Enfeeblement

Enfeeblement

I am soooo tired right now. I just don't know where I'm getting tired at. As in I am really, physically tired. I've been sleeping more than the normal 8 hours of sleep but I still am so physically drained after work. Maybe it's just the annual meeting that's coming up in 3 days but I still am at a loss for words. I really honestly don't know why I am so tired.

I want to go to New Zealand.

I want to be a farmer there and have my own green expanse where I can sheperd my own flock of sheep. And then when I happen upon another sheperd who's looking for his lost flock I can go like Eomer in The Two Towers and say:

"Look for your sheep, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands.
Tee hee! =)

Damn, am I tired. I'm rarely this incoherent.

But I really want to go to New Zealand.



Middle Earth on Earth

The Lessons of 2004

The Lessons of 2004

1. Listening to your body always pays off.

March 15th of last year I fought off the temptation to continue my work as a call center agent because I was experiencing massive migraine attacks almost twice a week. Sooner or later I learned to work through the pain but I knew I wanted out. It's nothing personal. I would have stayed for the wonderful people and great supervisors that I had. Bottom line: my body said "No" and I couldn't disagree.

2. True friends never forget.

I recently got reacquainted with my bestfriend in high school. Carlo was one of those people who never counted favors. He even relished having company (maybe because he's an only child) because 8 years ago, I would sleepover his house and then wake up to play half court basketball games until the sun burned our skin. The more things change, the more they stay the same---only this time, we play under a roof.

3. Boracay is tha shit!

You hear everybody talking about this fabled summer spot and wonder, "What is with Boracay that makes people profess about it so much?" To make the long story short let me torture another cliché by saying "You gotta see it to believe it." A little caveat though, better be in your best and buffest shape 'coz it's not a good feeling being insecure while walking along Station 1.

4. Leaving your comfort zone is such a rush.

I joined a magic club this year and I was in for the surprise of my life. I met one of the nicest celebrities in Rannie Raymundo. Yeah I know he's already passé but he is one hell of a magician. And he's really accomodating too.

5. I am an affected person.

Ha! If anybody wants to know something important about me, it's this. I would have to be one of the most affected people in the planet. I essentially wear my emotions on my sleeve and when I mean that, boy do I mean wear it on my sleeve. I tend to get sentimental over the most trivial of things and I realized that a lot of people aren't as sensitive as I am. As I always said: my sensitivity is my greatest strength as well as my most glaring weakness.

6. Every new day brings another chance for you to become better.

This is very true. Each time I fail in something, I consequently learn NOT TO FAIL. I relish the moments that I take to make myself a better person. As of this moment I've already tallied 104 straight smoke-free days. Next up, getting in shape.

7. Faith and hope are powerful.

I waited for months for someone to offer me a job. I was bordering on depression and self-pity but when I did finally land one, I was overjoyed. I remember waking up after a night of continuous rain and seeing the sunlight peek through the trees in our backyard just for the briefest of moments. And I knew everything was going to be alright. An hour later, I got the call.

8. Connections get you somewhere.

My current supervisor and college batchmate, Maan, was the one who called. =)

9. Singers and celebrities are just ordinary people.

I saw Kitchie Nadal perform live before she went to the office to participate in one of our chat events. She was just one of us. She was pretty but she had a humble smile that said, "I'm just one of you guys." She never really exuded any prideful aura. You just can't help but realize that celebrities are just ordinary people going through the same number of hours in a day as you do, breathing the same air, having the same capacity for pain. I have yet to meet someone larger than life.

10. I know my breaking point.

I've gone through a lot of tests over the course of last year and some of them I believe I've failed. I've given up on some people and I've done so because I knew I couldn't take the neglect and the hurt anymore. I know my breaking point and that means that I did give it my best. The thing that gets me is that I already know what my breaking point is. I just honestly wish I didn't have one.

11. I am still confused about what I want in life.

Time and time again, I get sucked in to discussions of what my passion in life is. Then I try to picture myself becoming that person here in the Philippines and then I squirm at the idea that I have to live a life that is not going to be "practical" in Filipino terms. I could become an artist or a poet or a psychologist but it will not bear any solid ground in our economy in its current state. So now, I will be just an "account manager". I guess I just have to become everything at once. But I won't be surprised if I change my mind in a year's time.

12. When you move away from something, you consequently move towards something else.

Being single has taught me the value of seeing what you've left behind. There are so many people that I've forgotten about. Don't get me wrong--being in a relationship was awesome but at the same time, I couldn't get in touch with who I really was because of the countless fights and recurring issues. It required a lot of hard work to keep my last relationship alive but it was worth it. I just know now that this is sort of a tug of war. The farther you are from someone, the closer you become to the ones you've lost touch with.

13. Discretion is my newfound weakness.

Sometimes I just say whatever's on my mind. This is especially true for me when I talk about the "L" word. I sometimes get so confounded by it that I just lose my senses. I believe it's the artist in me crying out for the inspiration that has just befelled me. I guess I just have to keep it to myself and be a little more logical when being overrun by my passions and emotions.

14. I oftentimes leap before I look.

I've hurt a lot of people very much because of my tactlessness. I believe this is something that I need to change when I enter into another relationship again in the next decade or so. =)

15. I can get better at something if I work hard at it.

I saw myself improve as a basketball player and a magician over the course of the year. I just know that I can do anything as long as I just put in the work. Six-pack abs, here I come!

16. We are all better at something than some people are.

We can't help but compare ourselves to the next guy who makes the girls swoon over her or maybe for the women, the more "voluptuous" ones get annoyed when a model-like figure passes by. The point is, we shouldn't compare ourselves because someone, somewhere out there is working harder than us, more good-looking than us, more eloquent than us, or maybe more well-off than us. We all have our own talents and gifts. I hope we all learn to cherish what is already ours and want what we already have.

17. Sleep is a luxury.

This cannot be overemphasized. I just wish I was a kid again who had the schedule of two morning classes followed by 20 minutes of recess then two classes again before lunch. Nowadays it's so hard to keep the energy level up, we have to resort to Extra Joss and coffee to keep us awake.

18. I am still a kid at heart.

10 years ago, I started to play a hobby and I still play it up to now. I will soon be joining my first tournament this year for Magic: The Gathering. I know It's a card game...so sue me.

19. Your God-given talent should not be forgotten.

I once drew and sketched as well as wrote poetry of the grandest kinds. This year, I hope to rekindle the talent that God has given me.

20. Investing in your health is a good thing.

I will be working out starting this coming February. I just hope I am able to push myself harder each day. I just hope that I am able to finally quit smoking. That would be something to look forward to. 104 days and counting!

21. It is never too late.

I just hate the excuse that it's too late to change. I know that some people just use this to escape a lot of things and I might be using this particular excuse to run away from some of my problems but I just know that it is never too late. It's something I believe in because like Neo in The Matrix, I don't like the idea that I don't have any control over myself and my destiny.

22. Love cannot be coerced.

You cannot buy love or coerce it into submission. It is something that is freely given as well as freely taken. It will never ever be caged like a bird or it will die. Love is something for the free-spirited, the joyous and the open-minded.

23. We are always more fortunate than the next person in some way.

When we complain of not having enough variety in our meals, someone, somewhere will be grateful when he has what we have. We will always have less than the person who lives in posh condominiums or the most lavish of houses but in the same light, we already have everything we could ever ask for in the eyes of another.

24. I still have a long way to go.

It's been 24 years and this coming July, I will be a quarter-century old. I am up for the challenge. I believe I've already started my quarter-life crisis so I know that it will be a rough road ahead. But with God to guide me through the days, I know that I will be fine. He has provided for me for 25 straight years. I know he can do it far longer than that.

HAPPY 2005 TO YOU ALL!

'Tis That Time of the Year

'Tis That Time of the Year

Ah what the heck, 'tis the season to be merry anyways!





Merry Christmas to you and your family! =)

Two More Days

Two More Days

The countdown is almost up.



