirror because I, too, am guilty of being such a spoiled brat.

And it's so hard to just stop the habit. Hopefully I kick it before I get a wake up call.

Without A Clue

Without A Clue

As of this moment, even as you are reading this, someone is hopelessly and terribly lost. You might not even have to look around. Go ahead, look in the mirror. You might not even know where you are in your life right now.

It's a harsh reality that everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, you will find people who are utterly lost in a sea of confusion. But that's not even half of the story. The saddest part is, they don't even know it.

It is something akin to the reality of The Matrix. You do not even have the slightest idea that you're living a life of absurdity. I cannot blame these people for what they continue to do to themselves. Sometimes, they drown their problems in alcohol or maybe seek asylum in places where nothing can be heard except noises that seem to be louder than their problems. Now I understand. Sometimes the only way to forget is to have something more tangible than your worries; something which you can taste and touch; something that is temporary.

I don't understand why some people continue this type of lifestyle and continue with a diatribe that's directed to nobody in particular--just to the world in general. More of a "Me against the world" kind of thing. And they try so much to rush into things without giving them a second thought and after being run over a thousand and one misdeeds, they ask what they ever did to deserve what happened to them.

Yes, there is such a thing such as Divine Providence. But we always had free will to begin with. We simply can't go through our lives blaming anybody and everybody for what's happened to us. The second we claim responsibility for our lives and the choices we make, that's when the blinds are lifted off, that's when the haze begins to thin. And that is when we begin to see things more clearly. For there are none so blind as they who will not see.

Unlike Old Times

Unlike Old Times

I once came across a quote that went something like:

"The loneliest feeling in the world is missing someone while he or she is right beside you."

I never understood that until yesterday.

I met up with one of the most special people in my life yesterday. And now I understand what the quote wanted to say. It means that people change. Each and every person in this world will have to either grow a little bit taller, talk a little deeper or maybe become more attractive. Given some time, we all change. It was yesterday that I wished that all changes remained physical.

Talking to her made me realize that she grew emotionally and mentally. Maybe that was the reason why I felt so disconnected from her. I barely knew the person she had become. She had different wants and had certainly matured in her thinking. And I felt like an old rock having a conversation with a gust of wind. I got left behind.

I missed the old times when smiles would pervade our talks, when inside jokes were a common interjection between sentences, when long pauses of silence didn't mean a hurt ego. I was talking to the same individual, but different person.

The first time you learn the meaning of something, you never ever forget the moment. And you remember forever.

Revelations

Revelations

It’s been one hell of a week but I can say that today really was the coup de grace. I was walking in the mall during lunch hour when I had an epiphany. I just realized that I was alone in my pain. I was hurting….alone. And I couldn’t run to anybody. I couldn’t find people whom I could confide in and say that I would give anything to get a pat on the back or even a hug. I miss college. You could get hugs for free back then. Now, you need to find someone you’ve never hung out with for the past 6 months. Disheartening, isn’t it?

Anyway, I realized during my lunch out with Solitude, that the world never stops for you. It doesn’t care at all. I remember I was at this point in my life when I was a senior in high school and I can clearly remember moving forward in the school year from one grading period to the next. And today, I was in the same position…hurting for the same reason. And as I looked around the tables and chairs that surrounded me, no one cared if I was hurting.

No one broke any plates or even gasped; no one furrowed his brow to show any concern.

And the feeling drowned me in its somber grip until the writing of this passage. The rains poured down as if there were no tomorrow and I was hopelessly lost in another state of despair. Sometimes, you just can’t get away from these days and no matter how stoic you would like to remain, people still catch on to you and your secrets.

Regina and I were having a YM conversation and she said: “ur good u just wont admit it!”

One of the feel-good highlights of my dejected Friday. I really dig her optimism. Infectious, is what I would like to call it.

I’ve proven again that you find friends in the strangest of places and pillars of strength in the most humble of persons.

To End The Day

To End The Day

It's such a wonderful feeling when you do something right. It's a quiet contentment that swirls around you when you absolutely know that you've done something right. It feels like a sense of relief has washed all over you.

I brought my bestfriend pizza tonight because I knew she had a terrible day. She absolutely loved it and I couldn't help but smile when I was reading her text. "Champion!", she exclaimed.

It's so nice to put your happiness in the simplest of things.

Some people prefer to put theirs in pizza.

I'm just content to put mine in another person's smile.

On Letting Go

On Letting Go

One of the more real things in this world is the fact that sooner or later, we will have to let go of something. For our first encounter with the concept of finality it shouldn't be even the loss of a bestfriend, a relationship or (Heaven forbid) a loved one in the family.