It's already two days before Christmas. Maan and I talked about how we never felt Christmas slowly creep up to us this time of the year. I'm wondering if it really has lost its splendor. When I was a kid, I used to love Christmas because it afforded me the opportunity to receive a lot of gifts from my family and all of my relatives.

Now, everyone suddenly stopped giving gifts and now we're the ones who are pressured to buy gifts to people we barely even know--our boss, our co-workers and each and every stranger who will consider it faux pas when you do not accomodate them during this season of gift-giving.

How I wish someone would accomodate me this time of the year and take the time to hear me out but I'd have a much bigger chance at winning the lottery. Everybody is attending to their own concerns. I wish the season was over.

Wishful Thinking

Wishful Thinking

It's a Monday yet I don't feel that it's the start of the week. I can't stop thinking about the coming days. It's like I've been dreading Christmas day to come. This year has not been good to me. Everything seems like a blur to me. All of the supposedly special holidays this year turned out to be real bad. I guess that's why I'm just preparing for the inevitable right now. So I'm counting two more miserable holidays before the year ends: this Saturday and New Year's.

I am especially sure that I won't feel the same old magic whenever I wake up on Christmas day. Times are hard right now as it already is. I just don't think the people close to me will get caught up in the routine of giving gifts. Come to think of it, I only know one guy who would even care to think about giving me something.

After all of the heartbreak and confusion that I've encountered this year, I just want to forget about it. I want to leave the memory of this year buried under the hopeful promise that 2005 will be better.

I never realized I feared Christmas this bad. The nostalgia, the pressures, the lonely feeling you have when you have no one to turn to...it just takes the wind out of you. I hope no one else feels what I am feeling on Christmas Day.

May all of you have the happiest of holidays.

A Necessary Evil

A Necessary Evil

Work is a necessary evil.

Yes, you heard me right: it is a necessary evil.

I believe it is so because we cannot seem to depart from it unless we are a king or a prince. But technically, the kings and queens of today still have to work on something else such as attending banquets and whatnot. So that takes care of the necessity of work. What about the evil that it brings? Ah, that is when the principle of relativity comes into play.

For some people, it will dawn upon them that work is something that they have waited for a long time. It represents independence, both financial and emotional. These are the types of people who have the excuse to stay late at night away from home because they have something to finish within the corporate walls of their workplace.

In contrast, there are some people who view work as something that takes away a lot of things from them. It takes away the closeness between two people because they will both have to spend time away from each other and in so doing, they will no doubt meet different personalities. In my experience, work introduces the idea of infidelity. I have worked two jobs and I have always come up with stories of people being unfaithful to their significant others or their spouses.

Work indirectly destroys relationships. It opens up man to the biggest of temptations and it does so without the slightest knowledge of the people involved. If you try to pry deeper, you'll find a hint of dysfunctionality among your co-workers that wasn't there before they started working. It's a sick feeling, I know but it's the most lucid of truths.

It happens and you know it. That's what's so great about movies. They're inaccurate and accurate at the same time.

How many times have we heard about the man of the house leaving his family just to earn a living in another country only to find his wife having another affair when he returns? The reverse is not foreign to us. Man comes home and brings home a mistress with him. Wife cries. Couple divorces.

It's all too simple yet so blindingly accurate.

And all of this happened because of the sincere and loving desire of the man to provide for his spouse and family. All because of work.

Bullshit.

Call me bitter but maybe the reason I loathe work is because it changed me so much. It turned my life upside down because after it was introduced into my life, it never had any good effect on me. Everything was just the same day in and day out. The same old routine whiling away my time. But even if I look at work like this I am also in its debt because it has taken away my fears and concerns. As I mentioned before, it is a prison and haven of sorts. It simultaneously chains you to a specific set of tasks each and every day and it also gives you legitimate reason not to think of your problems away from it. Like we always hear: "Never bring your family problems to work and leave your work at the office." Sometimes I just feel I have so much to do. It seems that I can't seem to catch my breath. I just need a long break.

Well there you ahve it. Relativity explained. One person might adore working so much that it almost becomes his or her life and another person loathing it because it has taken so much from him.

I almost can't breathe from the frustration that I feel. And if you should know, I am the latter of the two if you haven't noticed yet. I just hope I find the redeeming factor in all that has happened--something that will tell me, "It's alright, you got me in return." It may be a person or something else. Whatever it is, I will wait.

20/20 Hindsight

20/20 Hindsight

It just dawned on me earlier in the day: it's already been 5 months since I started working in YEHEY! I didn't realize time could pass by so fast. When you think about it in terms of working hours, that's a lotta time.

I can't say I really love the job. But one thing I'm certain of is I absolutely love the company. "Samahan nalang yung hindi nagpapaalis sa mga tao." We have people who have stayed in the company for over five years and they really treasure the companionship and the culture of the company. I talked to one of our MIS people and he said that one time, our director talked to them and said "Konting tiis nalang. Pag umunlad din ang YEHEY! sabay-sabay din kayong tataas ang mga sweldo." Sometimes, I can't help but think if they're just empty promises. I'm not bitter about how low my salary is because to begin with, my primary need has already been met--that is to work at a day job. After the turbulent 6 months that I spent in a call center, I can honestly say that the job was a big mistake. I lost a lot of things and opportunities back then as well as someone very dear. It would have probably been a lot different if my job didn't demand so much sacrifice. But we all learn the hard way that sometimes, the sacrifices that are demanded of us aren't optional. They become mandatory sacrifices--must dos instead of could dos.

Anyway, January 5th will be my sixth month in YEHEY! It will be the day when I will know for sure if I will become a regular employee. For now, I really don't want to expect. Maybe because part of me is wanting to look for something I really love doing. But what do I know? All I can do is write. Probably "listen" to people but nobody gets paid to do that. Wouldn't it be weird for you to get a job as someone who just listens and actively becomes interested in someone else's life? I'd probably be quite good at that.

I'm just writing whatever comes to my head right now. I'm just so lost right now although I am trying my best to find my way in the dark. It's just really sad to go through this road again alone. I once had a hand to hold when I was squinting my way through the fog and haziness but now, everything I do must be on my own. I think it's better this way. The only difference is now, I walk a little bit slower, tread a little more careful and as a consequence, listen more intently.

Hindsight is always 20/20. How true.

The Bittersweet Moment of Goodbye

The Bittersweet Moment of Goodbye

I am now officially quitting my long-time hobby of Magic: The Gathering. I say this because I have begun selling one of my prized collections---my dual lands.





For those people who cannot relate, picture yourself quitting the one thing you always want to do, picture yourself not blogging anymore or maybe you could think about how it's like not to play basketball again, not because you don't have time but because your decision was borne out of necessity. Imagine having your all-time favorite TV show finally reach its last episode. Picture yourself giving up that ONE THING you never want to give up in your life not because you can't have any more time to spare for that activity but because you absolutely need to give it up for something else.

Yes, I know. It isn't as easy as it sounds. But can you try and feel that sinking feeling that churns the insides of your stomach?

Since this will be one of the bigger milestones in my life which I will definitely remember, and since this is about something that has been very close to my heart, I would like to just give you guys a background on how I came to turn cardboards sideways.

I came to know about Magic: The Gathering way back in junior year highschool. The only things that I knew back then were sketching, writing poems and playing basketball. There were times when I'd watch a group of my batchmates huddle around a table where two players would silently sit with cards of different art, neatly placed in front of them while uttering one-liners each and every while.

Player A:"Forest. Go"

Player B:"Swamp. Dark Ritual, Dark Ritual, Sengir Vampire

Player A:"Concede.

I know, it sounds Greek to you but doesn't every hobby have its own string of jargons? You'd be surprised to find that each and every pastime has its own terminologies that would seem foreign to another person. Any other serious badminton player would know why it is good to balk before a service or how to explain why carrying a shuttle is an illegal tactic.

For the dialogue above, it's as cryptic as anything else in the world but for people who share the same passion as I do, we share a "dialect" that will only be understood by people who play the game.

So if you're having a difficult time understanding something, know that other people will share your sentiment when it comes to the things you love and give importance to.

I am quitting for several reasons. First, is I need the money. This will probably be one of my hard lessons in opportunity costs. Secondly, I don't have the motivation to go on any longer. There were times when I would want to play with people but I never got to join any sanctioned tournaments (yes, there ARE tournaments for these types of games) nor did I join any hardcore team who only knew Magic and nothing else. Lastly is because I'm starting to think that maybe it is a nonsensical hobby after all. I'll probably be torn between the first two reasons and my last one.

I will probably get the answers soon. Until then, Auf Wiedersehen, my precious duals. It took me almost a decade to find them. If that's what it takes to get them again, then I can probably wait that long. I will dearly miss them.

I wish I never had to part with them. =(

Super Me!

Super Me!

I just wanted to share a memory.





Either it was real cold outside or I wanted to be dressed up like a ninja/superhero. Hehe...kids!

# 4

# 4

Took one of the numerous online tests that I just happened upon and voila! Would you believe that I got my all-time favorite number in the process?

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What number are you?

I just realize that it's true--people can read me like a book. But continuing with the same line of thinking, not everyone understands each and every book he or she picks up. Same goes for me.

Man, I love epiphanies.

Coming Home

Coming Home

I just came from a wake last night. A dear friend lost his mom to cancer last Tuesday, November 23. What made this different from the other tragedies that I hear is that it was more real to me because I knew her. Tita Joey was one of the readily identifiable people in my church not only because I was good friends with her son but because she exuded a certain aura that made everybody around her feel better.

Once again, I am brought back to my senses. I realize that we are not going to be strong forever; that we will not be able to run 30 minutes straight on a treadmill without even fazing; that we will not be healthy throughout the entirety of our lifetimes. The point has been driven home hard--we will leave this earth. It makes me remember a saying that I read somewhere:

"Death is certain, living isn't."

We've all heard about death being the great equalizer and yet we still scoff at the idea when we drink a bit too much that our body already rejects the alocohol in our system or when we smoke a cigarette or when we take a hit of whatever designer drug that our peers take. It's all about "feeling good" at this particular moment, nothing else. And because of that selfishness, we suffer for it not a week later but several decades after---when everything else is in place; when we have a family who already loves us with all of their heart and soul.

And you know what the ironic thing about last night was? You probably won't believe it...

Tita Joey didn't smoke nor drink. And you know what else? She was the first of her generation to have cancer. Everyone else before her in her family tree didn't have it. It's a bit saddening because when you think about it, that's not fair. To have someone taken away from you after all of her good works she's done for God and for His people is not fair to me. Then again, if that time comes, we will never know why God called us home at this particular point in our lives. Until we ask Him Himself.

I have mixed emotions about everything that transpired. In some ways, I feel regret because I wasn't able to say goodbye to her because she was really of the nicest moms that I've encountered in my lifetime. And I also am happy and envious at the same time because I know that she is already with our Maker.

I told my own mom about it in Yahoo Messenger and she said that soon, we will all be walking the same path:

(9:18:14 AM): streets made of clear gold and huge pearl gates ... plus you get to see Jesus and God and the angels and Moses and Daniel and David... sulit na rin...

Sulit na sulit nga.


In Loving Memory of Tita Joey Vila

Tongue-Tied

Tongue-Tied

"I know this."

I just heard this familiar tune when I was browsing the web. Can anybody tell me the title of this tune?

All I know is that it's something that you can put in an Alice in Wonderland movie. A bit scary, but it's all-too familiar for it to be.

Basketball Fever

Basketball Fever

Woke up at 5:00 in the morning to heat my bathwater. And as I was waiting I thought to myself: "I can't believe I'm waking up this early just to play basketball." And to think I even played the night before. I met up with Carlo, one of my really, really good friends in high school. We had an affinity for basketball so we kind of hit it off right from the moment I met him in 3rd year high. I just met up with him at Shell along McKinley Road and we laced up to play in Dasmariñas village.

I can't believe I played five full court games in a span of 3.5 hours. Mind you, the people I played with weren't pushovers. I played with a former member of Toyota and Crispa as well as the older brother of PBA superstar, Ronnie Magsanoc. Everybody in that gym either had game or took yours. It was really fun playing and just sweating like a pig. :)

I also couldn't believe how Carlo got better. One game he tore up the other team with 14 unanswered points and finished with 21. And this was the same guy I was schooling in high school. I guess, there's really no substitute for passion as an ultimate equalizer. As long as you love something and you keep on doing it over and over again, eventually, you'll end up on a higher level than the rest of the people who didn't push themselves quite as much.

I really love that idea. Gives me hope. Maybe the next time I board a three in the gym, people won't have to raise their eyebrows.

Taking The Road Less Travelled

Taking The Road Less Travelled

There comes a time in a person's life when he has to move on. For me that moment cannot be any more timely than now. I am now at a point in my life wherein I choose to no longer be shackled by the limitations that have beset me during the past few years. I am tired and weary and I feel that I cannot go on any longer with what I have been. I am ready for learning yet another lesson that life has to offer--although I am still uncertain of what it is. Even if it a road less travelled, I am still willing to tread on it.

I am happy now because I am taking that next step: that eventful stage of stepping outside of my comfort zone. There is no one else I consider depending on except myself, my family and my extended family (short for friends). Whatever fastball that life will throw at me, I am more than willing to catch it--all 101.9 mph of it.

Behind The Mask

Behind The Mask

There will always be secrets that you will always keep from someone or everyone. I have a handful of friends who know my deepest secrets but they do not know me fully. I am slowly beginning to understand that I am a wearer of masks. And I do so not because I aim to deceive people but because I feel safer. I almost revel being behind a mask of pride than be under the spotlight of prejudice. I would rather slip behind the mask of apathy than see myself crumble to the ground when I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I feel the need for hiding is great because sometimes I believe that people will not accept me if I do not fit into their standards of what a person should be. Fortunately I have about 2 or 3 people I know who accepts me for who I am. But sometimes I cannot help but think to myself if they will ever change in the future...after all, everybody does.

I miss the comfort of long conversations when someone will really want to listen to me and my tales of sorrow, happiness, guilt, confusion, defeat, victory and survival. I miss having to sit down with someone who honestly and wholeheartedly wants to just listen to me. That's it---just listen. I think people underestimate the power and luxury of having a friend you can count on when all else in your world breaks down.

In the end, after all the distractions have lost their luster, after you've focused so much on yourself, when you feel this type of loneliness, you will understand what I am talking about. You'll just want to have someone to really care about what's happening to you.

Until then, I will wear my masks in the hopes that someone will see right through me.

Bring It On

Bring It On

I don't know if this November will be a better month. And I say that because even though I'm finally getting the space I need to be my own solitary self, I am oblivious as to what will happen next. Also, at this stage in my life, I am too tired to care about the people who continuously hurt me so I just ignore them altogether. It's just tiring being the one who always understands; being the one who always has to take the brunt of the blow.

Simply put, this year has been one of the worst years in my life. I honestly don't know if the menace is over but I am expecting the worst right now to tell you the truth. I just cannot believe what people have been able to do to me this year.

But it is an eye-opener to me and I now am aware that in this life, anything bad is possible. But with all honesty, I can now truthfully say, "Bring it on".

Wants and Needs

Wants and Needs

It just hit me that I won't have everything that I hope for.

Not because it's the truth, but because it's just fair. Everybody else can't have everything they want. Why should I be any different?

I was thinking about the things that have happened to me this year. I know...it's a bit early for reminiscing and flashback episodes but hey, this is my blog. =) Anyway, I can honestly say that I am one year wiser albeit a bit sadder. I know that for a fact because last October, I was in the company of good co-workers who later on became my friends. That was one hell of a ride. I could say the same for this year. This year hit me like a freight train speeding unlike anything I've ever experienced before.

It hit me smack dab in the middle of heart and soul.

And to tell you the truth, I think I haven't landed from the blow yet; I feel as if I'm still flying....waiting to crash. *sigh*

Anyway, I have realized that I can't have everything although I WILL work on trying to get some of my inane and trivial wants in this world. Here are a few of them in no particular order:

1. A goatee. I think I've been shaving my chin since forever and I still haven't amassed enough hair to call it a goatee. I'd actually think that'd look good on me. Or at least I'd like to see myself carry a good one.