My first tears were shed for a pair of electric blue Mighty Kid® shoes.

I can clearly remember that time. I was about 5 years old and I remember asking my yaya where my favorite pair of shoes were while she was trying to put on the new pair my parents bought for me. It just suddenly dawned on me that I didn't want a new pair. I wanted my electric blues. And when she told me she couldn't find it, I cried my heart out. That was probably my first memory of crying over something material.

By the way, I found my Mighty Kids® that same day. When my mom led me to the dusty old cabinet we had in the library, I saw my shoes and I couldn't help but notice that they weren't as shiny as before. Its colors seemed to pale in comparison to the new pair that I had. I tried them on and they fit like a glove. Everything was perfect but sooner I had to let go.

In our lives we have people we seem to can't let go of. More often that not, these are borne out of our own choice to keep the routine going; to pretend that everything else is fine because we had wonderful memories together. Sometimes, it is because we love the person so much that we cannot bear to picture life without that person. But eventually, when you step away from all the chaos; when you're already seated at the balcony, you view a different perspective that wasn't at all possible before.

That's when you know that you probably had enough. Or maybe the time given to the two of you is already up.

For some people like me, I see a worn-out pair of shoes that won't be able to support my feet because underneath its dulling color, the sole is already breaking. And to walk with them would certainly bring more calluses to my already blistered heels.




Letting go is such a hard thing to do. But for some people, it becomes more of a necessity than an alternative. Sometimes, we just have to let the wounds heal and go on our separate ways and hope against hope that one day, we find ourselves face to face with our past. This time, with clearer minds; this time with the maturity that time ultimately brings.

Complacency Kills

Complacency Kills

It’s been a while since the sun shone in all its glory. We’ve been having days when the sun would go up early and would then be eclipsed by the clouds and the gloom that comes with it. It’s been an on and off thing. All you can do is just wait for the seemingly predictable pattern to fade away. Sometimes, all we need in our lives is a hefty helping of change.

Within the past year, I’ve encountered more changes than what I could have possibly hoped to handle. I’ve switched jobs, left friends, disappointed people, took up new hobbies. Damn, I even have a new favorite NBA team. It’s just nothing short of a miracle that I am able to say all of this considering all of the depression that I’ve gone through the past years. I’m just thankful because I really did not expect to last this long. Then again, all of us are unaware of our time of reckoning.

All I’m saying is that sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, we need it more than it needs us. Because when we slip into that circle of complacency, that stagnant state of habit; that’s when everything else comes crumbling down. In relation to a Spanish soap opera that has Tagalog dubbing in it, that’s when the husband knows that his wife has already left him for someone who has given her more time and attention.

Complacency kills.

And I don’t even have to illustrate how. Everybody knows how the story ends.

Sometimes, to become a better person, we should be exposed to a certain amount of pain; a definite string of disappointments, before we can learn to appreciate what we have. We sometimes have to lose the remaining P20.00 that we have in our wallet to learn its value; that during a rainy day in the middle of Ortigas, that’s the only way home for a commuter like me.

I am fortunate enough to come home dry these past days. Let’s hope the only thing that doesn’t change is my luck.

My Dependence on Despair

My Dependence on Despair

Before anything else, let me make it clear that this is not another one of those sad posts that I normally make.

I was going through some of the poems that I made before and most, if not all, of them share only two themes: love and sadness. I find it very fascinating that people write the most beautiful lines when they feel these two emotions. In my case, I think some of my better poems were made when I was down; when I was nearing the brink.

I am just relieved that I have an outlet in writing. I never thought it would bring me a sense of peace and a security of sorts.

Expressing myself through writing has always been my therapy. Even though I despair most of the time, I’m still thankful that I have so much to write about. Life is all about attitude I guess. Everybody needs to have their perspectives made over. I hope this is the start.

                                            "Before the Slumber"
                                               by Zeus Martinez

                              I speak of a thousand heartbreaks.
                              I claim the sadness of the world.
                              and for the briefest of Eternities,
                              the tears start to fall.

                              And in the descent of water and salt
                              I find the union of hope and despair.
                              My eyes gaze upon the clear sky
                              which bades dark hues from afar.

                              I sing the saddest of songs
                              while caught in the dirge of innumerables
                              lazily making their way down the earth.
                              I am soaked but I am still thirsty.

                              It seems that I am otherwise trapped
                              in this fleeting melancholy
                              and I cannot wait to break free
                              to manage a faint smile before I sleep.

Like I said, the better ones were made when I was down. I guess for some people, inspiration will only come with tribulation.

Surprise, Surprise!

Surprise, Surprise!