2. 4 Mishra's Workshops. It's a hobby of mine. Magic cards? Doesn't ring a bell? Became famous back then in 1997? Still sound Greek to you? Okay, next!

3. A healthy knee. I actually believe I already have arthritis in my left knee. Whenever I play basketball these days, it feels quite sore and I have to keep massaging the plate for it not to throb. Damn, I'm old.

4. Six-pack abs 'Nuff said.

5. A cigarette-free year Actually, I'd like to have a cigarette-free lifetime. I think having cancer in our genes is enough. I'd probably die of colon cancer or some other excruciating disease.

I guess that's it for now. Thanks for reading this far. Until next time!

Just an Afterthought

Just an Afterthought

I was just browsing through the dusty drawers of my room when I happened upon this poem:

When can I smile again?

When can I smile again?
When will people stop putting
labels on my faltering ego?
I want them to notice that
I, too, am human...just like them

When can I smile again?
When will the rest of the world
stop judging and start loving?
I want them to notice that
I, too, am human...just like them

Too many questions demand
to be answered
Too many hearts still
close out on me
So much wasted time

When can I smile again?
When can I know joy and love
for the second time around?
I want people to notice that
I, now, am dying...and that I need them.

by Zeus Martinez
April, 16, 1999


To tell you the truth, I can't remember anymore what I was thinking back then. I can't remember anymore why I wrote this poem although I could surmise that this was probably about people in my university since this was already during my time in college. *whew* When I listen to myself, it seems as if I'm really old. (which I concede I am) I guess all I can say is that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Picking Up The Pieces

Picking Up The Pieces

Don't you sometimes feel so fatigued because you're waiting for something to happen. I can't really help but throw my arms in the air in despair sometimes when I hit my lowest of lows. It's such a draining feeling that I get when I try with all my might to avert my thinking, when I try to adapt a new model of perspective.

I never knew a paradigm shift was this hard to obtain.

To the people who visit my blog, this might seem like a random collection of words that seem nothing but vague outbursts. To be honest, I confuse myself with who I really am. A colleague of mine pointed out that I really have to find out who I really am. I think that's a big step that I need to inevitably take. It's a hard road ahead but there are times when I see flashes of who I really am in reality. And when I realize who I am, I cannot help but squirm in disbelief not because my eyes do not lie but my heart tells me the truth.

And so, I will begin my journey anew. I am about to reinvent myself. How much will be entirely up to myself. I am of course, not promising any physical mutations such as tattoos (albeit I find them fascinating) or anything of that sort. But I am on a quest to change the little things that I feel I MUST NOT live with. I think I've taken a first step in quitting a bad habit (again) so I proposed to myself: "Let me take it from here."

I just hope I never backslide again. I think a part of me should finally resolve to say "No" when I know it's the right thing to do. I guess that will be the next item on my to-do list. Talk about having your work getting cut out for yourself.

Full Recovery

Full Recovery

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything here in my blog. My apologies to those who have been seeing the same old stagnant entries everytime they visit. It's just that I've been swamped with a lot of stuff and I am literally thinking about a million and one things as of the moment. To tell you the truth, I wonder if it ever stops.

Anyway, news flash! I'm a bit well already from the cough that has plagued me since the 25th of last month. I try to bring a face towel with me everywhere I go just so I can keep my back dry whenever I commute. It's so nice to listen to your own breathing when it's not interrupted by sudden outbursts of coughing. It's also really nice to breathe through your two nostrils instead of just one. Having a stuffed nose was hell because it was accompanied by sinusitis. Last year I had a similar type of condition but it lasted for around 2 months instead of 3 weeks because I was working the graveyard shift in a call center so I don't think I was given the chance to recuperate at all. Now, I'm thankful that I'm able to breathe normally and cough when I want to.

So now, I'm back to my "healthy" self and hopefully, my posts will be too.

Eccentric

Eccentric

I just met up with a long lost friend two days ago. And when I mean "long" I mean exactly the same thing. The last time we saw each other was a little after we graduated from high school. To me that's like a lifetime already. So much has happened over the years that it seemed a bit surreal talking to him over a gigantic mug of Strong Ice over in Timog. I felt I was dreaming back then because we left a great friendship for our respective college courses and I guess I never had the chance to keep in touch with him.

We talked about the past, present and future and I couldn't help but quietly say to myself "The more things change, the more they stay the same."

He confesses to be more on the eccentric side but aren't we all? I think all of us has a certain type of madness that we all have deeply shut out--that certain eccentric side of us. I could never ever talk about myself and my musings as freely as he did that night. It seems as if I'm holding back. Then again, I don't know what it is I am suppressing. *sigh*

It's so hard to read something you absolutely have no idea about isn't it?

Welcome to my world.

Mere Mortals

Mere Mortals

You really can't stress enough how important something is until you lose it.

This weekend, my immune system caved in and I had a bout with the flu. I'd like to think it was any ordinary attack but when you have a sore throat, stuffy nose, migraine AND a high fever apart from the sore joints, you'd hardly claim it was anything ordinary.

I guess I've been taking my health for granted. And this is so ironic because all of this happened after I talked to my long lost highschool buddy about getting back into basketball shape. :)

All I want to say is that we should all treasure whatever is important to us. May it be our families, our loved ones and our health. When I was lying on the bed breathing through my mouth (because of the stuffy nose I had) while trying to sleep, all I could think about was how and when I could get better.

Sometimes, we really can't rely on ourselves to keep our health in check. We almost always need the unsolicited help of diseases and viruses to tell us that we are not invincible and that we are mere mortals.

Sniff, Sniff

Sniff, Sniff

I think I've finally caught the bad case of colds roaming around the office. This will probably be the first time this year that I've had a stuffed nose so bad that my head hurts.

Damn. I feel my head's in the middle of a vise.

Last time I felt like this was when I started taking calls in my first job as an agent. So much for the sweetness of nostalgia.

Anyway, I gotta crash. I'll probably just sleep it off and wake up feeling worse.

Realizations

Realizations

I think I need to reinvent myself.

Last Song Syndrome

Last Song Syndrome

People are People
by D' Sound


I am the one
who believes in all that you say
I am the one
who never wants to define herself
I am the one
who’s paralell, upfront, behind
I am the one
paddling like crazy through the night

Refine, old time, colourblind
Big sign, do time, doesn’t rhyme
A lot, to much, standing tall
And I’m crying in the valley:
“I shall never, ever fall!”

People are people
and I feel so strong
People are people and I’m
going on

I am the one
who stirs it up everytime
I am the one
who never knows how close she is
I am the one
who’d rather be dead than confess
I am the one
trying to be good, wanting to be bad and so on

Excess, temptress, big mess
Phoney, lonely, it’s a test
Be still my heart, don’t you fail
And I’m crying on the stagefloor:
“I will always prevail!”

I’m going on…


A really nice song I got from Elaine. :-)

Our Dying Motherland

Our Dying Motherland

As of the moment, I go through each day thinking what will become of my future.

I think to myself: "How do you even start a family in this country in this day and age with all of the corruption that is going on in our government?"



It almost seems impossible to fathom but to be honest, the sliver of hope that I am clinging to is fading fast.

Everywhere you go, you are treated like strangers by fellow-Filipinos. And these same people would gladly smile and converse with the foreigner next to you. Like what one of my friends said we live in a country with so much colonial mentality. I'm beginning to wonder if the saying "Familiarity breeds contempt." is one of the absolute reigning truths here in our Motherland.



It's such a sad and hurtful thing to see a cashier sneer at you when you give them a large bill when you're ordering a simple meal; or if the driver of the passenger jeepney you're on doesn't even bother to give you your change of 50 centavos; or when the taxi driver takes a longer route to your destination just so he can extend the meter's sum total.

Some people might worry about more trivial things like how to get to Saturday night's party without fear of having your friends' friends notice that you wore the same outfit two weekends ago.

The brunt of the hurt is felt by the common people, the masses, the bourgeois.



And it bothers me when I think about what will happen to our government if this trend continues. We could be more than what we are today. Sadly, the people in our government have ulterior motives...and that translates to everybody else.

We are all struggling to keep afloat in this God-forsaken country. It's such a shame that looking at the trend, the status quo will remain for many more years to come.

It Hurts

It Hurts

I am at my worst right now.

I don't see the point of moving on with life if you don't have anybody who understands you. I really don't get it.

But most of all, I miss her. With all my heart, I miss the love that we once shared. But now, I have been replaced by something else...something more important.

I guess I had it coming all along. All I am is one of life's biggest mistakes and nothing else.

The Value of Friendship

The Certainty of Friendship

Change has pervaded my life ever since I started working. My very first job was at the BEST call center in the Philippines. *wink* At that job, I gained a lot of friends whom I didn't have any direct connections with. They were from different universities as well as various backgrounds. I really did not expect that I would become close to them because I had my own set of friends before I dove into the abyss of the workplace.

I had my highschool friends, my college friends and my village friends. I really didn't think I could have any more space for some more.

And so I stayed quiet. But in due time I opened up to them like a flower approaching the first morning of spring. After I left my job, I never thought I would find friends as great as them.

It seems that life will always surprise us with a lot of things.






L-R: Maan, Hazel, Regina, me.



I have been fortunate enough to have been blessed once again.

I Am...

I Am...

...a distraction to others...

...a distraction unto myself...

...a lost soul...

...a terrified wanderer...

...inadequate...

...distressed...

...under duress...

I am everything else that any lost and lonely soul may ever become. I am a tired passenger on life's longer journeys and I am yearning for sleep.

Someone, anyone...somebody save me from me.

For the 80's Kid

For the 80's Kid

Simply an 80's classic.

I think I even cried during the movie.

	Love-a-Lot Bear You love to take care of others and people love being around you because you make them feel appreciated. You are very sweet and soft-spoken. You are also a romantic and consider yourself an excellent matchmaker, so you tend to be a bit nosy. But everyone still considers you the sweetest person they know.
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

Thinking of Days Past

Thinking of Days Past

I once sang this song for someone who I considered to be really special in my life. I called her up and just started to sing without even saying "Hello".

Can't Cry Hard Enough

I'm going to live my life
Like every day's my last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast

And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

I'm going to open my eyes
And see for the first time
I've let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough

For you to hear me now
I'm going to look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is just an empty chair

And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now


I put down the phone after the last line. Lalang....memories.

And 1

And One

Looking back, last Friday played out like a movie in the making. Everyone else in the Sales team went out for a client call except me. :) And I said I wanted to just stay so at least someone can answer the phone.

And someone did indeed call.

I woke up with a case of LBM today. I have to remember to look at the isaw as it is being cooked next time. Anyway, I just stayed home, drank Immodium, ate bananas, drank some green tea and Coke and slept. After I woke up at around 6:40 PM I got a text from Regina that went like:

"Hey we g0t it!!! Wah00!! Sori im at d gym! Hehe! Astg as in they wer s0 nice and all! Maan was d b0mb! 2 m0nth campn man!"

I felt the sleep rub off me and I stood up and pumped my hand in jubilation. Maan's the bomb! Definitely Regina and Hazel too! :)

And 1, baby!!! =) Go Sales!!!

To Court Love is to Court Pain

To Court Love is to Court Pain

I am an observer by nature. I find myself looking and listening than talking the night away in a random gathering.

And what I have observed is that people know so little about love and the equal amount of pain it can potentially cause. People are absolutely oblivious to the fact that whenever you court love, you court pain. That is a pre-given and nobody is exempted from the sting of lost or broken love. It is a feeling that everybody goes through whether you have been in one relationship or a hundred. That is the premise that I wish to share:

"Whenever you truly, genuinely love someone, you must also be prepared to hurt as much."

I have heard countless stories of people loving another only for the story to end when the person leaves their current love for a better deal. I have heard of couples in a relationship who split up because the other person finds it easier to concentrate on his job rather than the relationship. All of a sudden, from #1 to almost gone.

It is a sad and dreadful truth; one which looms over us like a dark cloud upon us before the downpour. And all of us have no control over it as much as we cannot stop a single drop of rain from falling. We cannot master Love because it can be taken from us as much as it is freely given. It is a reality we must all face that if we say "Yes" to someone else, we must also consider the fine print that comes with it. It might be prudent to include after the affirmation the following phrases:

"I am allowing my vulnerability to be exposed."

"I give you the right to hurt me."

"I know this will hurt if you leave but let's try anyway."

No one can dictate to us who we want to love. And that is the truth that some people forget. If you love a person, that is all because you decide it upon yourself that this particular man or woman is worthy of your love. But when the person does not reciprocate the love that you bestow, that is only because of this one God-given right. It will be probably one of the one greatest possessions we mortals will ever have.

It is called free will.

We shouldn't blame the person we give our love to for loving someone else other than us because it is not right. We give our love to someone; we surrender everything else except our souls to this one person not because it is a requirement. We do it not because we are obliged to, but because we want to. Out of all the people in the world that we have met, like a king knighting a soldier with his royal scepter, we choose to love one person. But let us not forget that we are not kings or queens.

The love that we bestow upon this person is honorable, yes...but our word is not final. The person can always say "No".

Or leave us...

Or go behind our back...

Or cheat on us...

There are a thousand and one reasons why someone will decline but that should not be taken as a reflection of our inadequacy or incompetence. They are all part of a plan. As to what plan and why it is structured as such, I have no clue.

All I can say is that all of us have our own journeys to follow. I would like to think that whenever we fail in a relationship, it does not mean that we are bad people. To me those slips and "failures" are just stepping stones we must need to cross in order for us to get to the other side. We should look at these as rocks in a river which will bring us closer to the The One.

It just so happens that some people have wider rivers to cross, faster currents to keep cautious of, and stronger gusts of wind to fight while crossing that proverbial river. And so we must bid our time, wait for the right opportunity when we should jump onto the next rock. Or else we will just slip because of the raging water, lose balance because of the wind, and fail once again.

Once you understand how your surroundings are and how the river flows, you should do just fine.

More Time

More Time

I wonder what it would be like if we simply had more time. I, for one, would like to have a day extend up to 32 hours--that of course being all else equal. A day that would consist of an 8 hour job, 8 hours of leisure time, 12 hours of sleep and 4 hours of just doing what you love to do--whatever it may be. I think I need just a little extra time sometimes.

That would be a loooong day but I sure would like to experience one. Even just once.

I wonder what it would feel like. One would probably be bored to death. Most people would probably turn out to be lazier than they are. I just sometimes find it difficult to squeeze everything else that I want to do in one day. I sometimes find it hard to pursue my other hobbies because sometimes when I'm done with work and I go home, I just fall flat on my face and sleep 'til the morning comes. It's a tiring routine but every now and then I manage to keep up.

As for us mortals who dwell on a plane of existence that is governed by time, we have no control over it so we will just have to make do with whatever we have.

Learn everything we can.

Be the best person we can be.

And last but not the least, make the world a better place because we're in it.

Clichés and Regrets

Clichés and Regrets

After nearly a quarter century of living in this world, you can't seem to face the fact that nearly all of the clichés and familiar sayings you've ever heard seem to apply to you.

"Time flies by so fast."

"Life was simple back then."

"If I could only turn back time."

"Hindsight is always 20/20."

And my personal favorite..."What if?"

It's a bit saddening to come to terms with the fact that life will no longer be easy for you anymore. It's a bit hard on the people who have been sheltered from the difficulties of life when they realize that from here on in, it will be a life of thankless work and a thousand and one mistakes. After all, we are all entitled to that type of life. There wouldn't be any growth at all if everybody was right all the time.

Time and experience is a valuable teacher. This I have proven time and again.

I read someone's comment about being nostalgic. The person said that there wouldn't be any point in complaining about how easy we had it back then; how we didn't think of how much we were spending when we bought something. Now, we always need to look twice in our wallet and spend a few seconds to mentally compute if the value meal that we're planning to eat will be worth it or not. Damn.