Yesterday was a happy day for me. I helped throw my friend A.J. a surprise debut birthday party for my friend of 13 years. I guess he was surprised enough because all he could say to his cousin while flashing a really wide smile:
 

"Gago ka! Ba't di mo sinabi sakeeeen!"
(Eh sa nakalimutan yung definition ng "surprise" eh! 'Yaan mo na, birthday naman eh.  Hehe!)
 
Us friends had a blast just recounting that moment over and over again. :) Another one for the books.
 
Thirteen years. When you say it out loud, you wonder where those years went. And then you start to look back to your past. You suddenly realize that time doesn't wait for anyone. It flies by so fast that 13 years may come as quick as a blink of an eye.
 
I had so much fun yesterday because me and my friends were all there. You realize that these are the friends that you've been seeing each and every year when this particular date arrives. It's comforting to know that some things never change.
 
It's been 13 years and counting.
 
Can't wait for the next decade to come.

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ®

I think I already know why people are so engrossed about work. I think I'm already getting a glimpse of why work is so important to the Average Joe--or in our case, the Average Juan.

I believe that people revere work so much because it lets them escape their problems even for a very short while. It gives people the excuse to not think about their worries even for just a few number of hours because they have something more important to attend to at work. We wear our own personal masks in the office everyday and we don't even know it. After we argue with our parents before we leave the house, we return to the sanctuary of the workplace where another world awaits us--different responsibilities and different people to talk relate to. Everything is just not related to the problems that we have outside of these corporate walls.

And so I believe that to some people, the workplace isn’t that much of a prison as it is more of a haven of sorts. People go to work to make a living but I think work gives so much more back to the individual. I feel that work gives people a sense of purpose in life. I feel that work gives people the temporary relief they cannot find when in the presence of the people they come into contact day in and day out. It’s very strange because the people that we call family are the ones who make us feel bad day in and day out; they’re the ones who hurt us the most. (although I have to confess, all of us have our better days) And when people immerse themselves in work, they are given the chance to forget every hurtful word, every misdeed, every annoyance that happens in their life.

Sometimes, all I want to do is forget everything.

They say familiarity breeds contempt. I, on the other hand, disagree. I think familiarity breeds apathy and indifference.

Of course, not everybody will be able to relate to this. Not everybody has a dysfunctional family. I am still waiting for that Eternal Sunshine that will come and take all my trauma away.

The Big Picture

The Big Picture

I've always believed that when one door closes, another one opens. The funny thing is, sometimes, I find it difficult to look for the one that supposedly opened. I guess that's the way it is when you're so confused.

To tell you the truth, I don't think I've ever been as confused about my life as I am right now. I might blame it to the fact that I've already had two jobs in as many years, or to the many disappointments that I've encountered since I learned to cry.

Yes I am confused. And lost.

But I know there are doors that I still need to look for. They are out there, waiting for me; they are calling out my name.

In my search, I struggle to find that door and most of the time, I fail. Miserably. But that's only because I never realize that I've been standing in front of it like an ant standing on Heaven's gates.





Sometimes, we only need but to step back and look the grandeur that's in front of us to realize what we have.

Anywhere But Here

Anywhere But Here

I don't think anyone will ever understand me.

I say this because I myself find it hard to comprehend the enigma that is me. The feeling is similar to a rollercoaster plunge--you can't think straight. And when you even attempt to, the fleeting moment will not be enough because you know there's a giant loop coming your way. Sometimes, that's how I feel when I try to think. After having a monologue with my inner self about a troubling matter, I always find my mind drifting to a different thought; I always find myself having a million and one musings that can never be replaced by a sense of peace. At least not now.

It is a tiring fight that I fight. And sometimes, I wish that I can just throw in the towel and give up. I wish there was an easy way out...an easy way to end all of the pain but I have seen firsthand that the easy way out is nothing but a false promise. There is nothing easy in this earth. Not in this day and age. And especially not in this country. But enough of the side remarks.

If there's ever any one person I would like to meet, it would be someone who would totally understand what I've done and who I am. I would want to meet someone who shares the same pain and shame that I nurse day in and day out. I would want to meet someone who would accept my frailties and weaknesses and tell me that it's okay to make mistakes sometimes because after all, we're only human.

There comes a time in every person's life, where he must choose whether he will go on and continue the journey; whether he will steadily walk the arduous road ahead without looking back. And believe me, the decision to go on will never be easy. From a distance, it would seem that the challenge is daunting and that the only option for you is to walk away and end it all. But when you come up close and struggle to see the good that lies within, you cannot help but take that first step of faith and continue walking...to where, you never know.

All that's keeping you going is the thought of staying anywhere but here.