I wonder if this will ever stop. I'm wondering if I would still feel this way if I worked in a different country. I wonder if I would stop worrying about things if I had more money. I wonder I wouldn't have any more problems if I became more financially stable. Even though, it's tempting to subscribe to that belief, I still don't want to. I still believe that money is the root of all evil--that is with the condition that if you allow yourself to be consumed by it.

I really have no idea on what to expect of this country and the life that is ahead of us. I am only hoping that 10 years in the future, we won't be looking back in despair and say that we had it easy back then.

Talk Show on Mute

Talk Show on Mute

Sometimes it just totally escapes me when people see grey instead of black; when people see good in something that is generally considered evil. Maybe for these types of people we really cannot hope to clear the mixed-up hues of their reasoning. Maybe they need to learn everything the hard way.

It's such a sad feeling to know that someone you care about is going on about things the wrong way. It disheartens me when you have a friend that just will not listen to whatever it is you have to say because they have made up their mind about the issue and no one is going to persuade them to think otherwise.

I find it sad when my friend gets their heart broken into a thousand pieces by someone who wasn't even worth their time but I find it even more disturbing if that person didn't learn from his or her mistake. I have a good friend who thinks it is inconceivable to go for one whole year without ever entering into a relationship even if he hasn't known a girl for very long. I also have a good friend who just won't stop playing the game just because it's fun.

I mean sure, it beats sitting by your bed on a Friday night thinking about what to do the next day but it sure as hell won't give you the insight and wisdom that you need to become a better person after you're through with them or vice versa.

People..

..are..

..rushing..

..into things..

And they don't even know that they do. That's the saddest part of being closed-minded. To yourself, you're doing the right thing because it makes you happy. But to the people who love and really care about you, all you're doing is destroying what could be a prosperous and beautiful life. To the person who can't stop and smell the roses, everything else that we talk about will ultimately be a talk show on mute because they will never listen to anyone but themselves.

I wonder if they're ever right. I just hope they are.

Which Endless Are You?

Which Endless Are You?






Death, the second of The Endless, you are responsible for ending all lives and taking them to your realm, from which no one ever returns. You are bright, positive, happy, optimistic and enjoy everything about life, but that does not mean your silly or stupid. You can lay the smack down when you have to! Everyone loves you, and they don't know why.


Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ours Alone

Ours Alone

Everyone of us will come to a time when there seems to be nothing else but complications and chaos. But to the more blessed of us, we will always have something to run to...something we can always call home.

I believe that to me, writing will always be my treasured gift. It is one of those rare blessings that can keep someone occupied as long as he wants. There is no other requirement except a pencil and paper. The rest comes from the big mass of tissue we call the brain. And it is such a wonderful thing to be able to come home to that gift whenever you want to--whenever you need to.

All of us should have found something that we come home to. All of us should have something we can call our own; something we know we're good at. All that it takes is a little bit of creativity and having passion for the growth of that gift. We should all be thankful of what we have. Whether it be a knack for saying the right words or having people open up or mixing colors on a canvas or just plain 'ole writing.

Nobody can take your gift away from you. Why don't we all build on that idea?

Find yours and let it grow.

On Inevitability

On Inevitability

Lately, I have been witness to inevitability and to the things it can do to people. It can destroy as well as rebuild; it can heal as much as it can break hearts. For me, inevitability is something like a predator that is stalking you. Soon, there will be nothing to hide and nowhere to go to. You ultimately succumb to its power. And something in me is not comfortable with something such as powerlessness. I cannot be contained. I choose not to be because I am not a statistic.

People all around us give up so easily because they feel that everything else will end in flames. Although this is not far from the truth, still we should be bearers of optimism because nobody likes the sting of the cynical.

Although I have to admit that I am as guilty as the next person when it comes to giving up, I still would like to think that there is something good left in me even if a lot of people think otherwise. Sometimes, I actually believe that I am someone who is inadequate and self-centered. But most of the time, I just feel like a boy losing a battle against a giant tide. And when I struggle to surface for air, it seems as if another wave is already over my head--ready to bring me down. Sometimes I almost don't want to go up anymore.

The strength of the waves in my life is pinning me down deeper the depths. All I can do right now is keep on fighting my way up for air because that's the only way I don't drown.

Paradigm Shift

Paradigm Shift

I think we lose the inner child in us when we grow older. And I believe it's just something that we really experience when life gets us down too many times; when we're swamped with work and all of the unimportant things in life. Sometimes we forget the first time we rode a rollercoaster or maybe the school-sponsored ferris wheel during our Foundation Day.

We forget the very first time we bought a pair of shoes that we really, absolutely, undeniably loved; and the feeling that came over us when we first started walking with them.

We forget the time that we laughed so hard that we were crying and having abdominal cramps because the more we tried to stop laughing, the harder it became to stop it.

We forget the first time we ever smiled at someone we didn't know.

To other people, it might have been a long time ago since they've done these things and for others, it might not even be as important because they can rent ferris wheels or can buy an entire shelf of new arrivals from Nike or can go to comedy clubs for laughs.

Some people never mind the little things anymore..the important things.

Some people just go through life without even taking part in it. They just manage to fit into the scheme of things without any hesitation. People sometimes go to work and act like an on/off switch. Everything else is automatic; everything else is routine, robotic, disconnected and aloof. You work, eat, work some more and then leave. The next day, the process begins anew.

A radio would probably have more life in it through the varying bars of its equalizer.

Everything around us has basically made the world a little smaller but it has also helped create an even bigger complancency--that of deciding not to reach out. We have almost lost touch with who we really are and we have exchanged it with something that we know is a lie. Sometimes, when I feel excited about something I wonder if the person next to me still feels that same feeling. We have been ruled by the hand that feeds us and we have succumbed to the cynical, the untrue and the pessimism that the world holds so dear.

We all lose touch of our inner child at some point in time. We only need to rekindle the magic that captured our hearts when we saw everything else in a different light.

All it takes is a little paradigm shift.

Notice To The Public

Notice To The Public

I'm in a slump right now. Not an emotional one but more of a writing slump. It's something like shooting 10 straight bricks in a basketball game. And I don't seem to have the same urgency in me to come up with material. It's probably because of fatigue. I haven't been sleeping really well these past few days. I guess the insomnia is kicking in again.

Anyway, I was thinking of giving my blog some uniformity when it comes to the content that I'll be putting in it. So, very soon, I'll be having one week dedicated to a certain theme or central idea. Of course there will be some occasional unrelated rants or raves like the one with Erik Mana but nonetheless, my blog will still have the same look and feel.

If anybody has any suggestion, please let me know. :)

Starstruck

Starstruck

I just got starstruck. Bad.

I met Rannie Raymundo and Erik Mana in the flesh last night!

All I could say is that I chose a pretty good night to tag along with my friend.

Now I know the feeling. =)

1:57 AM

1:57 AM

Dearest Nina,

I do not have the faintest idea of what you are thinking right now. I don't even want to pretend to know. But I am hoping for the best and expecting the worst. After our Great Misunderstanding last June, I am quite certain that your perception of who I am has deeply changed. For the worst, that is.

To you and your friends, I will be branded as "the-one-who-never-understood-you". And I readily concede to that title because I was always reversing roles with you when it came to who was right and who was wrong. This time, I am the guilty party but I still feel that we still had a lot to talk about. I don't want to point any fingers anymore because I really want to start all over again. But I know that will not happen anymore.

I have waited for two years to get back together with you. I have thought about the things that have led me to this decision to get up and try again. And I believe I have made this decision 6 months ago. I just wanted everything to be perfect that's why I delayed it this long. I wanted to get back together at the same time that you said "Yes" to me that sleep-stricken morning--1:57AM.

It has been 2 years but now, on the most important occasion of my life, I am unable to text, call or e-mail you because you told me not to. You got angry at me because I guess I deserved that kind of attitude from you. You might want to say that you got fed up with all of the bullsh*t that I've given you.

I would like to say sorry but I won't because it has been a word that has been overused in our relationship. I even think it has lost its meaning for me. But I still am regretful of the things that I have done to you in the past. And if given the choice, I would choose not to have met you at all so I couldn't hurt you how I did the past three years; how I'm hurting you right now. If ever I would be saying those words to you again, I would really mean it.

So now, on our "anniversary", I would still like to let you know that I still care for you and that I still love you. I miss you everyday. And when I look out the windows of my office my mind lingers on to the times we would smile at each other and suddenly feel our hearts beat a little faster. You were my dream girl but I didn't know what I had in you until you were gone.

I'm sorry Nina. I hope one sweet day, you can forgive me. I hope that a miracle will come to our lives and lead us back into each other's presence.

Until then,
Zeus



Better days.

Pensive Expressions

Pensive Expressions

It is one of those times again wherein I wonder how in the world I was able to survive the day. I try to piece together everything and everyone that has helped me get through the day unscathed. And I thank each and every one of you. You guys know who you are--those who talk to me, those who comfort me, those people who listen to me and my tale of woe...

                                      "The Graying of Skies"
                                         by Zeus Martinez

                              As I wake up to a squalid world
                              I am greeted by squeaking doors
                              and the torn windows of my empty room
                              And the picture frames are bare

                              I struggle to bring back the memory of you
                              For it is a long-forgotten tale
                              Because you have left me for false comfort
                              Where now is your love?

                              I try and fail to describe that day;
                              that day we said farewell
                              That time my sun set in sorrow
                              and never rose again.

...and to YOU, you know who you are. I miss you so much. I know it will not faze you even one bit, but I still want you to know that I dream and think about you everyday.

Everyday.

I really wish I never wake up. If I could hold on to those dreams forever, I would.

The Thickening Haze

The Thickening Haze

At the time of this entry's typing, I was currently in the office, literally on my 11th hour. It just so happened that doing a report for a tedious Thursday meeting the next day seemed like a more attractive idea to me at the time. I guess I just remember what Alanis Morisette said in one of his Jagged Little Pill hits:

"I'm tired but I'm working yeah!"

It's such pitiful thing that we take our jobs for granted sometimes. Maybe we feel like we have the short end of the stick because we're constantly under watchful eyes of a supervisor; or maybe because we can't surf Friendster without using a proxy site to get through the company's firewall. In the end, we should all be thankful because we have something we can hold onto, something that can divert our thoughts from the worries that plague our minds. After all, the majority of the people in our country don't have a stable job, steady source of income or even Internet access.

Each day that passes by, I recognize the importance of working the 9 to 5 job. Each and every setting of the sun, I am thankful that I have a job that I can run to when I have problems. A little time spent with something can do strange things to people. More of like a prison, the first time you enter it, you can't stop bad-mouthing your work, but in the end, you get institutionalized by the corporate walls and then after a tenure of 30 or more years, you can't seem to separate yourself from the idea of it.

Some people understand the finality and the seriousness of work and maybe that is why those types of people hold onto their jobs with all their heart and soul because they know that within that community, they are special, within that particular building, they are people with a capital "P". They are greeted by the courteous guards with a smile; they are patted on their backs by their beloved clients and are welcomed with open arms by their colleagues after an unforseen hiatus. Work becomes a second family for some people. And for a select few, it becomes their spouse.

It's not surprising to see some people sacrifice a lot for their jobs. For something that is so dear to one's heart, some people don't believe anything should come before someone else's job.

I, on the other hand, am at the point of being swayed. I am at a grey area right now and there is nothing I would like to have than a little bit of clarity.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

I had a YM conversation with Hazel yesterday. She's one of my good colleagues here at work. She said something that probably summed up what I was feeling at that moment:

"being alone is the breeding ground for insanity...."

I couldn't agree more.

Sunday was a burden to go through. It wasn't because I had a previous obligation to attend to or that I had an altercation with someone. I just felt so alone at that time. I literally felt tired because of the solitude. And yesterday, through the smiles and little moments of levity, I just felt so alone in this world. It just so happens that I'm very good in hiding what I'm feeling. Maybe that's why no one ever figures out suicides. You never even imagine that this one person whom you've just seen a couple of days or weeks ago is capable of ending it all.

And you heard their laughter and saw their made-up smiles but you never saw through such walls. And you just couldn't figure out why they did something as irrational as killing themself. That is, until you piece together each and every evidence that will further lay waste to the mourning and grieving. Until you realize that they always liked to be alone; until you realize that they never had any enemies--as well as friends.

And then you let out that sigh that forever leaves you empty and helpless.

Maybe for some individuals, ending it all isn't as irrational as it may seem to us. Maybe for them, it's the most rational thing to do because that's the only way to end all of their pain; that maybe the only way to be at peace is to feel nothing at all, to forever numb the heart and stop the rage and confusion and most of all, the memories.

I wonder if it ever works.

Waiting For The Answer

Waiting For The Answer

I wish someone would be able to sing this to me.

"Answer"
  Sarah McLachlan


I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
Why take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you that I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
And break choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you that I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind.


Is it too much to ask for someone to be your pillar of strength; to be there for you when you are at your weakest; to be there to catch you when you fall; to be able to give truth to all of the oversold clichés that you've heard ever since you realized that you can't make it on your own?

I guess for some people it is.

Like This And Like That

Like This And Like That

"Don't you find it amusing that we never run out of things to complain about?"

That was what I said to my good colleague, Regina when the sun was staring her down through the not-so-opaque window blinds in the office. She said that after it rained for five straight days during afternoons.

And to reiterate a point, I really DO find it amusing. I guess that's just our unavoidable impulse as blessed individuals. We really cannot lay off the ranting and whining--because that's just what we are: whiners. And I'm not about to play hypocrite here and say that I never do complain. It's just sometimes, I tend to notice that the people I'm surrounded with are not satisfied with eating three to four meals a day, having a house to come home to and having the luxury of taking a bath twice a day.

We will always find something to complain about.

And I think it should stop, lest all of our blessings be taken away like what happened to Job. I don't think we give God enough credit sometimes...some of us. Actually, if I were to point any fingers I'd end up facing a mirror because I, too, am guilty of being such a spoiled brat.

And it's so hard to just stop the habit. Hopefully I kick it before I get a wake up call.

Without A Clue

Without A Clue

As of this moment, even as you are reading this, someone is hopelessly and terribly lost. You might not even have to look around. Go ahead, look in the mirror. You might not even know where you are in your life right now.

It's a harsh reality that everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, you will find people who are utterly lost in a sea of confusion. But that's not even half of the story. The saddest part is, they don't even know it.

It is something akin to the reality of The Matrix. You do not even have the slightest idea that you're living a life of absurdity. I cannot blame these people for what they continue to do to themselves. Sometimes, they drown their problems in alcohol or maybe seek asylum in places where nothing can be heard except noises that seem to be louder than their problems. Now I understand. Sometimes the only way to forget is to have something more tangible than your worries; something which you can taste and touch; something that is temporary.

I don't understand why some people continue this type of lifestyle and continue with a diatribe that's directed to nobody in particular--just to the world in general. More of a "Me against the world" kind of thing. And they try so much to rush into things without giving them a second thought and after being run over a thousand and one misdeeds, they ask what they ever did to deserve what happened to them.

Yes, there is such a thing such as Divine Providence. But we always had free will to begin with. We simply can't go through our lives blaming anybody and everybody for what's happened to us. The second we claim responsibility for our lives and the choices we make, that's when the blinds are lifted off, that's when the haze begins to thin. And that is when we begin to see things more clearly. For there are none so blind as they who will not see.

Unlike Old Times

Unlike Old Times

I once came across a quote that went something like:

"The loneliest feeling in the world is missing someone while he or she is right beside you."

I never understood that until yesterday.

I met up with one of the most special people in my life yesterday. And now I understand what the quote wanted to say. It means that people change. Each and every person in this world will have to either grow a little bit taller, talk a little deeper or maybe become more attractive. Given some time, we all change. It was yesterday that I wished that all changes remained physical.

Talking to her made me realize that she grew emotionally and mentally. Maybe that was the reason why I felt so disconnected from her. I barely knew the person she had become. She had different wants and had certainly matured in her thinking. And I felt like an old rock having a conversation with a gust of wind. I got left behind.

I missed the old times when smiles would pervade our talks, when inside jokes were a common interjection between sentences, when long pauses of silence didn't mean a hurt ego. I was talking to the same individual, but different person.

The first time you learn the meaning of something, you never ever forget the moment. And you remember forever.

Revelations

Revelations

It’s been one hell of a week but I can say that today really was the coup de grace. I was walking in the mall during lunch hour when I had an epiphany. I just realized that I was alone in my pain. I was hurting….alone. And I couldn’t run to anybody. I couldn’t find people whom I could confide in and say that I would give anything to get a pat on the back or even a hug. I miss college. You could get hugs for free back then. Now, you need to find someone you’ve never hung out with for the past 6 months. Disheartening, isn’t it?

Anyway, I realized during my lunch out with Solitude, that the world never stops for you. It doesn’t care at all. I remember I was at this point in my life when I was a senior in high school and I can clearly remember moving forward in the school year from one grading period to the next. And today, I was in the same position…hurting for the same reason. And as I looked around the tables and chairs that surrounded me, no one cared if I was hurting.

No one broke any plates or even gasped; no one furrowed his brow to show any concern.

And the feeling drowned me in its somber grip until the writing of this passage. The rains poured down as if there were no tomorrow and I was hopelessly lost in another state of despair. Sometimes, you just can’t get away from these days and no matter how stoic you would like to remain, people still catch on to you and your secrets.

Regina and I were having a YM conversation and she said: “ur good u just wont admit it!”

One of the feel-good highlights of my dejected Friday. I really dig her optimism. Infectious, is what I would like to call it.

I’ve proven again that you find friends in the strangest of places and pillars of strength in the most humble of persons.

To End The Day

To End The Day

It's such a wonderful feeling when you do something right. It's a quiet contentment that swirls around you when you absolutely know that you've done something right. It feels like a sense of relief has washed all over you.

I brought my bestfriend pizza tonight because I knew she had a terrible day. She absolutely loved it and I couldn't help but smile when I was reading her text. "Champion!", she exclaimed.

It's so nice to put your happiness in the simplest of things.

Some people prefer to put theirs in pizza.

I'm just content to put mine in another person's smile.

On Letting Go

On Letting Go

One of the more real things in this world is the fact that sooner or later, we will have to let go of something. For our first encounter with the concept of finality it shouldn't be even the loss of a bestfriend, a relationship or (Heaven forbid) a loved one in the family.

My first tears were shed for a pair of electric blue Mighty Kid® shoes.

I can clearly remember that time. I was about 5 years old and I remember asking my yaya where my favorite pair of shoes were while she was trying to put on the new pair my parents bought for me. It just suddenly dawned on me that I didn't want a new pair. I wanted my electric blues. And when she told me she couldn't find it, I cried my heart out. That was probably my first memory of crying over something material.

By the way, I found my Mighty Kids® that same day. When my mom led me to the dusty old cabinet we had in the library, I saw my shoes and I couldn't help but notice that they weren't as shiny as before. Its colors seemed to pale in comparison to the new pair that I had. I tried them on and they fit like a glove. Everything was perfect but sooner I had to let go.

In our lives we have people we seem to can't let go of. More often that not, these are borne out of our own choice to keep the routine going; to pretend that everything else is fine because we had wonderful memories together. Sometimes, it is because we love the person so much that we cannot bear to picture life without that person. But eventually, when you step away from all the chaos; when you're already seated at the balcony, you view a different perspective that wasn't at all possible before.

That's when you know that you probably had enough. Or maybe the time given to the two of you is already up.

For some people like me, I see a worn-out pair of shoes that won't be able to support my feet because underneath its dulling color, the sole is already breaking. And to walk with them would certainly bring more calluses to my already blistered heels.




Letting go is such a hard thing to do. But for some people, it becomes more of a necessity than an alternative. Sometimes, we just have to let the wounds heal and go on our separate ways and hope against hope that one day, we find ourselves face to face with our past. This time, with clearer minds; this time with the maturity that time ultimately brings.

Complacency Kills

Complacency Kills

It’s been a while since the sun shone in all its glory. We’ve been having days when the sun would go up early and would then be eclipsed by the clouds and the gloom that comes with it. It’s been an on and off thing. All you can do is just wait for the seemingly predictable pattern to fade away. Sometimes, all we need in our lives is a hefty helping of change.

Within the past year, I’ve encountered more changes than what I could have possibly hoped to handle. I’ve switched jobs, left friends, disappointed people, took up new hobbies. Damn, I even have a new favorite NBA team. It’s just nothing short of a miracle that I am able to say all of this considering all of the depression that I’ve gone through the past years. I’m just thankful because I really did not expect to last this long. Then again, all of us are unaware of our time of reckoning.

All I’m saying is that sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, we need it more than it needs us. Because when we slip into that circle of complacency, that stagnant state of habit; that’s when everything else comes crumbling down. In relation to a Spanish soap opera that has Tagalog dubbing in it, that’s when the husband knows that his wife has already left him for someone who has given her more time and attention.

Complacency kills.

And I don’t even have to illustrate how. Everybody knows how the story ends.

Sometimes, to become a better person, we should be exposed to a certain amount of pain; a definite string of disappointments, before we can learn to appreciate what we have. We sometimes have to lose the remaining P20.00 that we have in our wallet to learn its value; that during a rainy day in the middle of Ortigas, that’s the only way home for a commuter like me.

I am fortunate enough to come home dry these past days. Let’s hope the only thing that doesn’t change is my luck.

My Dependence on Despair

My Dependence on Despair

Before anything else, let me make it clear that this is not another one of those sad posts that I normally make.

I was going through some of the poems that I made before and most, if not all, of them share only two themes: love and sadness. I find it very fascinating that people write the most beautiful lines when they feel these two emotions. In my case, I think some of my better poems were made when I was down; when I was nearing the brink.

I am just relieved that I have an outlet in writing. I never thought it would bring me a sense of peace and a security of sorts.

Expressing myself through writing has always been my therapy. Even though I despair most of the time, I’m still thankful that I have so much to write about. Life is all about attitude I guess. Everybody needs to have their perspectives made over. I hope this is the start.

                                            "Before the Slumber"
                                               by Zeus Martinez

                              I speak of a thousand heartbreaks.
                              I claim the sadness of the world.
                              and for the briefest of Eternities,
                              the tears start to fall.

                              And in the descent of water and salt
                              I find the union of hope and despair.
                              My eyes gaze upon the clear sky
                              which bades dark hues from afar.

                              I sing the saddest of songs
                              while caught in the dirge of innumerables
                              lazily making their way down the earth.
                              I am soaked but I am still thirsty.

                              It seems that I am otherwise trapped
                              in this fleeting melancholy
                              and I cannot wait to break free
                              to manage a faint smile before I sleep.

Like I said, the better ones were made when I was down. I guess for some people, inspiration will only come with tribulation.

Surprise, Surprise!

Surprise, Surprise!

Yesterday was a happy day for me. I helped throw my friend A.J. a surprise debut birthday party for my friend of 13 years. I guess he was surprised enough because all he could say to his cousin while flashing a really wide smile:
 

"Gago ka! Ba't di mo sinabi sakeeeen!"
(Eh sa nakalimutan yung definition ng "surprise" eh! 'Yaan mo na, birthday naman eh.  Hehe!)
 
Us friends had a blast just recounting that moment over and over again. :) Another one for the books.
 
Thirteen years. When you say it out loud, you wonder where those years went. And then you start to look back to your past. You suddenly realize that time doesn't wait for anyone. It flies by so fast that 13 years may come as quick as a blink of an eye.
 
I had so much fun yesterday because me and my friends were all there. You realize that these are the friends that you've been seeing each and every year when this particular date arrives. It's comforting to know that some things never change.
 
It's been 13 years and counting.
 
Can't wait for the next decade to come.